Mental Health Thread • Page 382

My mom has been battling cancer for two years. She’s currently in a hospice home and has 5-7 days left. I’ve known this is coming, but it feels impossible to deal with. She isn’t responsive but she did squeeze my hand the other night. I woke up really sick today and I can’t even be with her right now. My throat and chest is on fire, my at home Covid test came back negative but I’m fearful it was a faulty test. I just want to be there with her. I want one more Christmas with her, one more conversation, one more hug. I don’t even know if I’ll be well enough to see my therapist tomorrow. This timing is the absolute worst.

 

Does anyone have experience with partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient programs? I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist and have been bouncing between different therapists, but I feel like I need something more, but I'm not to the point of needing to be inpatient at a pysch hospital

 

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I hope you have support around you.

 

the last few weeks i’ve been forgetting to take my meds consistently and boy howdy do i notice the difference. realizing the short tempered miserable hopelessness was my status quo for years and years is really eye opening. i was a mess before i found the right med combo. wellbutrin and strattera have completely changed my life for the better and i am so grateful i’m not making the people in my life feel like they need to always be walking on eggshells around me anymore.

and weirdly enough this journey of working on myself has given me perspective and empathy for my mother who very seriously needs help but will not. it still sucks how she treated me and my sisters and it’s not a justification or rationalization of any of it, but i do know now first hand how hard it is when that is your daily reality to motivate yourself to do something about it. being able to let go of that anger and resentment is something i never would have thought possible

 

I had a dream the other night that there was a mass shooting at the school I work at. I was at work the next day feeling terrible and didn’t know why until the dream came back to me. Last night, I dreamed the office of my therapist was interrogating me on how much she was helping me and determining if I’m going to be reassigned. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to feel anxious from dreams when I wake up that I have no control over.

 

Yeah, I've been having some rough ones as well lately. A lot about car accidents, which stems from my own. Too vivid.

 

It’s been about 5 weeks since I suffered a foot injury that has kept me from running and doing basically any exercise on my foot. Going from running 35-45 miles a week every week for the last 3 years to being completely shut down has not gone well and I was worried about it from the get go.

I’ve gained weight, clothes don’t fit well anymore, I don’t like my body, I don’t want to go places because I mentally feel like shit and don’t want people to see me because physically I think I look like shit.

It’s the holiday season and it really doesn’t seem like it. I haven’t done any Christmas shopping for anyone, including my nieces and keep putting it off because it’s already 12/5. I haven’t even made a list for my parents because without being able to run or know when I will be able to again I don’t want to put some of that stuff on my list because I think that will depress me more to get that kind of stuff and not be able to use it and I don’t really need or want anything else.

Sadly, the only thing that I tend to feel accomplished with lately is work mostly just because I can see tangible results from that, but by 11 of each work day I’m mentally done and want everyone to piss off.

I know things aren’t as bad as they seem and once I can run again things will even out and my energy and mentality will improve but until that happens I’m just lagging. Weekends used to be enjoyable long runs every weekend and now I roll out of bed at noon, eat for 2-3 hours straight, take a nap and repeat. I need to get rid of some of these bad habits but without being able to do most exercises I just find no point and no motivation.

sorry for the long post. Hopefully venting and posting this “breaks the seal” to get out from under all of this.

 

I’m sorry to hear that. How long did they say for your foot to heal? Are there other exercises you can do that you think can kind of fill that gap from not being able to run?

 

they have an estimate of 4-8 weeks so hopefully it’s winding down, but I went for a run last weekend after having no pain during walks or at any other time (when it started it was a constant throbbing no matter what I did) and after a mile my foot felt like it did on day 1 so that was discouraging.

I could try and focus on core work and upper body strengthening since I have the arm strength of Gumby, but that type of exercise is not fun for me. Running isn’t “work” for me which is why I love it so much, but core work, strength & conditioning while sometimes enjoyable have always been a weak link for me. And when I first got injured I thought I could take the positive and focus on those areas but it hasn’t happened.

Today, overall was a decent day. I finally did a deep dive of cleaning my apartment which I always like and was glad I had the energy and mindset to do it and I went ahead about bought some new pants with a bigger waste and some bigger work shirts. Looking at those purchases as temporary to make me feel ok in the present vs seeing those purchases as a negative “guess this is who I am now” because even if I am currently a bigger size or 2 or 3 than what I want to be, trying to stuff myself in clothes too tight isn’t doing me any good and is worse than just accepting the present for what it is.

I also have to remember that 99.9% of the world and 100% of my coworkers do not give one iota of a shit of what I look like or probably even have noticed lol it’s just a mental game with me (one of those things we’ve all been through)

 

I've deleted twitter because i've gotten addicted to scrolling through all the things things that make me sad or angry all the time. I feel like I'm going to be out of the loop on a lot of things, but I'm sure it'll be worth not feeling as wound up or anxious all the time.

It's a fucking hell hole.

 

I feel like it may be time to delete my personal accounts on some social media but it makes it so hard to promote anything.

 

End of a relationship is so weird. Especially living together. Like one day you’re best friends and saying I love you, goodnight kisses etc to being like weird roommates that avoid each other at all costs. This shit fucking sucks.

 

At 3am I couldn't stop laying in bed stressing so then I got up and watched tiktoks for an hour and now at 4am I made tomato soup but also for some reason I started laundry but now I'm concerned it may be loud for the downstairs neighbor and idk why that didnt occur to me before but it's already started and idk what else to do about it sry neighbors im having a mental health episode!! I live on the top floor so I have no idea how sound travels in this building when there's someone above you

 

I’m letting her keep the house because I honestly don’t want it and it kinda feels weird to me that she does want it? The situation with the dog is tricky. I bought him but it was for her birthday. We talked about some sort of split custody but I think we both know that won’t work and I don’t think it’s fair to the dog either. We’re going to talk more tomorrow and iron out everything more I guess. I did find a nice apartment today but it’s cats only no dogs so I don’t know what to do. At this point I might be more upset about losing my dog but I want what’s best for him too.

 

Remind her that dog is MAN’s best friend.

But in all seriousness, that all fucking sucks. Sorry you are going through it. If you ever need anyone to vent to, my DM’s are open.

 

I hate this time a year because not only is it near the end of the calendar year, but I’m another year single. I can’t stand people that say to “enjoy being single”, because they don’t understand how hurtful, depressing, and lonely it can be. I hardly have any friends. I have no SO to vent to about my stressful work day. I have no one to help me around the apt when my mental health is bad. I’m all on my own. It’s too much to handle. Trying to accept the fate of being alone forever is really difficult. And forever having no one to talk to, or spend time with. It hurts. It really hurts.

 

I’m so sorry to hear this man. My DM’s are also open if you need someone to talk to / vent to but definitely no pressure. I know we’re not super close or anything but we seem to frequent a lot of the same threads so you feel a little more like an acquaintance than most users on this site and while I have absolutely nothing to help or offer in terms of experience to what you’re going through just know that you likely have a lot of support on this site.

 

To you and everyone else who reached out to me in this thread or through DMs I truly do appreciate it.

 

Sometimes I have a really nice time with family or friends, so nice that it almost makes me want to cry, and something in my brain/gut tells me I am deeply, deeply undeserving of happiness.

 

I have that happen sometimes too and it fucking sucks. Like why is my brain against me being happy?

 

I'm so sad all the time. I want to go back in time to when I was a kid/teenager and excited about the world and my future all the time. I can't remember the last time I've been excited by something. I just want to cry all the time.

I really, really hate life and the world. It's miserable.

 

I wish I had more to offer, but I just want you to know that you are not alone and I struggle with those feelings as well. I'm wishing you the absolute best.

 

Today on my lunch I was eating in my car and some random dude stood in front of the car and threw a big rock at my windshield, knocking my rear view mirror off. I just sat there confused until he walked away and now I’m pissed off. What the fuck was that about? What would he have done if I got out of my car and fucked him up for that? Now I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. Ugh.

 

Jesus that’s terrifying. I hope you’re okay.

 

I’d take at least one day off for a mental health day. That’s psychotic.