Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.
I feel like I’ve regressed so much mentally
Lmao okay so she told my boyfriend she did it because she felt a “weird vibe” from me the last time she saw me and decided it meant I secretly hate her. I literally had fucking food poisoning the last time I saw her and had to leave dinner early to go throw up a hundred times. I know it’s not my fault that people project their own issues on to me, but I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that I attract these black hole type of people who take and take from me and add nothing of value and aren’t good friends ever. Like I have literally done so much for this girl, been there for her through so much, and she dropped me because she made up a weird vibe once. What the hell.
Yeah, I totally get this.
I stay silent too whenever the subject of suicide comes up in any conversation. I don't know how to talk about it, because to me the thoughts are always there in the back of my mind, occasionally coming to the forefront at random moments throughout the day in relation to small things and big stressful stuff. For me to likely do it, it would have been with everything in my life coming to a head and me being completely done with everyhing to the point that it puts me past the one thing thats always held me back: putting my family through the pain. Too often i stand at the BART stops and contemplate what it would be like to just step off the platform when a train is coming.
you mentioning the leaving a clean place behind reminds me of a movie called Wristcutters where it starts off with him cleaning his apartment, making it spotless, and then killing himself. I dunno, just a random thought.
I think that's a great way to explain how it feels. For ppl who don't struggle with it I imagine they don't realize how exhausting it is to use coping skills and tools like 100x a day when those thoughts come up, sometimes triggered by something obvious and sometimes coming out of seemingly nowhere.
Posted this in chat thread too, but this was v relatable and interesting to watch. It's long but doesn't feel boring to me. Will Friedle talks a lot about his anxiety and panic attacks and how he had to restructure his entire life basically and how it impacted his career, and he's p insightful about how his money gave him that privilege to restructure his life. I didn't realize what a cool guy he is
When you posted it in the other thread, I immediately added it to my podcast queue to listen to. I always loved watching him in stuff growing up (Boy Meets World, HE double hockey sticks, and Kim Possible) and was already vaguely aware of his anxiety causing him to pivot to voice acting, i believe.
I hate being ugly. I have no friends. I hate being alone. Idk why i had to be born ugly. I can’t stand to look in the mirror or even at my body when I shower or dress. I’m so repulsed by the way I look. No one will ever love someone like me. It’s not possible. Why can’t I just get really sick and I can let myself die. I rather be dead than suffer thru life like this, and suffer alone. I don’t belong here. I don’t have a purpose. I’m just a waste of space.
Changed my bed sheet and pillowcases for the first time in an embarrassingly long time. Tiny victories, huh?
But a victory nonetheless!
I hope you're doing okay bb. I used to feel this way a lot, and often still do. I truly wish I had an answer for it. Some days I think I've improved my self esteem and it only takes like one unflattering pic of me or catching myself in bad lighting to have it all come tumbling down. Feels like every time I finally make peace with one "flaw" I find another to fixate on. I wish you well. It's easy to tell someone to be kind to themselves, but that's so difficult to actually do in practice
I feel this all the time (both the body image and feeling lonely) and you can hit me up if you ever want someone to talk to. No one should feel alone.
I pulled this off a couple weeks ago, now it's time for my towels haha.
I change my sheets once a month at most if I remember, to be fair it takes me like 20 minutes to put on a fitted sheet and it still falls off immediately in my sleep haha
Oh god, that would drive me nuts. I can't sleep if my sheets aren't on my bed perfectly.
I blocked pretty much everyone in my family except for my mom and my youngest sister on everything possible and I feel like things are finally starting to get a little better for once. I should have done this a long time ago instead of wasting so much time letting all of these people poison my life.
So I've been very depressed for a few weeks and trying to sound like I'm OK when I'm really just not. Unsure if I want to be alive anymore and everything seems fucking pointless. I can't get a job and recording a radio show every week is the only reason I leave my apartment. I find it so hard to get out of bed when I wake up and I can't find pleasure in anything.
Tonight I've been considering self-harming and I'm just gonna stay out drinking for want of something to do. Life seems bleak and empty & I don't know how much longer I can keep going or if I even want to.
I've never really been very vocal, either online or irl, about how down I'm feeling due to my personal circumstances. Sometimes I've found it had to get around anywhere that isn't my kitchen and then its straight back to bed. I've always put on a face of a confident young guy who is outspoken and funny but, as you've probably guessed, that's a wall that needed a hammer taken to it.
Recently, my family and girlfriend gave me a bit of tough love. Just in regards to my behaviour and attitude to life and it really hit home. There was no malice or bad intent but it genuinely has given me a new outlook. I'm 30 on the 10th of September and really need my life in order. I've managed to just get out of bed and go and do things without worrying where some form of depression or anxiety is taking me and, if I stick to it, it's a start.
Guess I just wanted to post a positive result recently.
I wish I had someone I could talk to. I'm 30 and still dealing with self harm (which I feel is for teens) and I have other things that make me feel shitty.
I've been there and I'm still there.
The only advice I have is to exercise if you don't all ready. I'm sure you have heard that a million times and it may not be helpful but it's all I got.
Idk how to articulate it but I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Like I've been doing a lot of listening and learning and self reflection and maybe my mindset is finally changing and maybe that will finally give me the motivation to change something for the better. Most of my problems are self inflicted. Nobody else puts me in this box except for me. I am the only one limiting myself and my life at this point. Like I'm getting the thought process down and now I need to learn how to direct that into positive change.
Its really hard to function daily when you don't have a life worth living. I wake up and cry for how ugly I am, how lonely I am, how unwanted I am. How I'll never be happy again. For many years I always wonder why I got put on this earth to suffer. I don't want to suffer anymore.
The book I'm reading posed the question: "would you rather be right all the time or happy?" At first I was like psssh I can be both!! But the more I dwell the more I realize the accuracy. I like to think I can acknowledge when I make a mistake or am wrong, but for situations where someone is yelling at me for something that isn't my fault I get so heated because I need them to know they're wrong. I overthink it to death and it leads to nothing but anxiety and misery. I need to learn how to let that go or figure out how to cope with it. I admit that the need to be right interferes with my happiness sometimes but idk how to transform that into action or meaningful change.
It's really fun how seeing a picture of myself just really ruins my mood. I fucking hate looking at myself and it embarrasses me that that's how i look to people.
Ugh saaaame. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like "wait.... Is this what I look like?? Omg I'm gonna look like this forever like this is just my appearance?!" Like I'm in denial but something will remind me what I look like and I'm like nooooo I want to have the face of a beautiful model or celeb why do I have to look this way?? And then I feel shallow and then guilty for feeling shallow. And then I feel like I'm being a sketch feminist or something. It's a harmful cycle for sure.