Mental Health Thread • Page 278

Struggling pretty bad today. Feeling like I'll never be enough. All my life I felt so repulsive. Didn't help that no one wanted to be near me, and I constantly got called ugly and other names. i can't stand looking at myself and i avoid mirrors. Feeling too ugly to love

 

Yeah I struggle to articulate it. I know mental health issues present in a variety of different ways. Most people are surprised when I say I have anxiety so I guess I can "pass" pretty well, altho ppl who are perceptive tend to notice. I think in the end it would just be nice to feel validated or normal in that sense, since many ppl I try to discuss it with irl can't relate to how debilitating and frustrating anxiety can be in daily life

 

My work is super fucked up.
I'm always stressed.
I'm always restless and exhausted.
My grandfather died and I couldn't go to the funeral because someone had to stay behind with my brother in case something happens to him because his health is really bad now and it's not looking good.
My aunt fucking snubbed and insulted my mom and my dad at my grandfather's funeral. (Grandfather on my dad's side.)
Two family friends died in the past two months.

It's a depression I've never experienced before. I feel like I'm just a cassette that's playing but being constantly unspooled. I don't know if I have another run in me.

 

I'm at the point where I'm regretting waking up every morning. The only thing I look forward to is going to work. Which I guess is good because I genuinely love my job, but everything else tends to stress me out and makes me feel miserable.

 

for anyone who has been on and/or off zoloft: i wasn't really taking it regularly for the past couple months and was wondering how the side effects might be when i take it regularly again. i've been so shitty with taking my meds idek if they're working. its so hard for me to judge how i'm really doing.

 

As somebody with experience with a vast amount of meds - if you're not taking it regularly, it's not going to work its most efficiently. Can't tell you how many people I saw in treatments I was attending over the years who were there because they stopped meds/didn't manage them properly (myself included). It takes time to build up in your body and work. I can't speak to side effects because those are different for everybody, but you'll never actually know if the meds work if you don't take them consistently as prescribed for (usually) at least a month.

I'm not a doctor though and I really urge you to talk to your psychiatrist about this, because meds aren't something to mess around with.

 

Yeah, I'm seeing my doc tomorrow.

 

I think I am maybe having an anxiety attack

 

How are you doing now?

 

Better now, thanks! A big part of it was work which I really need to work on changing. Was starting to feel a little helpless. @K0ta messaged me bc she's the best and that helped

 

my whole body hurts. I want out i'm over this.

 

dark night of the soul my ass I want fucking sun

 

The original phrase is shit. I like this better.

 

I fear this is going to sound so privileged and ridiculous idek. But there is a part of me that legit sometimes wishes I could have all choices and sense of responsibility taken away from me. Which having Independence and free will is a huge deal. I get that. But ngl sometimes just for like a week I want to be committed so all I have to do is get up, eat, sleep, etc and have nobody rely on me for anything. I'm just so exhausted. I give all of my time, energy, and emotion towards others and don't often have much left for myself. Which is fine. They need it. But I'm tired and run down and I'm getting sick and all I've had today is two muffins and three large cups of black tea and im just going thru the motions of being a person rn. Of course I'm getting sick because I'm tired and stressed and lacking proper nutrition. I open my apartment door and am greeted with piles of laundry and dirty dishes. I open the fridge and it's full of moldy food which just reminds me of the high hopes I had to like cook and eat and be a functioning person that didn't pan out. It's all overwhelming and defeating.


This weekend will be a good one so I'm looking forward to that, but it is going to be a struggle to get there, espesh knowing I'm going to come back to it.

 

As a follow up, anytime one of the Kardashians try to brag about how hard they work or when those lil nepotism celebs say they had to work tirelessly and twice as hard as everyone else, I want to laugh maniacally. I will create a reality show where they actually have to be in the trenches and we'll see how they fair!!! They'll see! They'll all see!

 

sometimes I have a dream scenario of being in like the Hunger Games or The Giver where I have one gray jumpsuit that's given to me and I'm told to harvest grain or whatever so I don't have to make any decisions because decision making is stressful
I know how privileged that is too

 

I want all my meals to be contained in a single pill so I don't have to think about food and I can go about neglecting my other parts of my life with increased fervor.

 

Ugh saaaame. Like sometimes I wish I could just work in a cute independent bookstore but that's privileged too. It's like Michelle Williams saying she'd quit acting and become a laundress. It's privileged bs. I know it is. Instead of being stressed with responsibility I'd be stressed about finances which is a lot more grueling (and lbr any job interacting with humans is gonna suck to some degree anyway). But I know it's the lack of responsibility I want. My fave time ever was when I worked part time and lived at home and went to community college so I had no loans yet. All I paid was car insurance and gas. Rest of my income was disposable. I feel so tied down now with debt and rent and having an emotionally exhausting job. The few times I get a break or a weekend I'm still stressing and can't fully disconnect.

tl;dr all the sitcoms lied to me and gave me unrealistic expectations!!!

 

If I actually made a decent salary I'd totally hire someone to keep my house clean and make my meals, or at the least have them prepare them so I just have to heat them up. I cant even be bothered to shower the last few days let alone clean out my fridge or make a nutritious meal. Heavy siiiigh

 

spending time with my parents on a less frequent basis has made me realize things when i do end up getting to be around them, especially as ive gotten older. one thing is that ive inherited my most toxic and ugly personality traits directly from them. another is that i was almost definitely emotionally abused growing up. at 27 they are still fucking exhausting and it feels like everyones one bad reaction away from a meltdown

 

I feel all of this so hard, except I’ve realized all these things on top of being stuck in a house with them. Every one of my traits about myself that I don’t like can be traced back to them. My people pleasing/passive aggressive nature from my mom, my laziness and emotional unavailability from my dad. They also blatantly don’t like each other, but never even acknowledge it. Even when they’re in a “good” mood I get physically uncomfortable being around them because it all feels so fake

 

Feel free to PM me for anything, but please do not sporadically take, or occasionally take SSRI's. It generally will take 4-8 weeks of constant dosage (or increasing in linear segments) to get to the desired effect. If you're not doing that you shouldn't be taking it. Only take it under the supervision/direction of medical professional.

I'm a biologist who has panic disorder so I feel like I can speak both languages a little bit. Hope you get things figured out. Again, please PM if you have any specific questions you don't want to ask in the forums.

 

I'm tired of existing.

 

I realized that last message could construed as me wanting to commit suicide, but I want everyone to know that I'm not going to do anything to harm myself. I'm just very severely depressed right now. I haven't been able to stop crying for like the last half hour or so.

 

Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I don’t see your last post that way, since I feel that way nearly all the time. I hope things improve for you and my inbox is always open if you need to vent.