Mental Health Thread • Page 458

Yeah, I am not doing well. I don't think I'm a good person, or at the very least, something about me is broken, and I don't think I can ever give my wife or friends or family what they really deserve. I'm selfish, constantly burnt out, and incapable of working hard on the things I should. I make bad decisions. I have so much trouble understanding things that are common sense or simple for other people, just constantly having to ask for clarification. I feel dumb and like a failure as a person and I wouldn't want to be around me, so I can't imagine how they feel. Sometimes I want to be alone, and other times it feels like I'm dying when I don't have someone to talk to. I can't believe I'm about to pass all this down to someone else.

 

if I’d have known I’d suffer from crippling PTSD later on in life I never would’ve taken those pills they gave me when I was 18. insane to think how the medicine I was given after a routine wisdom teeth removal completely altered the trajectory of my life. like I now have intense flash backs and can’t think about certain times of my life between the ages of 23 and 31 without having a full blown meltdown. like I simply thought about a really bad thing that happened to me and I instantly felt disgusting for even thinking about that time of my life, it’s as if I was doing something wrong just for remembering what it was like back then. my brain instantly goes into this mode where it thinks the memory is real and I’m living through it all over. it’s truly terrifying

 

The internship/field work is what gets me. It makes a masters program feel so inaccessible. Like I work full time in the field I'd be getting my masters in. That all should count. I think some of it would but not all of it. I like my job and don't want to change positions or do part time or something (which I cant afford to do anyway). But I think I just need to apply and have faith I'll figure it all out.

 

A lot of my supervisors at work that encouraged me to apply told me we would cross that bridge together when we come to it (which is shockingly positive for an employer that knows you might be leaving in two years), so it definitely helps if you have supportive people around you - especially at work. I know I may be able to either take an unpaid leave of absence while retaining my position or take an incomplete and stretch the internship out over two semesters. (Or, if I'm really lucky, find a paid internship.)

 

I’m proud of you for going back to school. IIRC, it’s a decision you’ve been struggling with for a while, and though I’m loathe to tell people what to do (especially in this thread), I always thought you should pursue it!

 

I just had a random thought and idk what the feasibility of this would be or even whether it’s a good idea, but an informal chorus mental health support group could be cool. Whoever wants to could jump on a zoom call once or twice a month. Just a thought!

 

Thank you. There is so much going on in my life right now between my parents' health and legal proceedings with the dog attacks, my wife being pregnant, and now going back to school. Lots of stressors, some positive, some negative. But comments like this are appreciated and a woman from my wife's OCD support group almost made me tear up the other night when she approached me afterwards and called what I had to share "insightful" and said I had a real knack for talking to people. She even asked what I did. She doesn't know I'm going back for Clinical Mental Health Counseling.

Love this idea. I know it might not be comfortable for some people, but I would absolutely participate. If more people are interested, I can help schedule/set it up.

 

I’m so fucking tired of being the broke friend in both of my friend groups. My friends are the best and always offer to cover for me when it’s something I can’t swing but I’m always uncomfortable with it, like they’re pitying me when I know they aren’t and genuinely want me there. I don’t know if it’s pride or guilt or what but I have a really hard time accepting their offers.

 

There's so much to do all the time and it's only going double when the baby gets here. I'm trying to do more to satiate my wife's mental health, but the rigid structure of it all is wreaking havoc on mine. I hate going home with a to-do list 10 tasks long after working all day. It's constant stress and I lose the energy to cook actual food instead of garbage. I don't know how people do it.

 

I know this feeling. All my friends have way more money than I do. They’re very generous but I feel bad taking them up on it too!

 

That’s such a tell-tale sign that counseling is what you’re meant to do! Is the OCD support group in person?

I think I’d personally find a chorus group very helpful for my mental health. Helps to have people to talk to, especially those dealing with similar things. Plus we’re already a little community here anyway. I organized a couple small chorus zoom calls back during Covid, and it was really nice just getting to know people from here better. I joined AP.net back in 2009 maybe? And though I haven’t been the most consistent poster, both AP and Chorus have had such a large impact on my life, ESPECIALLY musically.

anyway, if there’s enough interest, let’s do it! Thanks for offering to help organize.

 

Having a whole new type of anxiety attack now. Waking up in the middle of one. Just let me be, please world.

 

It’s a weird feeling, I’m very lucky to have people who care about me but I don’t like feeling like I owe people. This one in particular is about my friend’s bachelor party. He’s already fronted my portion of the Airbnb and just offered to cover my flight. Need to keep reminding myself that he wouldn't offer if he didn’t mean it but still. I think it makes me especially uncomfortable because it’s my fault I chose I low paying field, that’s not their responsibility. Hopefully I’ll land a better job soon.

I’m also on board with the video hang idea. I’m not sure how often I’d be able to commit to it at the moment with how busy things have been but I like the idea.

 

Is it like dissociation?

 

I have no idea really. It's weird, I have crazy imposter syndrome, but I'm somehow still able to feel confident when talking to people in my job. Doing presentations don't phase me like they would in any other situation. Leading a team discussion for a full day of quarterly planning was no big deal for me. I guess it's just from years of being in a senior position where I mentor a lot of devs on the team, even other senior devs.

And yet in a normal social situation, I'm awkward and tend to have difficulty socializing and people have said they thought I was like angry with them but in reality I just have crippling anxiety. My social anxiety seems to be random. I am very talkative with people I am very comfortable with, but other people I just don't talk the whole time and kind of just stick to my fiance like a scared puppy..

 

This happens to me semi-regularly, most often when I'm under stress or was drinking the night before. (It doesn't help that I probably have sleep apnea and am not getting enough oxygen.) When it happens, I put on Music for Airports and do breathing exercises until I can get my heartrate down.

For what it's worth (and you know this), I am/was often this person for my friends and it's only because I genuinely wanted their company. I also don't drive currently and don't have a car, so it's usually a somewhat understood give and take of like, I'll grab your ticket if you don't mind driving. But even then, I still feel bad asking if people can scoop me, so I totally get it.

 

I have found that speaking (even with strangers) is a skillset of mine, I seem to have a way with relating to people, but part of that likely comes from conflict avoidance, and because I seem so approachable, I tend to attract lots of random folks at work or on the bus or whatever that I don't actually want to be talking to. I know that sounds harsh, but my energy is just so zapped from the workday, the last thing I want to do is listen to someone give me their opinion on politics or whatever. When it comes to friends and family, I usually either feel like the life of the party or very withdrawn. There doesn't seem to be a lot of in-between. I'm not sure what that says about me.

 

It’s tough to accept that generosity but try to reframe it in that is how much they want you to be with them. But I’ve been on both ends and when I’ve paid for people that’s my reason — the experience will be better with my friend. I’ve had people pay for me and I hate it lol so no winning really. Brains are stupid.

 

Definitely some guidelines to work out if we do the virtual support group, but as long as we have enough people interested, I don’t think there’s need for an attendance requirement

 

i’d be tentatively interested. i’ve been saying for years i should get back into counseling but just… can’t commit. obviously this wouldn’t be a replacement for that, but it might motivate me to get serious about it.

 

I don't know if I'm going crazy, or if my wife is going crazy, or if it's both of us. Our counselor gave us a shared to-do list strategy to work on together and I don't think we've given it enough time, but it definitely seems to have cracked open some long-term resentment in my wife. It's hard with OCD because I should be allowed to do housework at my own pace and not cater to her mental illness. Like, sometimes I can move things around to do things for her as a way of being nice because I know it's bothering her, but I'm not supposed to center my life around that if it makes me unhappy. I'm trying to stand up for myself more and say sorry less, but I can tell she's miserable (the pregnancy symptoms don't help) and it just feels like every day, instead of being excited to see each other, it's stress. I'm really afraid it's beyond fixing, or that she's not going to be able to handle me being at school three nights a week.

 

I turned 32 yesterday and I reached six months clean today and I should be feeling happy and grateful but I just feel numb and disillusioned. I mean I’m happy to be alive and I’m happy I’m not using but so much damage has already been done that I have to drag around with me every day. Lately I have these weird moments of derealization and/or depersonalization where either my surroundings don’t feel “real” or I don’t feel “real” and I’m just entirely disconnected from my reality. And that usually launches me into a panic attack. Like I don’t even know how to describe it but out of nowhere I’ll think about how I could really fuck my life up really bad in an instant if I wanted to and I start freaking out, similar to what I said about my PTSD where my brain thinks I’ve already done it just because I thought about it. And then I guess as a defense mechanism it just untethers from reality to protect itself. Idk. It fucking sucks. Anyway. Here’s to 32 years old and six months clean and many more months and years to come.

 

Totally get all of this and feel for you. Wish I had advice or a solution. Still, happy birthday and congrats on the 6 months!

 

Really want these zoloft side effects to go away. they haven't been extreme but annoying.

it takes me ages to fall asleep now and if i wake up at night it's a crapshoot whether i'll fall back asleep and i'm quick to be irritated by things. very unlike me.

only partway into my third week on the meds and second week at the full dose tho.

 

My wife had a hysteroscopy today and they found a polyp…which is good, since we found what’s probably the cause of the miscarriage. So she has to have another operation. We just found out TW: suicide her dad tried to kill himself yesterday and she already has a very strained relationship with him.She’s had one thing after another happen to her just this year and I’m worried she’s going to snap if something else happens.