Mental Health Thread • Page 423

Merry Christmas.

 

I feel like I’m in that unattractive section. On hinge I don’t get many likes. When I do, I do look through the persons profile and most of the time idk why they’re trying to match me. It’s people who have or want kids which I don’t and made clear in my profile which they probably didn’t bother to read. The few people I’ve “liked”, I didn’t get a match back. Other apps it’s so easy to mass swipe that I don’t think any of those swipes are genuine or bots. Bc no way I have over 99 likes

but I do agree. Apps suck. It’s all swipe culture these days. I remember when some apps were somewhat decent. It’s minimal info you have to list about yourself hoping you stand out to someone. Also (at least where im at since i can’t speak for others) many guys don’t put effort in to their profile. Over used prompts answers or they’re not even answering prompts. “I’ll fall for you if you trip me” doesn’t stand out and is not funny. Or another answer to that prompt is “I’ll fall for you if you’re kind” like no duh. But also lowkey gives me the ick since they come off as someone who will lovebomb you after the first date. This is people in their 30s!!

 

I have Tinder installed on my phone but have yet to actually use it because despite all of the progress I've made since the dissolution of my last relationship (one which honestly ruined me as a person), I still fight with the thoughts of "you're not good enough for anyone" and I also still have that lingering fear of falling back into the same situation I was in pre-2018. I also don't want to end up accidentally trauma dumping on someone the first time I meet them. That's something I have actually gotten better about, but it's still a concern I have.

 

I've watched way too many tiktoks and Instagram reels that I'm very untrusting of people now so dating in general freaks me out

 

Dating is terrifying. But I’m also at a higher risk of getting cancer and I don’t want to suffer alone. Who will take care of me. Who will drive me to appointments. Who will help me when I can’t do things myself. It’s super terrifying to think about

 

I'm genuinely scared of choking on my dinner and not being able to save myself

 

I’m afraid of passing out/falling and being injured and no one to help me off the floor or call for help. (Among other fears)

 

with the hustle and bustle of the holidays coming to an end I am once again faced with the sobering reality that my life is in a horrible place right now and there’s no telling if I’ll ever be able to get a grip on it

 

See people on tik tok who shared their Christmas family traditions get me all depressed because I don’t have that nor will I ever have that.

 

Understandable but people only post what appears to be happy nice things on social media

 

This is way too true. My family posts all these happy photos and statuses and what their followers don’t know is that like a good 70% of that stuff is being passive aggressively posted to aggravate other members of the family who have distanced themselves from everyone else because of the toxicity and for people like myself caught in the middle of all of it, I have to see those pictures of myself and know that behind the vacant smiles I’m just trying to survive.

 

Most people are unhappy, horrible monsters. Don't stress too much.

 

I could never fake being in a happy loving family just for online to see.

 

People always ask me if I had "fun" doing xyz and I can't remember the last time I felt like something was fun. I'll think it's a nice time but not fun. It's so rare that I'm laughing outwardly and feeling warm and fuzzy inside like what i would describe fun feeling like. Even when I think things are funny or amusing I don't often laugh. Which, if people were to describe something about me it's often my good sense of humor. I crack jokes and make sarcastic comments but I rarely laugh or have fun. It kinda bums me out to think about. I put on a breezy facade but am so uptight inside

 

Whoa. I also have this. I went to a concert and I didn't have fun, but I kind of enjoyed it if that made sense?

But when you said "feeling warm and fuzzy inside" I don't think I've had that in a very, very long time and I never realized that.

My brain got super fucked up a few years back and I don't exactly know how to fix it.

 

Similarly, it's so weird and shitty knowing you can be (and often are) a fun, outward, extroverted person, but suddenly have zero interest in even making conversation in some social situations. I just spent two days with family and just kept hoping no one would ask me about myself.

 

Well, in regards to my family, I certainly don’t do anything to fake my way through family photos. My family is capable of being very toxic and all kinds of messed up, but they’re also my family and I genuinely do love the individual members for varying reasons. So I’m with them in those pictures that they post because I do love them. I’m not faking anything for social media to see. I really couldn’t give less of a damn what Frank from Idaho who I’ve never met thinks about my parents’ posts. I smile through those photos because, once upon a time, when I was very young the family dynamic was completely different and I know one day they’ll all be gone so I do what I feel like I need to do for myself to remember those days. I know my parents are trolling for social clout with those pictures, but for me I can at least look back at them and pull what positivity I can from those images personally. So while being at those events and being asked to smile for the camera absolutely fills me with anxiety, I smile to survive it in the moment because I choose to take from those images what matters to me in the long run. I’ve made a game out of it in my head where I’ve got this secret no one else in my family knows and while they get to line up and pose for those pictures for whatever reason, in my head I’m doing my own dance they don’t get to know about because that’s for me. I do agree that I think the game they play for social media is absolutely not something I’m interested in whatsoever, but that’s their problem not mine and I’m learning a lot in therapy to let them have their struggle. I can’t fix them. Growing up that became my expected role in the family and it began to eat away at me over the years that I couldn’t even fix myself let alone them so it manifested into all kinds of things like depression, panic attacks, and anxiety disorders. But I don’t need to be a fixer anymore. So I smile to survive in the moment, but genuinely smile inwardly because I’ve got a secret I’m not allowing them to be privy to because they haven’t earned it. I get to have something that’s all mine and that feels good.

 

I can't even fake happy pictures with my family because most of my family is dead to me after all the shit with my dad. Guess that can be a positive and a negative, though I lean towards the former because I feel so much better without them dragging me down

 

Yeah, for sure. Family exists on a terrible spectrum and it’s going to be different for everyone. I’m glad you’ve made the right choices for yourself and distanced yourself from the toxicity.

 

I'm not doing well today.

 

What's up? Want to talk? If not, that's cool.

 

Thanks for asking. Sometimes it's hard to put a finger on why certain days are worse than others, but my depression has really flared up. I think maybe it's because now that Christmas is over, I feel like I don't have an excuse to keep putting off all of the shit I need to do. My situation feels very dire now and has for some time, but Christmas was a nice distraction. I'm unemployed and have been for a while. Financially, I really need to work (at the very least part-time), but searching and applying for jobs feels too onerous. I also feel like it's hopeless given my weak resume. And then on top of that, I'm scared that even if I do get a job, I'm going to suck at it. So the motivation really isn't there. Couple that with the sleeping disorder I was diagnosed with last year that saps my energy on a daily basis, and it's really hard for me to get anything done, which just makes me feel even worse about myself.

 

This is relevant to the friendship conversation we were having earlier.

 

Hell yeah, horrible mental health day. Want to cry.

 

I feel like I just more and more depressed. Literally watching tv shows and movies makes me cry because i just feel so lonely even tho I know it’s fake. This has been going on for a while now and it hasn’t happened before.