been eating basically half a meal a day for a couple weeks now. My sleep issues have ramped up again and it's so fucked up it's really messing with me. Sleep paralysis, hallucinations, sometimes I feel something grabbing me or pulling me - honestly if I lived 200 years ago I'd think I fucking lost it and was possessed but obviously I know better. I literally come out of it screaming because I'll see figures in the room and it scares the shit out of my girlfriend cuz she's passed out. I've started hearing what I think are voices before I sleep but I think my mind is just overactive because I'm scared it's going to happen. I just feel sick and I can't eat. also, I normally know to keep my eyes shut when I'm having it, but it's really hard when you feel someone grabbing you and I shit you not it actually hurts, the brain is weird af.
I do get migraines, and they have ramped up a bit over the past few weeks. Thank you for this. I will look into it further. The one thing I have found though, while researching, is that so many things have the same exact symptoms. I don't know how doctors ever diagnose someone and feel truly confident in it.
Went to search for low income apartments. Half weren’t even low income because rent was over 1100. One place charges out the ass for pet rent (50), which is the highest I’ve ever seen! Also to rent a w/d it’s 50 a month also, which is more than the other place. I’m getting more depressed rn. I literally can’t afford shit in this state
I feel like I’m doing good with my driving. I go every day and today I went down the busier roads by me. I also successfully parked and backed up in a parking lot that wasn’t empty!! But then I think about the damn test and it makes me sick. I get so nervous during any test and I’m afraid I’m going to make dumb mistakes. It’s dumb bc I don’t even have my test scheduled yet and I know if I fail I can just retake it. But I put so much pressure on myself bc if I fail it’s required that I pay for schooling and I don’t want to do that bc I need all my money to buy a car. Also terrified of the maneuverability portion. I have no where to practice it so I guess I have to buy some little baby cones and go to an empty parking lot and hope that’s good enough. I just haaaate backing up. And my moms car is a big SUV which doesn’t help. I’ll just be so glad when all the testing is overrrr!!!
I have to work hard not to let others feelings dictate my own. I didn't get the reaction from someone I expected and I'm letting that color my view. I'm such a people pleaser that it's difficult for me to navigate when I think something will please someone and I get the opposite reaction. I need to be confident in my decisions and thought processes and be okay with it. It's so hard tho.
I'm currently in a pretty volatile headspace because i have no idea what's going on with my dad and the people in my family who would know are the exact people i don't want to talk to about anything. The uncertainty is really eating at me. He could be going to prison, he could be going back to a convalescent home; i just don't know and my brother and sister are certainly not going to tell me anything since all they do is fucking lecture me. I don't know how i'm going to handle any of this.
No clue what is going on with my sleep but it's triggering other issues like anxiety and suicidal ideation. I am just getting the worst sleep and all of my dreams are unsettling and involve my childhood home and it's becoming like a self fulfilling prophecy where I am starting to get anxious about sleeping which prob triggers the issue too. When I lay down to go to bed it doesn't feel "right." Like psychologically it doesn't feel like my bed. Idek.
Feeling really down and depressed. This week is the week I was suppose to go on vacation, but that went to shit. It's hard not to think about it. Like idk how I'm going to get passed this. I haven't been the same over the past 3 months and idk what to do. I barely make it to work on time. I can't focus on anything and I have no motivation. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up Edit: I'm actually in tears rn. I wish I had someone to talk to but I have no one. As always
I hate my appearance so fucking much. We had professional photos taken for our company website and everyone looks so good in them and I look awful. I gained some weight over the past few years which makes me hate my appearance even more. I'm down about 25 pounds from my heaviest, which I am happy about, but when I see this photos... I just hate hate hate hate my appearance. fuck. I notice how my suit looks tight where it shouldn't and how round my face is and my chin and fucking fuck fdkjfsd;a;jkfsd;jkfsd I've never been happy with how I look, but lately, I can barely take looking at myself. Thinking about my face being on the website disgusts me and I want to stop it. I had them switch the photo they selected but nothing looks good. /rant
Still apartment searching. Theres another apt I want to look at but theyre closed tomorrow and open sunday? (not like I can afford it) but can't do sunday because I work. I have to find out what the utility charge is. But then it goes back to finding a job nearby and completing my course. My aunt texted me asking if I was still going on my vacation. Not sure if she knows I'm not with the bf anymore. It's pretty humiliating. I can't recover from humiliation. Like you don't make big plans, then blindside someone, its fucked up. It's really hard to function being lonely.
Pretty sure I'm developing oral cancer and that kind of bums me out. I know I'm prone to getting cancers of all sorts because of my disease, but it just isn't fun always having something wrong with my body.
I’m struggling really bad rn. In tears. I hate seeing holiday decorations at the stores because it’s just a reminder I’m spending the holidays alone. And will be for the rest of my life.
Welp I officially feel completely defeated. I was feeling so good bc I’ve been doing great with driving. But I tried the maneuverability today and there’s no way I’m ever going to pass that portion. My moms car is so big it barely even fits in the space and to back up without hitting any cones...nope. I have no other car to use. And my mom just kept screaming at me bc I couldn’t do it. I just feel like a complete failure. And she’s putting all this pressure on me bc she’s going on a trip this month and wants me to have my license by then so I can take her to the airport and she’s getting mad bc I’m not progressing fast enough. I’m just so upset with everything.
I feel insecure and shallow again. Vacationing with my friend who everyone thinks is gorgeous and she's super outgoing and charismatic and chill. So everyone is obsessing over her and like...I don't want that for me. i would be so uncomfortable. But man if I don't feel like the Ugly Friend here. So like I can't win lol. If I got that attn I'd shy away from it and hate it, but watching guys fall all over her and feeling basically invisible isn't so great either. Like ppl come up to her to tell her how pretty she is and I just stand there awkwardly. I think part of me is bitter that I'll never know what it's like to be that way. Like to be the prettiest one in the room and have ppl single u out for attn. Even tho I'd hate the attn. But then I see how insecure my friend is and she's not rly any happier at all. So idek. Like I don't want guys coming up to me all the time but I also want that feeling of like.... Having ppl think that I'm pretty lol. Idk I'm a mess.