Mental Health Thread • Page 286

I feel this. It sucks.

 

Still apartment searching. Theres another apt I want to look at but theyre closed tomorrow and open sunday? (not like I can afford it) but can't do sunday because I work. I have to find out what the utility charge is. But then it goes back to finding a job nearby and completing my course.

My aunt texted me asking if I was still going on my vacation. Not sure if she knows I'm not with the bf anymore. It's pretty humiliating. I can't recover from humiliation. Like you don't make big plans, then blindside someone, its fucked up. It's really hard to function being lonely.

 

Pretty sure I'm developing oral cancer and that kind of bums me out. I know I'm prone to getting cancers of all sorts because of my disease, but it just isn't fun always having something wrong with my body.

 

Whaaaaaaat how can you tell?

 

I’m struggling really bad rn. In tears. I hate seeing holiday decorations at the stores because it’s just a reminder I’m spending the holidays alone. And will be for the rest of my life.

 

Welp I officially feel completely defeated. I was feeling so good bc I’ve been doing great with driving. But I tried the maneuverability today and there’s no way I’m ever going to pass that portion. My moms car is so big it barely even fits in the space and to back up without hitting any cones...nope. I have no other car to use. And my mom just kept screaming at me bc I couldn’t do it. I just feel like a complete failure. And she’s putting all this pressure on me bc she’s going on a trip this month and wants me to have my license by then so I can take her to the airport and she’s getting mad bc I’m not progressing fast enough. I’m just so upset with everything.

 

Sorry, she's being unreasonable

Driving is stressful and tough

 

I feel insecure and shallow again. Vacationing with my friend who everyone thinks is gorgeous and she's super outgoing and charismatic and chill. So everyone is obsessing over her and like...I don't want that for me. i would be so uncomfortable. But man if I don't feel like the Ugly Friend here. So like I can't win lol. If I got that attn I'd shy away from it and hate it, but watching guys fall all over her and feeling basically invisible isn't so great either. Like ppl come up to her to tell her how pretty she is and I just stand there awkwardly. I think part of me is bitter that I'll never know what it's like to be that way. Like to be the prettiest one in the room and have ppl single u out for attn. Even tho I'd hate the attn. But then I see how insecure my friend is and she's not rly any happier at all. So idek.

Like I don't want guys coming up to me all the time but I also want that feeling of like.... Having ppl think that I'm pretty lol. Idk I'm a mess.

 

I honestly wished I liked anything about myself.

 

watching an SBSK video and the girl he's interviewing is talking about mental illness and how she hates when people say "other people have it worse" and it just reminded me of the first time I tried seeing a psychiatrist and he literally asked me "don't you ever think about other people who have nothing?" and I just got really mad. like wtf dude this is your profession how could you even ask that.

I always wonder what kind of people dislike this guy's videos, seriously...

 

I just want to wake up and not want to kill myself

 

I'm just coming back from vacation and my anxiety and depression is back full swing. I had to call into work and say I'd be a few hours late today due to being sick overnight, when in reality I'm just so nauseous from my anxiety. I have a lot on my mind lately and its so hard to get myself out of bed. I just want to stay in it forever and cry. I'm just so over everything and don't have much will to live outside of survival. Just surviving is the only thing that keeps me going. Fear of losing my home or tanking my career and being unable to pay my loans. Fear of everything. I don't want to kill myself but I often wish I would just fall asleep for good and never wake back up.

 

I also just hate my job for whatever reason. I'm good at it. My coworkers always express their appreciation for me. But I'm just not happy with what I do and don't know what would make me happy. I'm just stressed and worried all the time.

 

Third day trying the damn maneuverability. Still can't do it. If the cones are just a tiny bit over, I can do it perfect. But with them in the right spots, I just cannot get it. Idk what to do. I don't know anyone with a smaller car except my dad and I refuse to ask him for help bc he's flat out told me to not bother asking him for help before sooooo.... I'm tempted to just go and buy a car since I'm going to need one anyway. Idk this whole thing is stressing me out.

 

I've been whining about this a lot but I'm trying to work through articulating it. I feel like I've always been an outsider or idk just not rly liked. I think in my jobs I'm always fairly well liked because coworkers have time to get to know me, but in other situations I just feel so invisible. I'm awkward and quiet and self conscious and sarcastic. Like when I meet new ppl or even encounter family members who I don't see very often. I feel like it's a lot of projection from me and my middle child syndrome but also legit struggles with how I come off at first. It's different at work because it's my job and I have somewhat of a direction or script. In real life I just flounder. Even several months later if they like me or think I'm funny or whatever, I just rarely like relate to others. I don't think I'm better than others.... At least I don't think I think that, but I just rarely meet people where I think "aha! They get me. Like they get it." Idk. Like when I'm in the city/Portland I feel so much more "normal" and in my element. In other cities or my own town I rly struggle to find anyone to connect to. I have lots of acquaintances but not v many legit close friends. Idk. I struggle with it and it's hard not to take personally, like there's something wrong with me.

 

Well now I gotta pass my damn driver’s test bc I bought a car oops lmao why am I like this????? I just hate driving my moms big suv and finally found a decent car in my (small) budget so I said fuck it and just bought it. Now my anxiety is through the roof bc I’m hoping I made the right decision and feel even more pressure to pass the test ugh

 

I've been crazy anxious since late last night, enough I barely slept and sweat through my sheets lol, despite it being decently cool when i tried to go to bed. Started calming down today and now I find out power might be out all day tomorrow for my area which drove my anxiety right back up. sigh.

 

Have an "interview" tomorrow and one of the offices is actually down the street from my house (I'm still trying to move out tho). Its still in the same city as one of the low income apartments I'm trying to get. Not sure what their starting wage is but I may ask for 16? But if min wage goes up then I'd like at least $3 above min wage. I also don't know the insurance benefits. I def need medical because of my health issues. Guess I'll find out tomorrow

 

Good luck! I don’t comment much in this thread but I’m rooting like hell for ya!

 

Thanks! Got the job. I pretty much knew I was since theyre willing to train and my instructor gave me the info (she helps her students get jobs and lets them know of offices hiring willing to train). It was just a matter of if it seemed like a good fit. The doctor seems really nice and treats his employees really well

 

Figure I should come here and post instead of just briefly mentioning it in the entertainment forum, but today has just been really rough. Like in one sense it’s always rough because everything happening in the world is constantly weighing down on me and making me feel hopeless, but there were just a million little things that added up today to make it much worse than usual.

The biggest was that I found out a friend of mine died and no one really knows what happened and I feel so terrible for her and guilty because we had lost touch recently. It also brought up a ton of past trauma because in October 2012 my cousin died super suddenly and she was very similar in age and kind of lifestyle/personality to this woman.

That coupled with tons of smaller issues that might not normally hit me as hard but given how I already felt all piled up and made me feel completely numb and awful for the entire day. It almost feels like my head is wide open and my brain is just full of static and fizz.

I also never really posted much about it, but my grandmother died a couple months ago and it’s been a huge loss that I haven’t really been able to process and I think a lot of that grief is coming out now that I’m in a fragile headspace from everything else.

I probably should post in here more often to avoid ending up with a huge word dump when I’m in a low place, but oh well, it’s definitely not the first time I’ve kept something in until it fell out awkwardly.

 

Sorry for all your loss.


As for the news and the world, yeah--it's so fucking exhausting. Just try and take a break from it however you can, even if it's just a couple hours a day.

 

cool beans that my brain just doesn’t want to function today!

 

has anyone else felt like they've been in a month long rut or is that just me?