Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.
No need to thank anyone. It's always good to be able to pick yourself up when you're down. It's okay if you need a little help, there's nothing wrong with that, but the fact you've admitted you're not ok is a great start. Now you can work on being happy for yourself.
@PeacefulOrca sorry to hear, feel free to pm me if you want to talk
Anyone else with bipolar and/or prone to panic attacks? Both for me here...on the verge of a panic attack at the office. Ughhh.
I heard back from one of the companies I applied to at the job fair a couple weeks ago. I went in for an interview and it felt really good. First company to respond to me in months. I’ve applied to at least 80 jobs at this point. Interview went well and they said they’d call me to follow up. Got the call today. I didn’t get the job. I’m just sitting in a grocery store parking lot right now crying my eyes out and feeling so fucking lost.
Hurt a good friend today because I'm a fucking idiot.
Sorry to hear that. Job hunting is so soul sucking. At least you got the interview. It's a step forward as you're interesting to companies. I know all too well what you're feeling and wish you nothing but the best!
I feel very close to whole these days. What a wonderful, joyous feeling it is. I'm getting closer to the "end" of my transition, to the point where I can just live my life. I'm getting closer to "now what?" instead of "gotta get my next therapy letter for insurance purposes."
Gina and I talked briefly tonight, for the first time in a while, about having children. We always knew we'd need "outside help" so that isn't the issue. The issue is the money involved in making and raising a kid in the south SF bay area...and the "timeline" as she called it...she's getting a BSN, then plans to use it for a while. So I'm going to be an older father, possibly 40 by the time we get there. Same age as her dad when she was born, so she had feelings there.
I mention that convo because like I said, I realized I'm so close to being able to focus on anything other than that next surgery. Like learning a trade, or fatherhood...to just be me in the world, whole, for the first time. It's sort of like life reset a breaker and I'm starting fresh right now. I don't care if I'm a first-time dad at 40. I'm gonna just be so excited to be there, living authentic and right.
Plus I'm going to be the first person to live to 150, so
doing that thing where i obsessively read about climate change and spiral ayyyyyyy
@atlas i can’t recommend putting a limit on depressing news you consume per day enough
it’s helped me a lot
oh I know, I'm usually pretty good about moderating that these days. fell down a rabbit hole though and now i gotta climb myself out. it's hard when everything feels pointless
My dad passed away when I was 9 months and he was 20. Fathers Day is always weird for me emotionally. I’m doing ok this time.
Oh wow, man, I'm so sorry to hear that. Here for you.
I gotta wait like two or three weeks before I get a new PCP and I have nine pills left. What's the best course of action? Can i get refilled with an out of state insurance card/without insurance?
I'm leaning so hard into my sitcoms/media for comfort that I'm turning into an irl Abed from Community.
Not sure about out of state insurance stuff, but at the very least if you have a valid rx you should be able to pay cash (and maybe use a goodrx coupon) and not bother with insurance. Or hoard your pills and go every other day. Or if you take wellbutrin xl/zoloft pm me ha
I still need to book my ticket for my trip to western NY. I'm putting it off. My brother is back to drinking. My Father's Day phone call with my dad was mostly him slurring his words and me talking to my mom.
She was all good, but the bottom line is my family members are some of my worst drinking triggers. They like drinking. Fuck, they love drinking. And it's my family so I feel safe with them, particularly if I choose to join the festivities (just speaking from experience). I AM safe if I decide to join in. My family enables with the best of them.
I know I'm bringing a couple cannabis vape carts with me. I know that I made it through last year's trip without issue. I know I got this. I cannot wait to see my extended family at this wedding reception. Same as last year. But god damn does it suck that the three people who would literally die for me also trigger an undeniable urge to participate in destructive behavior.
Dad was slurring his words and was 10 seconds behind the conversation, but both he and mom got my name and pronouns right the entire call. He's already an emotional guy, not afraid to show his feelings, and multiply that by 9000 when he's been drinking. He told me how he's really been making an effort to get that stuff right, and when people ask about his daughter he's straightforward with them that he (now) has two sons.
I know I am privileged in this regard, having supportive family and an entirely supportive (outwardly heh) extended family too.
Anyway I'm typing this all out on my phone avoiding booking that ticket lol
is this spam
getting harder and harder to tell
so fucking frustrated. life is so good in most areas but i just dont feel that way. i am once again in a situation at work where i am being punished for being efficient and capable by being saddled with extra responsibilities for no extra pay. someone 7 salary grades above me just left her position and i have absorbed all of her duties until "they can fill the position". which in NY's ancient civil service system could easily take in the neighborhood of six months to over a year. until then im drowning in work i should be making 50% more for. my union, like all unions ive been apart of, does not help hard workers get their due, it just protects lazy workers from being terminated.
i hate it. im up at 5, out the door at 6, then by the time im done at the gym I'm home at 6:30, have to cook clean and whatever else, then by the time i hit the couch i get like one or two hours tops before i have to head towards bed. weekends are loaded with commitments i cant ignore or bail on. money is so tight because of it, so many weddings and graduations and whatever. i dont enjoy anything right now. i can't listen to music or podcasts for some reason. when im home I just stare at the tv at whatever my gf is watching and try my best to be present for her as she is perfect but i just want to fucking scream at someone.
i hate that this is how summer feels right now. i needed it for so long and now its here and im just checked out.
My dad is an alcoholic/drug addict and I know how it feels to hear that slurring in his voice so hard. If you ever want to talk please dm me.
having one of those days that felt good and positive at the time but now I am dwelling and getting anxious and stressing and turning it into a negative. I guess I don't know how to have the confidence to stand by my decisions and not care what others think. at the time I didn't care, but now I'm letting it get to me. Now that I'm home alone and have nothing to do but dwell and think. I don't know how to brush it off. I don't think I did anything wrong and it's their issue not mine, but I get insecure and feel like I need to fix or change something even though it's not on me.
Srsly I managed to have a good positive day and then let my brain talk me out of it until I'm convinced the day was awful.
Been feeling down for most of the day. I can swing up and down at the drop of a hat. Started today out shitty, it was OK in the afternoon, and then down again in the evening after feeling like I fucked up something at work. Someone much higher up the food chain asked for my assistance on a project due to my background and they sent over a timeline that's honestly not very difficult to work within and wanted my feedback. I asked for the first bit to be pushed back and got approval, but she didn't use any exclamation points (like "it's fine!") so I was like well shit, she's disappointed in me right as my year review is coming up. Then realized I didn't need the delay as I was reading too much into what was needed and because I couldn't stop obsessing over it I just pretty much did it at home all in one go. For probably no real reason. Fuck my stupid brain.
I realize this is simplistic, but you are allowed to say no to weddings and graduations (and most anything, really). The folks hearing no will survive. Self-care sometimes means being "selfish"
Thank you, I really appreciate that, and the same goes for you. It's Lisa, yeah? I'm Silas, nice to meet you in an internet kinda way :)
It's sad because he knows he has a problem (like we've specifically talked about our issues with alcohol), but he's 63...as of today, the 20th...and I think his impending mortality has been setting in for a while, so he just doesn't give a shit anymore. He just wants to "enjoy" the time he has left, if that makes sense.
Anyway woo going home to visit the fam in 3 weeks lolol
Felt more manageable the last week until today. Mood just plummeted again.
I just can't see how I can accomplish anything. Stupid brain always gets in the way. Then I hate myself for it and then the anxiety overwhelms me which means I get worse and less motivated with even less energy. Vicious cycle.
My parents are saints for putting up with me but I feel like such a massive let down.