Mental Health Thread • Page 46

Knowing that I'll feel twice as shitty if I just stay in bed and do nothing is my only incentive to get up on bad days. Still end up doing it 80% of the time cuz I have zerooooo will power. anyways hope you got through the day ok, and maybe in a way you can feel proud you got through a shit day, if that makes sense.

 

Things are going really well right now and yet I can't help but wonder when the other shoe will drop

 

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive by giving such a stupid answer, but part of it is honestly that I just get too sore being in bed for more than like 10 hours. Since I get up, I then just kind of try to talk myself into doing everything that I need to do that day. Some days, it worked, some days it didn't.

I've luckily gotten to a better place now and it's easier to motivate myself, but I definitely understand the struggle. Up until about 18 months ago, it was difficult to even get to work on time and my days off were just spent procrastinating. I hope you made it through that day and any other tough days ahead of you.

 

I think I'm making a bit of progress on the self esteem front. I always have that shallow desire to just know what it's like to be the bombshell that everyone marvels over and it's so shallow. I convinced myself that if I looked like that I'd have more confidence, wouldn't have the anxiety I do that partly stems from self esteem, therefore would have the opportunities my anxiety has caused me to miss out on, and maybe I'd have had higher self esteem to not get into that bad relationship. This is all not true because I know the most beautiful women who are still insecure because there's like no winning, so it's just dumb to put all these aspirations into something unattainable and torture myself with it. I've always known that, but I think I'm starting to believe it more lately. I need to stop pining over something impossible and move forward and allow myself to be happy. I've gotten there bit by bit over the years and I think I'm doing ok.


Also in mommy issues news, apparently my mom and sis were having a convo and my mom asked her why she thinks I'm so private. My sis was like "idk, maybe cause you read her diary when she was a teenager" and my mom was like "nah, I don't think that's it" like ok that's not the sole reason BUT IT DOESN'T HELP, MOM!!!! She's so dense lol.

 

yeah I try to determine where self esteem/confidence comes from and I have no idea, it doesn't make sense, terrible people have it and we don't

 

Yeah I try to trace it, but it goes back as far as I can remember. I remember being in 1st grade and feeling like I was too hairy lol and trying to constantly hide my skin so nobody could see. Then body image issues came into play by like 4th grade. I remember I snuck one of my dad's diet pills and then cried cause I thought it was gonna make me lose so much weight I'd wither and die lol. Then of course 5th grade and beyond was the awkward development years. I'm so jealous of those ppl that seem so free and like they genuinely don't care, and I wish I could be like that. I've always been a bit of an anxiety-ridden insecure mess and idk why.

 

sorry boo, I've been anxious since I was in elementary school, I think 7 maybe younger, and was convinced that witches and vampires were going to murder me, and that lasted for like 5 years at least

 

lol aw that's actually kind of adorable. Not the anxiety but it's such a kid fear, even tho it's so real. Kid imagination is no joke and can think up the scariest things!

I've been anxious since forever. I had multiple teachers refer me to a counselor as early as kindergarten. A past therapist made me kinda paranoid that I experienced trauma and forgot or something, cause I wet the bed at a later age than most, had anxiety since a young age, and would dissociate. She looked surprised when I said there was nothing traumatic I remembered so she made me paranoid there was something I forgot!! Or maybe I'm just a control freak that wants an explanation for my weirdness haha

 

Ni

Kid imagination is no joke. I used to see and feel people that I was later told weren't there/real. Counselors (in my experience, at least) always look for something to make their lives/jobs more interesting. Every councelor I've encountered has tried to tell me I was sexuality assaulted as a child but i dont know whats so hard to accept that some people are just predisposed to that sort of sadness/anxiety. Everyone in my family had told me that my personality completely changed when my family moved to a new neighborhood as a kid and started spending time with an older neighbor but I don't remember anything

 

I was probably four or five and would have night terrors and my parents let me sleep between then (which always sucked because they'd roll away from another and the blankets would be pulled tight and would just hover above me and I'd be so cold but that's besides the point) and I would see a man with a gun aimed at my mom and I'd wake her up yelling about it and even though she was awake and looking at the same spot I'd still be seeing some man with a gun.

I also saw a lot of green hands that stopped at the wrist -- like thing in the Addams family -- climbing over the end of my bed. It was usually that dream that sent me to my parents room unable to sleep where I'd feel guilty waking them up so I just stood next to their bed until they woke up and then I'd tell them what happened.

 

I wet the bed till I was like 10 or 11. I'm now trying to remember the excuse I used for leaving one of my best friends birthday sleepovers at night and then coming back in the morning.

We got this thing I'd wear or whatever at night that would detect moisture and sound an alarm and for some reason that worked for me near instantly so I barely used the device and had very little trouble with wetting the bed afterwards. Weird.

 

I'm done

 

hi done I'm dad, this might be the one time this isn't right

anyway I know the feeling

 

I'm so tired. Just a stressed/anxious mess and it's exhausting. I don't see the point of getting out of the bed in the morning. But I do, as I exist mostly on autopilot.

 

thought i was done being pissed at my ex but as it turns out, i'm still really fucking pissed at her and i don't know why!! sick!

 

Away to see my psychologist for the first time in about 6 months.
Looking forward to seeing how they react to me telling them I stopped my meds cold turkey and I've never felt better (Despite the manic episode I had when I quit).

Me and medication do not get on very well, hoping to get myself into some sort of therapy. Bottling stuff up and trowing drugs at it just did not work for me... surprisingly.

 

My girlfriend's grandma is in the hospital and isn't doing well, work has crushed me this week, I had to postpone getting my car fixed, and now I'm sick. It's been a long week.

 

I'm not normally a crier, but I have been crying nonstop/on the verge of crying since Sunday. I am just so over everything right now. I wish I could get some help from people but no one is ever there to help me so I just have to keep sucking it up and dealing with everything on my own and I'm sick of it.

 

I just got back to UCSD after taking the last two quarters and summer off due to depression. One of the main things that contributed to my depression was a falling out I had with my friend group at the end of freshman year (I'm a fourth year now).

This year I'm living with the two guys I was living with last year when I left school, plus two more guys. One is named Grant, who I feel has been one of my only consistent friends throughout college, and who I've talked to in some detail about my depression. I just moved in to the apartment on Sunday and things seemed to be going well; Grant invited me to go to a brewery with him on Monday which was really fun. I've been trying to put myself out more since in the past I've isolated myself when I get depressed. So Monday night after the brewery, I stayed out in the living room and chatted with my apartment-mates and one of their friends. I was feeling pretty proud of myself and even getting excited for the year.

Yesterday I mostly worked on unpacking but I messaged my apartment mates asking what they were up to in the evening. Grant told me some mutual friends were coming over so I was excited for that. No one was home so around 6:30 I asked if there were plans to get dinner out or if I should make myself something, and Grant said I should make myself something. As time passed with no one being home, I began to wonder if maybe they were all getting dinner without me but I figured I was just jumping to conclusions like I often do. But around 8:30 my apartment mates came back so I asked what they'd been up to, and Grant told me they were just at Von's picking up some alcohol. When I asked what they'd been up to before that, he told me they'd gone out to this fish taco place (Oscar's) that he knows I like. A couple minutes later, when I was back upstairs in my room, I heard some more people come in and I could tell from their voices they were the aforementioned mutual friends, which made me think they might have gone to Oscar's with my apartment mates too.

I didn't know why they excluded me. It seemed intentional but again I thought I might just be jumping to conclusions. I felt weird going downstairs to hangout because I didn't want to be crashing their thing if they didn't actually want me around and only invited me because I'm living here.

I decided to ask Grant to talk to me in private and asked him what happened with the Oscar's thing. At first he was talking about how he forgot to invite me or thought I was doing something else for dinner but I guess he could tell I wasn't really buying it because he eventually told me that they just wanted to go with "their" group and that they purposefully hadn't told me about it.

It's true that last year I never fully integrated myself into that social circle in large part because of my depression. But I thought that coming back to school, this would be my main friend group. Now I feel like maybe the lines have already been drawn, and I won't be able to become part of it.

When Grant told me that, I told him that I felt like I didn't really have any friends. Rather than reassure me that he's my friend, he just said "well it's early in the year. there's still time."

I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest. I'm unsure how to proceed.

 

I've been feeling pretty good these first few weeks of school after a really hard summer and freshman year, but I've felt myself falling apart over the past few days. I'm already missing classes and falling behind on assignments, my boss has been ignoring me when I really need to talk to him so I can start getting paid, and I haven't been seeing the friends I have there as much as I hoped. I should have known it was just a matter of time before those depressing and anxious thoughts came back and knocked me back to square one.

 

I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm being walked over in every aspect of my life and I have no control over anything. I drove home blasting a song on repeat and just parked in front of my house and wanted to cry. I know it's partly my fault cause I need to stand up for myself but part of me feels bitter that I even have to and ppl can't just be nice and decent. I try really hard not to step on any toes and it's never reciprocated.

 

Try not to treat it like it's predetermined. You can't control what's already happened, only how to handle things going forward. I'm sure you're not in too much of a hole with your academics to right the ship, and I'm guessing there's a way for you to see your friends more. Just have a couple reasonable goals each day to work towards bettering your situation. You can do it! Just because you're in a slump doesn't mean you can't get out of it! And it sounds like you have before. You don't have to lose the progress you've made.

 

Ex-Texas A&M WR's struggle with mental illness leads to tragedy

Really great read about mental health going untreated for an athlete, and how partial support is equal to no support for the person suffering.

 

I want a new life
I wish I had the money to just move somewhere else and start over

 

I can't actually but nice gesture right