Mental Health Thread • Page 418

Yeah I totallllllly understand that. And ultimately, kids want their parents to be happy. I found it really sad that they decided not to find real love for that long. It wouldn't have bothered me.

 

When I was in the hospital last weekend, there was an old man in my room after having a stroke. On his last day there, his daughter brought up his wife on FaceTime. You could tell neither of them were fully there mentally anymore, but they were so loving to each other. Saying how much they missed each other. He was apparently poking her in the face on the screen. It was cute. And it made me sad that I'd never seen older adults act like that before.

My mom's dad was a monster. A real terrible person. Only married My grandmother to look good socially because he had a bad past. My dad's dad was just kinda of an ass and very old fashioned. Loved me and I loved him, but he treated my grandmother like trash and she waited on him hand and foot. And then yeah, just nothing between my parents. But they were fantastic and loving parents. Purposely raised me away from my grandparents other than holidays so I wouldn't be treated badly.

I've been thinking of that stuff a lot lately, actually. It's probably one of the top things I want to discuss when I finally find a therapist. I think it's traumatized me to a degree and I'd like to get to the root of it. I worry it's made me a bad partner myself. I can just be unromantic and thoughtless.

 

I’m starting to realize more acutely that my constant flashbacks of my life are often PTSD events triggered by things. A lot of involves violence against me, times when people belittled me and no one stood up for me, a lot of bad moments from my life. I found that they often have one thing in common: They are moments I felt like I had little to no control and my PTSD often involves me mentally thinking of different outcomes to cope but I often just get upset.

 

My ex and I divorced when my daughter was 2. I seriously considered trying for longer knowing we weren’t going to be happy but ultimately we decided it would be better to do it now when she doesn’t understand and it would feel more normal. Sometimes I definitely still feel guilty especially when my daughter talks about other moms and dads in the same house.

 

Aw man I'm sure that's so hard for you, I'm so sorry to hear. Just trust in your gut, I think you made the right call from what you're saying. Wishing you and your family the best!

 

Every time I forget to take my meds my intrusive thoughts get 10x worse and it’s almost unbearable. Doesn’t help that I had nothing to do today so I just wallowed and let it ruin my Saturday.

 

I get it, I fuck up every good thing and every interaction with people. I fucking hate myself enough already.

 

I'm a dumb, stupid, ignorant person and my existence is meaningless.

 

I fucking hate how easy it is for me to spiral and be consumed by anxious and depressive thoughts. One minor thing and it's off to the races. Doing so poorly right now. Anytime I'm awake sucks.

 

That's exactly where I am right now. It's getting harder and harder to fight.

 

I read that book earlier this year when I was doing really well and I’m glad I did. I may need to re read it now that I’ve fallen back so far from where I was.

 

Thanks to anyone who’s said anything kind to me recently. My life looks really bleak right now and I fucked up a lot of good I had going for me. The thing that gets me the most is just a short two months ago I had something in me that wanted to stay clean. Two months later and I feel like it’s completely vanished. It’s just gone. All the horrible shit the last month and a half has brought me has done nothing to make me want to give it up. Even though right now I’m being forced to I’m still planning my next move my next way out. And I swear to god I want it to be my last. Frankly, I’m terrified. Granted I’ve only been clean for five days and I’m still withdrawing so my brain is playing all kinds of tricks on me. I just want it to end.

 

I've been wanting to go to therapy for awhile but had to wait until insurance stuff got figured out. Finally heard back from insurance and I gotta sign up for new insurance so I went on the marketplace and looked at my options and LOL. Every plan in my budget is absolute shit and the one I'm looking at you have to pay out of pocket until you reach your deductible which is like $9000 sooooo not gonna be reaching that anytime soon! So looks like therapy is out and I gotta go back to just listening to sad music and crying on the floor!! Love being constantly punished for being poor!

 

tw: suicide



I wrote the first part of a suicide note last Wednesday. I really had a plan to do it. When push came to shove I couldn’t. But I keep reading the few sentences I wrote over and over again. Thinking of the mental state I was in. High out of my mind and fucking terrified. I’ve never felt so fucking low in my life. If I ever get to that place again who knows maybe I’ll actually do it. Fuck. I’m so scared right now but that fear will keep from doing this to myself again.

 

Damn so many things I wish I could say to ya’ll that are struggling right now over a coffee or beer or something. Wishing you all the best, please don’t be too hard on yourselves.

 

I’ve had several people in my life tell me I need to give myself some grace and not be so hard on myself. It’s hard when I’ve fucked up so much in such a short amount of time. It’s hard to internalize the fact that I am sick and suffering from a legitimate illness and just need treatment, which I’m receiving thankfully. I think I’m going to do ketamine treatment.

 

I'm finally seeing someone in January to get some proper evaluations because I think I've had some brain issues since I've been a child, but I am also exploring ketamine options, it's just the expense that gets me.

I don't understand why we got shafted and ended up with the brains we have when shitbags get to be fully functioning people actively ruining others lives. It makes me angry and sad.

 

Also, I just found out that they didn't properly do my reschedule like they said they did so my appointment isn't for another 9 months.

I'm pretty livid right now.

 

I deleted the Facebook app and turned off all phone notifications yesterday (including texts - if it's urgent, they'll call). Feels pretty freeing to not constantly be at the beck and call of dozens of people, even though I've already heard from one friend that it's "frustrating."

 

So I get some pretty intense anxiety when my wife travels for work and she just left for a two day trip. Totally pathetic but panic symptoms come pretty quickly. Might be an Atavan kind of night

 

I'm dealing with really bad seasonal depression on top of "regular" depression and it fucking sucks. I know nothing is really wrong right now, but it's just been so fucking hard waking up every single morning. I do manage to fight the urge to call out from work each time so I guess that's a positive. But I just want winter to be over already, and it technically hasn't even started.

 

Same, forcing myself to wake up early and go to the gym has helped

 

Might take a sick day tomorrow. I just need a break. Hate feeling guilty for that.

 

I took one today and felt anxious during the early part until I just kept repeating “they give me sick time for a reason” over and over. I hate this work culture in America.