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The Eternal Cringe Thread • Page 21

Discussion in 'General Forum' started by Shrek, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. Thread is on fire today! I don’t have any great car-related stories but here’s something pretty cringe that happened to me yesterday.

    I wasted the majority of my Sunday binge watching a show on the couch, but around 6 I decided to go out to the neighborhood pool with my girlfriend. There was a guy with two kids there already — new neighbors that neither of us had met yet but recognized from seeing them move in. The guy looked to be about my age (~30), with two little kids, I’d guess to be maybe about 5 and 8. Anyway, we walk into the pool and the following exchange happened:

    Both kids: HIIIII!!!!!!
    Gf and I: Haha, hello!

    *dad gives us one of those humorous “thanks in advance for being kind to my ultra-friendly kids” nods*

    Kid 1: I’m Dallon!!
    Me: Hi Dallon!
    Kid 2: I’m Brinley!
    Me: Hello Brinley!
    Dallon, pointing as his dad: That’s Daddy!
    Me, without missing a beat: What’s up, Daddy

    *oh god what did I just —*

    Daddy, stern and cold, no smile: It’s Sean
    Me: Haha....... cool.........

    His kids kept trying to talk to us, which we were more than willing to entertain, but he kept telling them to leave us alone lol. Normally I’d appreciate that, but deep down I know he didn’t want them near me because I fucking called him daddy
     
  2. Kiana

    Goddamn, man child Prestigious

    Ok like related but not cringey I swear to God I'm like a magnet to kids and they always wanna talk to me and crawl all over me but instead of the parent doing that and telling them to chill, parents are always like SURE STRANGE LADY, ENTERTAIN MY CHILDREN FOR ME. THEY CAN CRAWL ALL OVER YOU AND POTENTIALLY GIVE YOU LICE ITS COOOOL.

    So I kinda lowkey dread running into kids someplace because I always end up playing with them and watching them when I wanna relax lol
     
  3. St. Nate

    من النهر إلى البحر Prestigious

    Today at Rite Aid there was a kid in a stroller sayin "don't spank me! don't spank me mommy! don't spank me!" but like she wasn't in trouble or looking like she was making trouble she was jst in the stroller saying "don't spank me!" and I'm like lollll way to out your mother there kid.

    doesn't really belong here but i just so happened to be on this page.
     
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  4. Kiana

    Goddamn, man child Prestigious

    One time during a parent teacher conference a kid was like "teacher kiana's voice is going away because she has to yell at us cause we wont listen" and I was like siiiiiiiis i do NAWT. Kids have no chill!!! Like stop spreading those rumors around stop spreading those liiiies
     
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  5. dadbolt

    Prestigious Prestigious

    oh yeah haha. my daughter has sold me out to my deeply religious dad and stepmother for not going to church. no chill whatsoever. there's really nothing you can do but hope they don't mention anything, because if tell them not to talk about something the first the first thing they'll do is bring up the thing you dont want them to talk about
     
  6. MrCon

    I was trying to describe myself to someone

    Kind of a weird reaction from him. Fragile masculinity much? :crylaugh:
     
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  7. ComedownMachine

    Prestigious Supporter

    Damn. I call @Dog with a Blog daddy all the time
     
  8. zigbigwig Jul 31, 2018
    (Last edited: Jul 31, 2018)
    zigbigwig

    I Miss Jake W Prestigious

    goodness i literally did that as I was reading this part, this is so good
    [IMG]

    EDIT: I read somewhere in the internet about this guy who was at a dinner with his gf and her dad when she says out loud, "can you pass me the bread daddy" and both he and her dad reach out their hand.
     
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  9. zigbigwig

    I Miss Jake W Prestigious

    a cringe thing I did in college: my friends and i were in a classroom - no classes at that time - with some bunch of random people. after the bunch of random people left the room, thinking I was cool, I said out loud, "AND STAY OUT!" you know, like a lame person
     
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  10. marsupial jones

    make a bagel without the hole

    Might be setting myself up for disaster here...

    In the car to a baseball game company outing with my entire department, I had the shits this morning, my stomach is still rocking and I’m wearing white shorts.

    Pray for me.
     
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  11. chewbacca110

    He wrenches on it. He thinks it's his.

    ^^ Story of my IBS life, really.

    You'll get through it. Chewing gum usually distracts my mind from the anxiety of my consistently upset tummy.
     
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  12. Nyquist

    I must now go to the source Supporter

    Oh god do we all have IBS in this thread too? I’ve been very skinny my entire life and have always been mocked for it. I get the usual “why don’t you eat?” or “why don’t you work out?” Or “you’re such a twig/beanpole/etc.”

    I do eat. I do work out. I do have feelings that get hurt. Finally went to the doctor this year after wondering about it for years and confirmed my suspicions based on a checklist I’ve been keeping. I have celiac disease. My entire life.
     
  13. personalmaps

    citrus & cinnamon Prestigious

    Y'all I am going to drop this article that literally answered all of my questions and prayers regarding IBS:

    A carb called fructan may be the real culprit behind gluten sensitivity

    I thought I had developed some weird onset lactose intolerance, but this hit all the marks. I paid for Monash app and have been using it to check foods and keep my body from withering. It was a total game-changer.
     
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  14. chewbacca110

    He wrenches on it. He thinks it's his.

    I am by no means skinny, I am more like a fat skinny guy or a skinny fat guy. I have to watch what I eat a LOT. Grease, cheese, anything creamy, and I have ot take moderation with coffee. A lot of it is also anxiety and nervous bowels. I live in Chicago and take public transit or Uber everywhere so it generally takes longer for me to go place to place. Constantly not having a guaranteed bathroom doesn't make things better.

    TL;DR I've got shit stories for days, but I don't wanna gross anyone out.
     
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  15. bigmike

    Trusted Prestigious

    I got some shit-based stories too. So don’t feel bad.
     
  16. Ben

    Trusted Prestigious

    I also suffer from some form of IBS.

    One time, I was sitting on an plane at Laguardia, and we were waiting to take off. I could feel something starting in my stomach and knew I only had probably 15-20 minutes at most to make it to the bathroom. It's getting worse and worse and I'm just thinking pleeeaaassseee let us take off soon. Finally the pilot comes on and says "folks sorry for the bad news, but we're number 35 for takeoff and they're releasing about one plane ever 1-2 minutes, so it could be up to an hour before we get in the air. Oh and you can't get up from your seat because we're on an active taxiway." I knew there was a 0% chance I could wait that long, so I just got up, ignored the flight attendant who was telling me I had to back to my seat, and went to the bathroom. They had to stop moving and it held up the line of planes behind us, but I had no choice haha. That was rough.
     
  17. Mr. Serotonin

    I'm still staring down the sun Prestigious

    Oh god hahahah what a nightmare :crylaugh:
     
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  18. chewbacca110

    He wrenches on it. He thinks it's his.

    I think about this literally every time I fly. I am flying from Chicago to NY tomorrow and you best believe it's on my mind.
     
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  19. Nyquist

    I must now go to the source Supporter

    In regards to IBS stories.

    When I was in college, my friends and I would come home for the summer and play kickball every week. It was a dumb, entertaining way to keep us all connected and over time it grew into a huge team of people. Eventually we signed up online for sponsorship from Adult Swim and they sent us banners, t-shirts, buttons, hats...the whole nine yards. We became an actual “league” of our own so to speak.

    One particular evening I was sitting on the bench next to a girl I really liked and had invited because she’d expressed interest in this oddity. I was waiting to kick when I felt what can only be described as castor oil rumbling its way through my intestines. We were on a field at my old high school and there was no bathroom nearby because it was summer and the school was locked. So I clenched every muscle in my body and walked to the plate to kick the ball. Pitcher tossed the ball, I lifted my leg in the air, sent the ball flying...and then just stood there with my leg in the air because I was positive that if I moved another muscle I would shit myself right there on the field.

    So everyone’s yelling at me to run and I’m frozen in place with my leg in the air when a friend of mine, Jon, approaches me and asks what’s wrong. I tell him “I need a minute” and he’s all “for what?” and I’m just slowly dropping my leg like some piece of performance art. The pitcher, Josh, is now walking to home plate to make an inquiry while literally everyone is staring at me. Jon asks me again what’s wrong and I crouch to the ground like a wilting flower as I whisper to both him and Josh that “I need a bathroom.”

    “...Um. Is this like -“
    “It’s real bad” I cut him off.

    They both ask me if I can just go sit down and wait until the game is over and my face is turning various shades of red as I tell them “I’m literally going to explode. I need a bathroom now.”

    Everyone on both teams is now either standing around me in a circle or watching from the sidelines as I lay there crumpled in the dirt. “Is he okay?” I hear from somewhere. It’s the girl I liked and she’s joined the group, genuine concern on her face.

    “Dude please get me a bathroom,” I beg Jon. He and Josh chat in private for a moment and then Josh yells over to a friend of his who I barely know on first base.

    “Hey Bill, can you come here a minute?”

    Bill walks over and asks what’s up.

    Josh: Listen, Tim needs to get some water and rest for a bit because he’s extremely dehydrated.

    Bill: Okay.

    Josh: Would it be alright if Jon took him to your house for a bit since you live around the block?

    Bill: I...guess? I mean my mom’s home. Do you want me to just come with you?

    Jon: No no. It’s fine. She knows me.

    Bill: Barely.

    Me: I gotta go.

    Bill: Is he okay?

    Jon and Josh: He’s dehydrated.

    So my friends - who it turns out are exceptional liars in a pinch - send me off to Bill’s house to take what feels like the biggest dump of my life. Since it’s so close by we decide, idiotically, that we’ll just walk. I get about halfway down the block when I completely keel over because I cannot take another step. Jon looks down and asks, “is it really that bad?”

    “I think you’ve got to carry me, man.”

    Jon stares at me. “Are you serious?”

    “Yes. Oh my god. I can’t walk, man. I can’t walk.”

    Jon heaves what is probably the biggest sigh of his life. “We’re definitely not telling anybody about this.”

    Jon was right to be apprehensive, it turns out. As he picked me up and began piggybacking me to Bill’s house, well, my body decided it was time. I recall crying out “Oh god!” which then made Jon pivot suddenly in shock which then further loosened my bowels as I simply let go.

    “What’s wrong?!?” Jon shrieked.

    “I...I’m sorry. I went.”

    At this, Jon efficiently set me down to see shit running down the back of my legs...and then to see it running down the back of his as it spills into his socks and shoes.

    “OH - OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL?!?”

    “I’m so sorry.”

    “DID YOU SHIT ON ME?!?”

    “It just hit me, man. I couldn’t stop it.”

    Jon covers his eyes and presumably hides from the world as I look up at him, sitting in my filth. “We’ve got to get to Bill’s,” I exhale.

    “...Can you walk the rest of the way?” he asks, understandably impatient.

    “I have to go again” I reply.

    “YOU STILL HAVE MORE? I’M NOT CARRYING YOU.”

    “Yeah I feel a little better”, I tell him while looking at anything but his face or my mess of a self.

    So we hobble the rest of the way there and Jon bursts through Bill’s front door. I can hear Bill’s mother call out “Hello?”

    “Hey, it’s Jon! Bill’s friend!”

    “Oh...uh, hi?”

    Jon quickly explains that I am dehydrated and am just going to “cool off” and rest for a minute. Jon then hightails it to Bill’s bedroom while I lock myself in the bathroom. There is no way in hell that poor woman did not hear what I was doing in there. So as I am exploding, Jon is in Bill’s room taking his pants, socks and shoes off when the phone rings. From the bathroom I can hear Bill’s poor, confused mother conversing with Bill.

    “No, he’s in the bathroom. Yes. Well Jon’s in your room. I think he’s resting. Well I don’t know, they’re your friends.”

    I finally finish up (for now) and strip down because my pants are ruined. I open the door a crack and whisper yell for Jon, who also cracks open Bill’s door across the hall. I tell Jon I don’t know what to do because I am essentially naked in Bill’s bathroom. Jon whisper shouts “Hang on” and disappears for a moment before returning with a handful of Bill’s clothes that he casually tosses in my direction. They land in the middle of the hallway just out of my reach. Since we are both half nude and Bill’s mother is wandering around the house on the phone, neither of us is too keen to step out. So I grab a coat hanger from the back of the bathroom door and extend my arm out into the hallway. Finally reaching the clothes with the hanger, I begin pulling them toward me right as Bill’s mother rounds the corner and makes some seriously awkward prolonged eye contact. The only thing I can think to do is ask “Do you have any plastic bags?”

    She stares blankly for a moment and then, most likely realizing some horrifying variation of what’s going on here, slips into the kitchen and returns with a handful of bags that she passes to me through the doorway. I thank her and fill the bag with my poop clothes. Jon does the same and we both exit our respective rooms wearing Bill’s wardrobe. Jon quickly washes his legs in the bathroom sink while I stand there uncomfortably in the hallway. When he’s finished, Jon and I thank Bill’s mother and she nods her head. To this day I am still certain that me, Jon, and Bill’s mother all had a silent agreement and understanding in that moment.

    Jon and I had the quietest walk back to the field. We rarely speak of that event. Years later, on his wedding day, I was one of his ushers and it was up to one of us to park cars. One of the other ushers was family and he got to stay inside so I playfully whined about it to Jon. He smiled, bent to my ear, and said “remember that one time at kickball -“ and I was like “So which car first?”

    Anyway, we get back to the field and everyone is watching us as we walk to Jon’s car and throw our bags in. Bill asks if everything is okay and then stops.

    “...Why are you wearing my clothes?”

    Jon claps him on he shoulder. “Yeah, so, about that...” and then he leads him away as I watch the private conversation grow more animated with each painful second. The girl I like walks over, looks me up and down, and then begins her thorough inquiry:

    “Was it poop?”

    Long story short: I married her.
     
  20. bigmike

    Trusted Prestigious

    Phenomenal story.
     
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  21. Shakriel

    Cause I'm running low on these hours of mine Prestigious

    Best story ever.
     
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  22. marsupial jones

    make a bagel without the hole

    *The Rock clapping gif*

    Did not see that ending coming at all.
     
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  23. zigbigwig

    I Miss Jake W Prestigious

    10/10 story

    Now I want that entire story crammed in the melody of Motion City’s Antonia for having the same plot twist.
     
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  24. MrCon

    I was trying to describe myself to someone

    I need something bigger than a like button for this. What a tale.

    Kick the ball. Shit your friend. Marry the girl.
     
  25. kupe

    Regular

    I would watch a feature film of that story
     
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