5 weeks into a DBT group therapy program and I feel like a totally different person. i'm making small choices, succeeding at living nonjudgmentally for the most part, and having small conflicts with a fraction of my typical reactivity. all of this shit would've felt unapproachable up until a few weeks ago...I put off enrolling for so long partially bc I was nervous about its presence as like the one fix for BPD/CPTSD-plagued folks, but my god, I think it works...
The fact that when I enjoy a book or show it becomes my entire personality and nobody irl watches it or likes it the same amount yet I'm not obsessive enough to join online fandom people so then I just have to live with it by myself!! I don't even think it's necessarily parasocial but maybe it is? I've just chalked it up to being more like an irl Abed from Community who was raised on television and use it to relate to and understand people more than like... Obsessing over certain actors and crossing their personal boundaries. The first time I remember just totally using media as escapism was Harry Potter as a kid, and then the OC and Gilmore Girls in middle school. I was always so painfully shy and awkward and anxious and introverted mixed with being a goody two shoes so I've never really lived my life, had many friends, or done anything interesting. Especially when I was younger. When most of the kids my age were starting to date and take risks and get into age typical trouble I was struggling with my mental health and was super parentified and always having to look after my younger sibling so my mom could go out and party and my older sister could go out and do all the popular kid age-expected things. So I would just project onto pretty people doing interesting things in books and on TV. And even now that I'm an adult and much more secure and confident with friends I still find myself falling into that sometimes. Just becoming absorbed in fictional worlds so much more captivating than my own. My life is good. Better than most and I'm grateful. But it's boring and always has been. I've done nothing interesting. I get depressed when a book or show ends and that fictional world comes to a close which is silly. But when I think about wanting my life to be more interesting and how to achieve that I don't really know what I want to do to make it more interesting. Like I know I want things to be different but idk how.
apologize in advance for venting. just have a lot on my mind. yesterday, i got a call from my dad confessing to me that he and my mom quietly separated back in November. they've (legally, at least) been married 33 years as of a month ago, and have had their fair share of issues throughout their marriage. my sisters and i definitely suffered emotionally because of it, and while they've been apologetic about it and have worked to better themselves as people for the four of us (my dad moreso than my mom), their marriage felt like the one thing where they never made a ton of visible progress – always dragging us (and sometimes even out significant others) into their mess. it got to the point where about a year and a half ago, i had to put a hard limit on communicating with them about their marriage in any capacity, and even then, i kind of stepped back from reaching out in general since i had always assumed their issues were always lurking underneath anything, and even thinking about it was really bad for my mental and emotional health. my sisters helped set those limits and went as far as keeping me in the dark about things unless absolutely necessary, so i don't blame anyone in my family for keeping anything from me, as they were respecting my boundaries the way i asked them to. i guess in early November, things got bad enough to the point where my dad moved out (some of which was his fault, which i'm not going to go into detail about here because it's a bit uncomfortable, but some of it also my mom's fault – rooted in a lot of bad patterns she's kept up for years). despite this, they've committed to try to work on their marriage, and go so far as to spend one day a week together (and i guess for Thanksgiving, my dad stayed at the house to keep up appearances). two of my sisters knew and kept it a secret when i visited for Thanksgiving, not only because i asked, but so that it wouldn't cause a distraction as i try to finish up my PhD (which the timeline of always feels like it's in flux at this point). i only really visit once a year, so unless i was in constant communication with them, there's no way i would've known for certain. i had suspected that they weren't doing so well when i came back, and figured they were probably close to separating for the past few months. the only reason i found out yesterday was because my dad accidentally slipped up to someone else in my family about a week ago, and figured it wasn't right keeping me in the dark for 3 months. i think i'm still processing it all, but right now i'm feeling a wide mix of emotions, and overall, it's not great. my sisters and i have always talked about the possibility of them either committing to intensive couple's therapy (which they won't do because they can't agree on whether or not it should or shouldn't be done through a religious psychologist, even though they both go to therapy individually) or spending some time apart. so we were never opposed to this being an outcome, and it didn't really faze me when my dad told me. we ultimately want to see them happy and committed to being the best versions of themselves, be it together or apart. fast forward a day later, however, and i guess i'm overwhelmed with what this means for my relationships with them going forward. my dad's become a more honest person who seems to be committed to doing whatever work he needs for himself and his marriage, but i still feel like there's this feeling of distrust after seeing little progress the past few decades. my mom, on the other hand, appears to have made some progress, but has paired that with a slight retreat into the fear-based religious conservatism we grew up in, and it feels like several steps backward to the point where i fear that my relationship with her will be strained even further. she's made many strides in coming to terms with my sexuality, and loves my partner dearly, but i think there's still a part of her that can never fully accept me being gay, no matter how she tries to frame it. i want her to be happy, but i think because the rest of my family is more progressive than her, it generally keeps some of her true feelings at bay, and i think a lot of it is wrapped up in the idea of wanting to "be right" with her beliefs. i'd never deny that she cares about everyone in my family, but she's always had difficulty understanding the importance of intent vs. impact, and it ultimately makes a lot of her actions appear self-serving, especially with how she doubles down when we try to lovingly call her out on some of it. i just don't want her to dip her toes into shittier beliefs out of fear, and want her to be cognizant of the effect it has on everyone around her. all of that to say, i feel like her and my dad separating might exacerbate issues that i don't think she's willing to address. again, i'm sorry for rambling. i'm not looking for sympathy or anything, maybe just some validation or advice on the healthiest way for me to process everything? my partner has been incredibly supportive and helpful during all of this (a child of divorce himself), but obviously there's a lot he'll never understand the way i would. i'm a little upset it hit me harder today than it did yesterday, and it's just not great to deal with at this very moment, and is pulling me from my work.
I tried going to my first arena show last night, and it was probably the worst concert experience I've ever had. Concerts have always been hard because while I love seeing live music, the crowds can disregulate me very quickly. I've taken to buying seats because that usually helps me control my environment just a little bit more. Buy last night I had someone to my side who didn't care/notice me very visibly not appreciating him taking up some of my space. And then someone behind me spilled what must've been an entire beer all over me, and I ended up leaving in the middle of the show. I don’t think I'll ever do another arena show again.
The crowd really can make or break a show. I'm toying with the idea of buying an extra seat from now on to give myself extra space, ridiculous as that may be. Also only getting seats at the very back of the venue to mitigate beer spill risk.
If I can swing it, I always try to get an aisle seat so I can guarantee no one to one side of me. Arena shows can be crapshoots.
Psych switched me from 50mg of venlafaxine to 25mg of desvenlafaxine and a few days later the dizziness/brain zaps/irritability are unbearable
I usually do that, too. I've gotten the same aisle seat at one of the smaller venues near me for like 75% of the shows.
Most of my ‘free’ time I’ve had in the past three weeks has been spent searching for jobs, preparing to apply for jobs, and preparing to interview for jobs. Plus I’m able to sleep five hours a night at most if I’m lucky so I feel continuously stressed and exhausted One of my friends is in the same situation atm too and I hate that I don’t have the means or emotional bandwidth to offer as much support as I would if we both weren’t going through it. Shit sucks, man
So, I get that I wasn't in the wedding party (my other sister was maid of honor), but it did kind of hurt my feelings that my youngest sister made personalized gifts for my sister and parents for her wedding and not me when I'm the only other sibling lol. Still love her and had a great time though, just felt weird she handed them out directly in front of me at the rehearsal? Idk EDIT It's nothing I would ever expect or ask for, either, though!
Heck, I even gave her a Christmas gift this year when she and her husband gave us a heads up not to exchange gifts because they wanted to save money for the wedding lol (it was a glass heart shaped personalized wedding ornament)
I care about my family more than anything in the entire world. I would do anything to keep us together and happy. I don't think I can be the only person fighting for it anymore. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to walk away. I hate feeling so afraid and uncertain and second-guessing my own worth, not just as a husband, but as an individual.
There's also a tremendous sense of failure when it comes to facing my friends and family and fear when it comes to missing time with my child if this marriage can't be save. I'm actually mortified by the idea of living anywhere else. But I need to not use this space to vent and also need to hold back from spiraling. We had a good talk last night and I am praying the conversation she has with her mom this afternoon is helpful.
I can empathize with not wanting to tell people though I don't have kids - my partner and I have been 'cohabitating' in the house we own together since like November and I still haven't told any of my friends. Sending good vibes man
Hitting a low today. Raising kids right now. Especially kids on the spectrum is terrifying. It’s feels like everyone is evil at worst and too selfish to care at best. They’re the only thing that keeps me going most days lately and it just feels like everything gets harder all the time.
Marriage is definitely a challenge and I feel that way too Aaron. We had a big blowout a month ago(caused by me), but we had a good talk after. It’s never perfect. Sending positive thoughts
Thanks everyone. She says she wants to work on things and try, so I'm trying to trust her. It's taking a lot of work on my end (reading more about invisible load and taking on some of the stuff that wasn't right in front of my face) and direct communication on her part. Things are weird right now, but she's overwhelmed and trying to process everything. I'm just trying to give space and support from afar right now. Hopefully things will start to come back together in a better way in the coming weeks/months. Time will tell. At least I'll be able to say I did my best.
I can't understand how people are able to function in this world right now, especially in our country. I feel so trapped. I don't want to be a part of this society or work for companies when all my effort and taxes go to support the most evil of things. I'm never going to be able to afford my own place. I don't know what to do.
Had a final job interview somewhere today and bombed it. I was visibly nervous, most of my answers weren’t concise, plus for one I was basically like, “I’m sorry, I don’t have an example of that”. And I prepared a lot too so now I feel stupid and even more worried about losing my apartment if I can’t find a job by May. Only one other place I’ve applied to has even asked me for an interview (current status tbd). I feel so fucked
Nothing wrong with saying I don’t know or that’s not something I have experience in. I have. But usually try to tie it to something related I do have experience in
my grandmother is doing really poorly health-wise. she's the last living grandparent i'm close to (we don't keep in touch with my dad's dad and his family because they're all MAGA assholes), and the assumption is that she'll likely pass in the next few days. just a lot on my plate emotionally.
I’m really sorry to hear that. Hopefully you and your family get to spend a lot of time with her over the next couple days.
i live 6.5 hours away from my family, so they put me on a video call with her a couple hours ago. she's in really poor shape and can barely talk, but she seemed to be responsive to my words. i'd give anything to be there right now. there's still a lot i don't know about her condition, but if it gets really bad in the next day or so, i'll drive down there ASAP.