Sister's boyfriend was found dead this morning. Most likely suicide. So I'm really not in a good headspace and won't be for a while.
I can’t shake the feeling that I was destined to be alone. I had a fear of ending up alone for more than half my life and it just feels like it keeps coming true no matter how hard I try. On top of feeling like I failed in life. Being in my 30s alone in a tiny apt barely scraping by. I’m also stuck in a town I hate. Like I feel like one of those people that “never leave” the town they grew up in. It’s suffocating and I feel trapped.
I am 90% certain I have ADD, and that realization recontectualizes my life for the past decade or so. I was assessed and found to have traits that were related to my anxiety diagnosis, but did not receive an official ADD diagnosis. My wife suggest getting a second opinion today, and randomly, my therapist brought it up as well. It really seems to explain why I try so hard to make my brain work the way others' do and can never seem to clench it, the burnout the follows, my organized chaos style of work, my difficulty retaining information (unless it's a subject I'm fixated on), and the way I struggle to do so much that others my age have no problem doing. It's the reason I always feel like a failure and like I'm a child in a room full of adults. It's the reason I've hated. myself for so long. Knowing that the problem is how my brain is wired and not just me being a fuckup is both incredibly hopeful and slightly terrifying. It feels like my entire worldview shifted with this information. Planning on being reassessed ASAP.
I'm so sorry to hear this, and I hope you and your family are able to find some semblance of peace sooner rather than later.
I am pretty sure I am going to quit my job today. No new job lined up. But I got some money saved up, and I am going to take a couple months to decompress, and like try to kind of "re-find" myself before I start looking for something else. I feel like especially since I started WFH 4 years ago this job has de-personalized me, left me not able to keep or find personal social relationships, gotten too comfortable with isolation, not able to find any hobbies or fun besides binge watching TV or playing Switch. Its become clear to me there is no way for me to escape this rutt while staying at this job. I feel like this move is the best my mental health in the longterm. It is something I knew in the back of my head I needed to do for awhile, and I think it is time to pulled that bandaid off.
Its crazy because it has done so much damage to my mental health, but at the same time I don't think I can ever not WFH again. Once you can wake up 30 minutes before your shift starts and not have to commute for 4 years there is no putting that genie back in the bottle.
Commuting definitely sucks but it’s only a ten minute drive for me. Even if I did have a WFH job I would probably work from my gym (there’s work spaces there) or coffee shops as much as possible
I’m in sales and drive around 500-750 miles a week and I’m so burnt out that I want to look for a WFH job. But the pay at my current job is like, low-key life changing money, so it’s hard to rationalize leaving.
For me like if I think if I had a WFH email and spreadsheet job I would be fine. But I have a WFH customer service/tech support type job which that combined with WFH just doesn't do good for you mentally long term.
My situation: they got bought out by a cannibalizing private equity firm and we went private and delisted from NASDAQ. Ever since have been doing quarterly layoffs and nearshoreing. Right now about 60% of my department's work is done my contractors in Mexico and we are considered overstaffed at 65 employees in the US when there used to be around 150 of us. We went from 6 managers and 6 Leads to 3 managers and 2 Leads overnight. Next round of layoffs expected in March/April. I am so burnt out that I am close to getting fired for performance before then anyway. So I figure better just jump off the sinking ship now, before they push me overboard before the ship even sinks.
The dream, imo. My company pushes for so much in person sales shit that can be done via phone/email. Let me do remote sales and this would be the perfect gig.
It's been a very difficult few days since I posted that. I did end up taking a day off from work because it was too much for me to handle. I've been... functional since then. Like, I'm still not in a great headspace, but I'm getting through the day. Guess that has to count for something
Bandaid pulled. Wooo I don't know how to process that feeling. I have worked for Nielsen (I can say the name online now!) since 2006, very weird feeling that it is done. I am giving myself 2 months to life off savings max before I seriously look for something else. I am going to buy a new laptop which I will need, and after that no big purchases. During these next couple months I am gonna try to quit Nicotine, try to get outside and walk more, and going to try to teach myself video/audio editing (I might give content making a try)
This is honestly pretty much what I have been doing the past couple years anyway, except working in the other room 8 hours a day lol
Are you still in THC/CBD sales? I love selling beer/beverages though the stress and thought of the industry in decline has me thinking of a way out eventually. Though like you said the money is really good.
Yeah, I am. Cannabis sucks because so much of my time is spent tracking down payments, so I miss selling beer because it was COD. But, the beer industry is cratering in Michigan and the pay has just never been near what cannabis pays. There are just a ton of bad companies in cannabis though so finding the good ones is tough.