Mental Health Thread • Page 495

Understanding so vividly through my therapist that my brain is wired differently in a way I was never able to articulate, even without a specific diagnosis as of right now, has been so enlightening, but also so emotional. I feel like I'm grieving years of having to apologize for poor comprehension skills. And all the time I spend, and still spend, anxious about upsetting people because I often require further clarification when discussing simple tasks.

 

I’m right there with you. I’m not in therapy (I need to buckle down and get into some) but exploring autism on my own and the more I learn the more I oscillate between “awesome, it’s nice to know that there’s a been a reason for ____ being an issue for me my whole life” and feeling bad for needing what I need because of how my brain is wired.

My boss made a couple comments to me my first year with my company about “not making excuses” when I was giving what I thought was more context to a situation and why I handled it the way I did and now looking back it is a weird embarrassment for looking like i was giving excuses and also an anger of, like, I’m giving you context not excuses!!!!

long story turning your post into a post about me: I feel very similarly to you and I know how exhausting that feels. Be kind to yourself!

 

Thank you, friend I have been in that situation many times and just reading it makes me feel not alone, so I appreciate you and this thread!

 

I relate so much! The realization that there was a concrete explanation for so much of how I've been my whole life was simultaneously exhilarating and crushing. On one hand I finally felt vindicated after no one would ever take me seriously about things they just didn't understand, and also better understanding why I've always struggled socially, both making and keeping friends. But on the other hand I've had to adjust the way I see myself in the world, and how others might see me, and it hasn't always been positive.

It really does help to read that other people are going through similar things, and to understand that we're not necessarily as alone as it sometimes can seem.

 

The past two days have been especially difficult, I can’t stop crying today. I’m not in any danger but I feel this close to giving up and just wandering off into the woods. Then I’ll snap out of it and beat myself up for being dramatic. Everyone tells me it will be ok but it’s really hard to see at the moment. I feel like I’ve exhausted all my venting and stressing to friends the past two months too. I just really wish I could go back three years.

 

It also doesn’t help that it’s been sunny maybe 6 days tops in the month I’ve been home

 

Lately I find myself overanalyzing every social interaction more than usual. I worry that I was awkward, and then desperately try to overcompensate because in my head that relationship is in a make or break stage and if I'm silent I might as well kiss it goodbye. And then I worry more, and wonder if I should apologize to that person for being awkward, even though I also know that doing that will be the most awkward. And of course, their perception of things is rarely ever as critical of me as my own is. So yeah, friendships are hard.

 

I have been here and I empathize, friend. Most of mine have stuck around, if that makes you feel any better.

 

My student loans are in default, can barely pay my bills, car didn't pass state inspection so now I gotta pay 1.2k to fix the damn thing. Meanwhile I work OT every fucking week, do doordash on days off, and online survey sites like prolific. So sick of stress due to money, so sick of working, so sick of trying to monetize everything. If I didn't have my girlfriend in my life I'd be scared of what I might do right now.

I know I'm not alone in this. It's so hard to remain hopeful sometimes.

 

Absolutely not alone in that though I know it’s small solace when you’re going through it. Thinking of you and hope things start looking up soon.

 

So, almost 2 months after my dad died he's finally getting placed in the LA National Cemetery. Work was great and let me leave a little early on the day it happened so I could have the space to myself.

I decided to have his engraving use lyrics from Enter Sandman:

Exit Light
Enter Night
Grain of Sand

I'm not sure why but it's always the song I associate most with him. It felt fitting. When I was giving them the lyrics the rep asked if it was from Shakespeare which gave me a good laugh.

Feeling better with that chapter closed. It's been a lot.

 

My dad died a year and a half ago and it would’ve been his birthday tomorrow. Music and food were always two of my biggest connections to him, he sparked a love of both in me at a young age. Ramble On by Led Zeppelin has always been the song I most closely associated with him (he’s also the reason I love The Lord of the Rings so it feels fitting). I’m glad you’re feeling better with some closure. It’s corny but music really is powerful like that.

 

I fucking cried at the end of a Mission Impossible in the theater the other day because I saw it with my parents and haven't been able to stop thinking about them dying since they were attacked by that dog last year. Thankful for every moment I have with them right now.

 

why does being sad feel so fucking embarrassing

 

well I’ve been clean for longer than I’ve ever been in my adult life and it’s reminding me that I also have the regular kind of depression and not just the kind you get when you’re abusing drugs for years on end. anyway it fucking sucks and I hate it

 

Been struggling a lot lately and had some really, really dark thoughts last night. I’m not going to do anything, at least not while I’ve got my mind in the right place and I’m in control, but I didn’t like going back there again. Started thinking about what it would be like for my family, my wife and kids, and that felt god awful.

 

my ideation has been popping up again lately too. nothing I’d ever act on, but I’ll have a thought that makes me super sad and depressed and my brain immediately goes “imagine if you just stopped existing, pretty nice right”

 

Same here. It’s been better the last week or two but I’ve definitely had thoughts of “might just be easier to not be here” when I’m getting frustrated and overwhelmed by my job search and how much I need to do to get back to where I want to be. Not to go too corny but DVP by PUP “I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live” has really been resonating.

 

holy cow I am sad tonight

I don't feel like getting into all the details as to why, suffice to say I am finding out just how not prepared I am for a personal goal of mine. this shit is gonna be really hard and I just gotta take it day by day

 

While the move has been a positive one and one i am glad i made for sure and can say without hesitation. how i've been feeling lately is a reminder that depression doesn't really go away. just feeling a bit rough as of late.

 

taking it day by day is the way to go. I always try to do one small thing each day to get me towards the goal…even if it’s beyond minuscule. Sometimes even the tiniest, *tiniest* step forward is enough to impact my mindset. Hopefully that helps.

 

im really sorry to hear this. In the past, have you found a way to cope through this feeling?

 

Having things to look forward to and thinking back on similar times that I’ve always gotten through helps.

 

getting over this depressive hump a bit, still not exactly where I need to be but getting there

 

I feel outta wack. Im bipolar and kind of drink alot. I have a friend that helps me that I used to talk about on here but recently got warnings to stop talking about him. It pisses me off because this is supposed to be a fun place to share feelings but now Im on edge because Im afraid to get talked down to like Im a POS.