Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.
motivation at an all time low & self hatred just keeps growing weeeooooo
I had a breakdown last night. After a fight, I went in my car at 2AM and drove down the highway for an hour. I feel empty.
This pandemic really shows just how much I fucked up my life and distanced myself too much from everyone I know.
I can't take much more of this lol
i'm feeling real low today.... took a shower and started thinking about what my suicide note would say. i wouldn't go through with it but ended up just shattered in tears. not sure whats wrong with me but everything feels bleak all the time now.
This time is good at really fucking people up. I know I'm still recovering from hitting a real nasty low a few weeks ago and it'll take some time yet. I mean i still just find myself bursting into tears at random moments.
Do your best not to isolate yourself and talk to friends and family if you can. I find reaching out has helped me and I'm definitely always around if you want to talk or just vent.
Been kind of a down day mentally. Started out alright, but started feeling meh as I tried to take a nap. I haven't really been able to take a nap for a few weeks, just start to feel too anxious when I do. I can sleep at night fine, but the nap just doesn't seem possible anymore. I miss being able to take a nap now and then.
And i just sort of felt mentally exhausted like what am i gonna get out of life? Like life is too long and maybe I don't wanna be here for that long. Often I feel like I'm only around still because I don't want to hurt my family.
My physical issues stemming from anxiety seem to be getting better overall tho! I think my current hurdle is just not thinking about it all the time. It's all my brain has focused on over the past 3 weeks, so adjusting to not thinking about it all the time has been hard. Once I am not thinking about it, I think I'll be golden, though like today I expect a couple setbacks now and again.
Tw I guess?
these days it’s like every single thought leads back to suicide. Every logical path of thinking ends there and it’s frustrating to feel like I can’t say that or act on it because there’s a stigma, even though it would/does make sense to me. I definitely of course hope that one day I look back on this and think wow I can’t believe I almost did it then, what a dummy. But I don’t really think there’s any chance of that happening short of a lobotomy. Everything on every level sucks and I don’t want to deal with it. The only two reasons I haven’t is because of not having someone I trust to take care of my cat, and bc it would basically ruin my moms life and that gives me too much guilt.
i'm 100% here with you. the onslaught of bad news that keeps happening in my life is really taking its toll. i can't get through any more mornings without being an absolute puddle of mud. we can do this together though. we'll come out on the other side on top, i really think so.
This crisis has really helped me crystallize just how much I’m drained by any kind of social activity or event where I have to be “on” in front of people or specific time is a factor. I always knew it was true, but now that I’ve been away from those obligations for months and can see how well I’m holding up despite the horror in the world, I know I need to do much better for myself once things get back to “normal”. I just can’t schedule tons of things for the same period of time and expect them to all bring me joy instead of exhaustion. I’ve even avoiding watching a lot of live-streamed events during this because I get that same feeling of anxiety and obligation from attending something online that I do for physical events.
Even if it is guilt keeping you here, that's better than the alternative imo. When I've had these thoughts and get to the "well, what if I actually did it?" I always end up thinking about my dad (I disappoint him too much already) and the 9 year old I babysit (we have a v special bond and I cant do that to her in her formative years)
I'd miss you around here
But on a serious note, have you tried hotlines or reaching out to someone who is actually qualified to help (idk what y'all do for work/have degrees in, so not knocking if you are, but I am definitely not qualified lol) I'm employed by a church and they always have free services available for mental health, and it doesnt come with a religious agenda if you dont want it. Sometimes I like a little more anonymity than a public forum lol
it's actually nice for me that I don't get anxiety from live-streamed events, like going to a concert means being around a lot of people and can be stressful sometimes for me
but having you time is important, I'm sure it's obvious that my ideal me time to being with people ratio is like 9 to 1
Oh you got a large gap in your ratio too? I hate when it adds up to days
I’m so happy you’re all alive today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and for 50+ years
Omg I have friends who are going stir crazy and are like itching to get out and be social and interact with humans, but I've been working through this and dealing with clients who are tougher than usual because of it and I'm like NOPE. Like y'all can come out in the sun and eat at restaurants and do your thing and imma just look for my opportunity to finally hide out from people and the world
getting real help is so hard especially rn bc everywhere is overwhelmed and I don’t have insurance. But it has been on my list of things to do, I do desperately want to be on medication and in therapy.
as for hotlines and the like, I haven’t rly ever been sold on them. Usually when I’m in that kind of mood/mental place, those types of responses only frustrate me because like I said to me logically everything makes sense to lead back to one thing. it also frustrates me when people try to convince me that things will get better in the future bc it’s like meaningless lmao I’m kind of a nightmare
I don’t know where to start. I’m tired of getting ghosted. It’s hard enough as it is to find someone I feel like is compatible and has qualities I’m looking for. It’s rare. Then they ghost me when I think things seem to be good. It hurts. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to about my day and I literally have no one to talk to. I always have no one.
I've already been so depressed the last two weeks and today I just found out that my nephew and his girlfriend will be moving out of state in five days (they had planned to do this in a year or two, but some things abruptly changed). I want to be happy for them and be supportive, and I ultimately am, but I'm also just so sad and I've spent the entire day crying or holding back tears. My nephew has been one of my best friends since we were kids; my parents raised him and he lived with us basically his entire life. I just feel like I've been losing family left and right the last two years and like everything is just falling apart since my mom died, and I feel so alone. It all just hurts.
you guys ever feel emotionally constipated? I've been feeling that way for longer than I could remember and at this point it feels like I could scream and scream for hours on end until my voice gives out without even denting the pain I carry with me every waking moment
idk dude I'm fine most of the time but nights like these when I get sentimental about good things that are gone and will never come back tend to remind me that I am a deeply sad person and I dunno where else to put it so it's going here, whatever
Well, I'm kinda back. :)
Honestly, it's been pretty crappy for awhile, but I'm trying to stay positive now (for my own wellbeing).
I don't want to jinx it, but I have scheduled an appointment with a new therapist for next Wednesday. I'm so so nervous because it will be over the phone and I don't exactly want to tell my hubby to get lost, but I don't want him hearing either. I planned to just take a walk, but it's supposedly going to storm that day. :(
But to staying positive-maybe it will let up for the day, or at least for my session! Fingers crossed.
Sending my best to y'all! It's tough times. We need some good news already!
Today hasn't been good. had some backsliding on the physical issues and I just don't know anymore if it's due to anxiety or whatever. I'm just so tired of it because it fucking dominates my thoughts, even when things were improving, and it just makes me think about
killing myself because it's just not fun and i'm worried this is just my future.
Really, really struggling to keep it together at the moment.