The Eternal Cringe Thread • Page 22

this is the best story and we should probably just close the entire thread now

 

Holy shit. You win.

 

I dont know what I can say that hasn't already been said about this story, but bravo. The quoted part literally made me spit out iced coffee.

Also, you have amazing friends for helping you out, lying for you, and still hanging out with you after you shit on one of them.

 

where’s that movie

 

100% the tagline for the movie we all want and, quite frankly, need in 2018.

 

if they can make a movie out of those dudes playing tag they absolutely can make a movie abt a kickball league that covers for a guy who shits his pants.

 

^

 

Lol this thread makes me feel better about myself. My wife is not in this photo unfortunately, but for your casting call frame of reference :

 

holy shit

 

holy matrimony shit

 

Love runs deep. And sometimes love leaks out of you, down your friends leg and into his socks

 

It does honestly feel like a big scene from a judd apatow movie. Bill Hader shitting down seth rogans legs or something.

 

hooooly hell. i'm not saying it's a competition, but that's definitely the best story this thread will ever see

 

Ok so none of my agonizing, embarrassing, or in retrospect funny IBS stories compares to that.

Prob the closest is that I once had lunch with a girl I had been seeing and decided to become official. We went to this park nearby and started making out and it came on. I had to stop and say we needed to find a bathroom immediately. She offered to go back to the restaurant but I was too embarrassed and they only had one stall. So we ended up high tailing it, as fast as my body would allow, back to my campus where luckily she was a student employee and I could access the buildings with her card during the summer.

This did not end in matrimony.

Also probably the far worse time was in a Lyft and I was too embarrassed to say anything. The poor driver thought I was probably off to murder someone as I absolutely Usain Bolt sprinted into my friend’s house when we arrived, having already made sure she had unlocked the door and that her roommates weren’t in the bathroom.

I need to try that FODMAP thing but currently on some trial of like prescription strength Zantac and it’s working a little better I think. Too early to tell tho

 

The FODMAP thing sucks, not gonna lie. I enjoy not dying but also I miss literally every good food lol.

 

One time at a vacation home with my SO and her family (this was early in our relationship), we were suddenly cut off from the water supply and I had to pee badly, so when I saw my SO’s cousin leave the bathroom I IMMEDIATELY went in.

Unfortunately, there was a surprise waiting for me at the toilet of no flushing. So I spent a bit more time, trying to think of a way to explain that it wasn’t mine without realizing that in doing so I was only making it worse for me.

I kept telling my SO to tell the family that it was his cousin’s poop and not mine, and she just kept laughing it off. The entire trip I was just paranoid thinking they thought I did it. Glares from me were performed at the direction of her cousin from then on.

This did not end in matrimony too.

 

I’m gonna need every story in here moving forward to end with “this did not end in matrimony”

 

So basically your asking for my life story

 

This story isn't that bad but sometimes I think of it and just sigh

I am very awkward and insecure in conversations espesh if I'm intimidated. I'll often say something I don't even believe if I can use it as some sort of icebreaker. Like I just word vomit and always put my foot in my mouth. So once when I taught there was a girl in the class who was deaf. Her interpreter/ESD worker came in to get her so they could work together and that woman could be rly intimidating to me. The kid was asleep in the middle of the carpet as kids danced and played around her. I tried to make conversation with the worker and said something like "it's crazy how she can even sleep with all this noise!" and the lady was like

".... Yeah. She's deaf."

And I died of shame and how dumb i am. I would not be surprised at all if she used me as an example of idiot incompetent teachers who work with those who are deaf or heard of hearing. This is my legacy. Sigh.

 

The first time I watched the movie Thirteen it took me 20-30 minutes to realize it wasn't 13 Going On 30

 

reminds me of a joke from The Office where Pam talks about accidentally watching 28 Days Later thinking it was 28 Days with Sandra Bullock.

 

Literally happened 10 minutes ago

In the middle of peeing in the office bathroom some guy tried to tickle me by touching my waist, i looked and saw it was my friend and laughed back. He then apologized and said he thought i was someone else, then I realized that guy wasn’t my friend and I had no idea who he was.

In my attempt to make it less awkward I asked him about his friend, so we were there 2 strangers peeing side by side talking about a totally random guy

 

Good god oh mighty lol

 

That one is definitely at the more obtuse end of this thread. Love it.

 

Who tickles their friends in the urinal? Lmao that was a good one for sure.