I really struggle to maintain a middle ground in so much of my life. I'm either really into something or someone, or completely disinterested. For example, my company was completely remote for the first two years of the pandemic and I was fine with that, but once we switched to a hybrid schedule I hated it and instead opted to start going into my office every day. As I get older I find it's easier for me to completely switch an interest off, to the point I've started to wonder if I'm truly into any of these things or if I've just convinced myself that's me and now I'm acting a part for the world.
I am getting closer and closer to finishing my project, which also coincides with the conclusion of me being able to sustain myself despite being unemployed. It's kind of nice in the sense that I'm about to accomplish something I've been working on for a while, despite me running out of the financial cushion I built up over 4 years that enabled it. I can't explain it, but the positive feelings from accomplishment are kind of outweighing the absence of security and stability that used to come from lining up another gig in entertainment. this industry is fucked. its a temporary feeling for sure, but it's nice. especially with a little rum
Take some time to feel proud and take the confidence that comes with projects like that to heart imo. Good sign that you will find something else!
I cannot get my brain to calm down about something despite all the evidence to the contrary and it’s left me just so worn out
Right before the holidays I found out that a youth who used to be on my caseload (was now an adult) passed away. We probably had the closest relationship of any kid on my caseload. I was just there for a lot of significant milestones for her and we kept in touch even after she aged out and was no longer on my caseload and I would continue to see her and her children. I still have a relationship with her children. I remember she was so excited to turn 18 so that she could have my personal cell phone number since she wouldn't be on my caseload anymore. Even though I'm not sure if I ever gave it to her or not, but we still kept in touch. It is really messing me up that she had the hardest life just from day one. She was so sweet and she was given the hardest life that she didn't deserve. How she continued to be so sweet despite that I have no idea. It breaks my heart that on the article of her death the comments are just all people basically saying good riddance to a junkie like she wasn't a person who was loved and had value. It is really hard for me to grapple with the fact that she was never given a fair shot in life and will not be honored in death because of some next of kin laws. She didn't get a fair shake in life and will not get one in death. I never thought that sort of thing would matter to me because I was always of the mindset that once you're dead, you're dead and you don't know what's happening anyway. So who really cares? But I think tragedy of her life has really made the way she's being treated in death feel that much more important to me And I don't even know how to honor her because I'm not sure even what I'm allowed to say about her with confidentiality stuff. And so I want to talk about the little memories I have of her and what a great person she was and I feel like I'm not even allowed to do that I feel like I am absolutely making this all about me, but the only solace I've been able to find is that through our work together, she was able to experience some glimpses of happiness and love through some of the people that we helped bring into her life. I hope she knew that she was loved
I’m so sorry @Kiana. It seems like you were a shining light for her in her tough life. I’m glad that she was able to have you to soften life’s ruthlessness.
Smoking too much. Feels like I really fucked up my ability to enjoy things by being an alcoholic. It’s so hard to do anything in moderation and I only seem to notice it when my loved ones are upset with me about it. Sounds silly but I get so jealous when people around me are able to casually enjoy stuff
I relate to this heavily. Been quite a few years since I admitted to being an alcoholic and I still feel that tinge of jealousy from time to time, and it does feel at times like we're just hopping from addiction to addiction and it's hard to just be healthy. It sucks
Yeah a lot of the news media sites have comments or have comments enabled on their social media reposts of their articles and then every loser can comment. Her death had a news post thus the comments unfortunately
I’m honestly putting a spoiler tag because I’m embarrassed as fuck, but I think this is a safe space to vent: Twitter has been having such a negative effect on me the past year or two to the point it was ruining my life. I finally decided enough is enough and deleted it this morning. I used it for news for anime, games, tv, and movies. Then I started following politics on it after Trump got reelected. I felt the need to always know what’s going on because I was so anxious about the state of the world. It got to the point where I’d scroll for waaaaay too long and just get mad at not just the content, but commenters. I stopped reading, watching shows, and other things I enjoyed, as well as neglecting responsibilities. I notice already I’m less irritable and a lot more productive. I’ll have to start getting news from other outlets, where at least it’s just articles and not endless scrolling. If I start something and I enjoy it, I have a hard time stopping. I have an addictive personality I guess, but at least I’m self aware. I stopped drinking, I don’t smoke, and I know better than to download Tik Tok. Social media is a cancer on society.
Started I do the same thing, I think it’s a control thing. If we can’t change it at least we can understand it, but god damn keeping up with every piece of bad news is cancerous, you’re right
I hate how much I make everything about myself. Sometimes I have to have an inner monologue to convince myself not to, but then I still do. I feel like it's an attempt to show I can relate but all it does is make it about me. And I do it a LOT. I need a shock collar for it ugh
TW: pet loss We have to put our rabbit to sleep this morning. 12 and a half years old, which is crazy. I'm doing okay, but my wife is struggling and it's going to be a tough day/weekend. He is extremely loved and was well taken care of.
Sorry for your loss. I raised one in HS that was an asshole but had a friend who also had one that was litter box trained and he was chill.
This year my nephew lost his dad to cancer and then a few weeks ago there 13-year-old cat died. Now his prized pet lizard that he caught and kept as a pet that I think was really helping heal some of his grief and trauma from losing his dad has also just died. It's just so unfair that a kid who's not even 12 has had to deal with so much loss in such a short amount of time. And through it all, he is the absolute sweetest kid, straight A student, all his teachers and friends just love him and he cannot catch a break
Give it a year and I just start struggling at any job. I become filled with anxiety, to the point it ruins my days off. Just thinking about work is enough sometimes. And of course the people in positions of power at any job are some of the dumbest people imaginable. I just used PTO to get dental surgery and have a few days to recover, and my boss texts me on Monday saying hey, we are waiting for you in this meeting...I responded that I wasn't aware of any meetings and I am out on PTO. I didn't even get a reply back, and I'm sure I will get a talking to about it, but why are you even texting me about this? Something like that just sends me spiraling, something so stupid and minor. My job is probably the easiest, least stressful job I have ever had and I still find plenty wrong with it. I want to work for myself so bad but have no idea what I'd even do, or how I would find consistent discipline to even begin such a thing.
I feel like I’m never going to be able to move out on my own again. I’ve been waking up most days recently kicking myself for being where I’m at in life. I just want to have my own place and get back on track and finally figure out what I want to do with my life because 4 months into my call center job and I’m already burnt the fuck out.