Mental Health Thread • Page 260

Oh my God. This x1000.

 

I really feel like shutting down today.

it's like a fog over my brain. My mind is heavy and my eyes feel so tired. I need to get outside and go for a walk or something.

 

I think eating something today would help haha unfortunately i have no appetite

 

I get like that too. I go for a walk, or even a hot shower can sometimes help get me out of that funk.

 

Go walk Sterling

 

he's at daycare and I'm at work

 

feeling aimless and worthless

 

I seriously just want to start sobbing forever. Every year I get a pap smear and it's the worst but it's always free or at most like $20. I went in January and just got a bill for $285. It says I was in network but that the insurance didn't cover any of it. This is a new insurance but like wtf??? I just want to cry. I just paid my eye doctor like $500 and then spent another couple hundred for new tires after mine popped, and then I just paid off two other doctor bills. I'm going to call tomorrow but if this is like just a thing now idek what to do. I have to go yearly for my birth control. I know there was that law that passed which said your pharmacy could prescribe it or whatever but last time I looked into it they were like oop sorry nobody here is trained for that!! If I don't get my birth control I have such unbearable periods I'm immobilized for days and miss work and am in so much pain but I can't afford it if they're gonna start making me pay that.

This has just been the worst day that keeps getting worse.

 

Sometimes it feels like there is just no hope for me to ever achieve true happiness. I feel the constant numbness of depression. Every single day, getting out of bed takes a lot of effort on my part. It's been years since I've really actually felt good. Even when I had times I felt good, I've had clinical depression since before even then. It feels like this mental illness, if it does not kill me, will keep me from ever being happy.

 

Perpetually lonely.

 

I really wish most of my family would just leave me the fuck alone and stop trying to uproot my life again when I've been trying so fucking hard to turn everything around. It feels like no one fucking gives a shit about how any of this makes me feel.

 

you don't get to just tell me you love me after everything you've done

 

Been largely doing better, presumably helped by being on medication which got upped a little; but definitely feel on the downswing the last couple days. Was supposed to see Us on Saturday but don't feel like leaving my apartment, which is frustrating me. Swapped my ticket for the same time on Sunday, hoping I can just find a way to mentally gather myself back up on Saturday, enough to leave to see a movie I've been really excited to see.

 

Did Trump kill the preventive care thing? Wtf that shouldn't be more than a small copay

 

Idk my therapist said maybe I didn't meet my deductible yet or whatever but it's never been an issue before. My last insurance they were free and then they'd reimburse me $50 for going if I filled out a thing because it was preventative, and that insurance was garbage. I keep forgetting to call insurance about this tho

 

It's fucking destroying me knowing that my dad is guilty of some pretty shitty things, because now I know that everyone has been lying to me.

 

My dad has some things going on and he won't be honest with me about what it is; my sister and I have been calling to check up on him and he sounds so weak, says he's not eating and dealing with some mental problems but says to not worry about him and that he'll get through it...makes me feel fucking 16 again, amazing how my mental health can still be tied so directly to how well or not he is doing. Like, I won't collapse like when I was younger, I'll deal with it, but the anxiety and nausea will just be this pervasive thing cause ultimately the same fear persists that has persisted for 15 years - my fear that he will die, and die quite alone and we won't even know. My uncle dropped dead from a heart attack 2 years ago, that same year my dad had a heart attack. His history of drug and alcohol abuse does not make him a healthy person. It's actually amazing that he's still alive given that I've seen him overdose more than once.

The word "unfair" seems really petty but it just feels like this desperation to have a normal fucking parent. Haven't we done this long enough? Can't we just live the rest of this time out without this looming misery? I thought I had accepted this was the way it was but I don't think I truly ever will.

 

I really need to stop doubting myself. Sometimes it's all I think about.

 

the more I learn about the new you, the more I wish I’d never even met you

 

I've been really depressed lately and today it hit a new low.

This past august I decided to quit my terrible job as a service advisor at a Honda dealership and go back to school for journalism. I decided I would rather put myself into massive debt and pursue the opportunity to work in a field I'm passionate about instead of stay at my safe job that makes me hate life. I'm 29 so I took a job as a runner at a different dealership so I could support myself and pay rent and whatnot. The manager knew me from the Honda dealership so I was essentially handed the job. Shortly after taking the job most of the other runners quit, leaving just me and one other runner who would literally hide to avoid working. I complained to the manager that I was doing practically all the work and she said she would handle it. She never did.

I left the dealership and took a job working at a liquor store, where I agreed to take a pay cut but was told I would be getting 35 hours a week. Not only did that not happen, my hours dropped when corporate gave us a new manager. Also a new employee was hired and he was basically put into the same situation. I was blatantly lied to. Two friends of mine told me to apply at their jobs because I would probably get hired. One of them was a restaurant, where two managers told me they would call and set up and interview and then never did. I did find a new job recently but it hasn't started yet, and I've had to dig into my savings which is extremely stressful for me.

This morning is when I hit a new low. I told my girlfriend that I was going to go to the gym later and she said, "Really? Are you really? Are you actually going to go?" in a very rude and condescending way. It made me realize that she seems to be more caring, encouraging, and empathetic to almost everyone except me. One night I came home from the liquor store and I just needed to vent. She said I should "just suck it up because you'll always have a shitty job and you'll never be happy."

I haven't been able to let that go. I don't know what to do.

 

conditioning 101

don't let other people decide who you are

 

I wonder what it's like not to think "I wanna die" like twelve times a day.

On the plus side I got my Prozac dosage upped

 

I really want to post something because I want to see if anyone has been in the same situation as I currently am in right now, but I feel like people are just going to be rude and hateful.

I’m part of a social media page where people usually post anonymously and the people who have been in my situation usually get hate thrown at them for doing the right thing

 

I got out of bed and took a shower today so I've done more than yesterday but ugh bot motivated to do anything else. It's a lovely weekend all warm with the sun out and I know I'd feel better if I left my apartment espesh cause it's gonna be rainy all next week, but mehh

 

My bff is pregnant and in typical "me" fashion I have to make it about myself

It's just bizarre. At 26 nearly all my friends and family have children. I think I have one left now that isn't? And it's completely selfish but I get bummed cause I no longer have any friends where I can be like "hey let's impulsively drive to the city for a show" or even like a way lesser thing like "let's hang out and watch movies" because it turns into a big ordeal with arranging babysitters and schedules. And like I'm happy for them but it's just being in different phases of life. This is the one friend where we'd joke about everyone else getting married and having kids. Like I feel as if I'm finally in a life stage where I can afford to do fun stuff once in a while but now I have nobody else to do it with because everyone has kids and is either broke or busy cause of it. Idk. Growing pains.