Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.
Hope you're feeling okay now. All the love and vent here whenever you need
Feel like I've made this post before, but whatever. I'm a member of a bunch of phalloplasty groups on FB and I'm glad I'm in them, but so many guys have complications. Actually pretty much every guy has some kind of issue. Everything from bladder spasms/catheter pain to spots that won't heal to even complete loss of bowel control (that one is a super rare one but it can happen). There's a 1 in 3 chance of developing a fistula or stricture. Even without complications I can expect painful urination, hand/arm rehab, etc. The "normal" stuff that comes from this surgery recovery.
Therapist is like "can't worry about it, can't look at it like that, doesn't mean you'll have any issues" etc but I am essentially renovating the entire house here and I don't think I'll ever be fully prepared for what that truly entails. I have a "perfectly good" body that I'm going to willingly change in a major, traumatic way and I wish I could just be happy with what I have now.
Need to get out of this dark funk.
Hm, is it possible that only people with issues are outspoken about it? Perhaps people with no issues don't really bring it to attention? Maybe gauging off those FB groups isn't the best way to generate the chance of you having a complication, just something to consider.
Been mega stressed about my health this week. Tiny little symptoms that could add up to me having fucked myself up, coupled with stress and anxiety about what each little fucking thing could possibly mean. My stomach is all fucked up today and could be another new symptom or just my anxiety/stress reaching a fever pitch as I try to hold myself together. Should see a doctor, but that is a whole other level of terrifying and I'm just so fucking exhausted from this. Fuck.
My life feels completely pointless and I really don't want to do this anymore.
I relate to this 100% but at the same time, what I would say to you is...what "pointless" means is literally up to us. Giving it "a point" is up to us what that means. I'm probably not explaining well but...like you can decide the "point" of your life is to experience happiness, and that can be as simple as watching an old feel good show (shout out to your avi). And sometimes, that's enough.
Sometimes thinking of it like that helps me get through days. even if the whole 'point' of that day was to laugh at dumb jokes on the internet all day. Etc etc
My thoughts always go to worst-case-scenario. Always. Eg. Friend doesn't text back after 5 minutes..."they hate me" or phone bill is a day overdue, credit rating is fucked for life. These are just example but it's pretty much with every fucking negative thought I have, it just spirals.
Any advice on how to get out of this awful cycle? It causes me so much mental anguish. :(
I'm a fucking wreck because my cat has been missing for days and it's snowing and cold and I'm so fucking worried and I'm doing everything I possibly can and I hope maybe someone on my street took her in because of the cold but I'm still always worried about the worst case scenario i just want her to come back and I can't stop worrying like it's been hard even getting out of bed and I kept having panic attacks at work the other day because I couldn't stop worrying and it sucks and I hate it and I'm just so fucking miserable because this cat is basically my world and I just can't do this right now
If this all comes across like a stream of consciousness or something it's because I cannot for the life of me hold back on how badly this is affecting me so I'm sorry if this is hard for anyone to read or whatever but I am just trying my best to stay calm and hope for the best
any time your brain jumps to the worst, stop and think "am I confusing a thought with a fact? what is the evidence that this thought is true? if I had a friend come to me saying 'so and so didn't answer my text they must hate me!' what would I say to them?"
if your brain's first response to go straight for the worst case scenario it takes some work to get it to not do that anymore. all you can do is try to combat these thoughts rather than dwell on them. hope this helps.
Tw: suicide, sucidial ideation
I’m not sure if this Zoloft is making it worst or if it’s just not gotten better but man I feel so sad and alone and I can stop thinking about how if I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t be feeling any of this. Maybe if I tried, people would know that I’m serious and maybe they would give a shit. I won’t and I don’t have any actual plans but I’m scared and at the end of my rope. I haven’t seen anyone else besides the family I live with since the 5th of January and there’s a show tonight I can go to, I know some people that I like will be there, and this person that lives in a Texas will also be there and idk when I’ll have the chance to meet her so I’m sort of obligated to go butttttt I might not. I don’t want to bum anyone out, or overreact to something and cause a scene or whatever. This is so hard.
Honestly, practice. All or nothing/worst case thinking is a tough cognitive distortion to break. I've been working on it for a long time. Gotta recognize when you're doing it and keep reminding yourself that it's not true
This weekend was rough af. Depression just all up in my business. This is just not how I expected life to go. I thought I would be normal I guess going down a normal life path. Didn't think I'd end up weird and warped and traumatized and hiding. I thought things would be different. the worst part is that all those negative forces are winning. In the movies someone sees through it all and sees you and it ends up being ok but in reality that doesn't happen and you just turn into an introverted loner who fades away.
Thanks for your advice and tips guys. Slowly working on flipping the switch as soon as I recognise overthinking.
Essentially, straightaway turning the thought into something along the lines of "this is just a thought, not reality." "This scenario only exists in my mind and nowhere else." and "There is no fact whatsoever about this scenario."
Just gotta keep practising. Cheers guys. Love to you all.
My ex's father is going to die. Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. he's got 3-6 months to live.
Lots of drama in that family the last 5-6 years. My ex isn't going to say goodbye to his father. He's going to regret that.
And of course I cannot reach out to him or interfere with his life because his wife is a bat shit crazy control freak. So I spent a good part of last night crying (I have the worlds most understanding and tolerant fiance on earth). My big stupid heart breaks for my ex right now because I know deep down in his soul, he's falling apart.
and I can't do anything about it.
Got a letter in the mail from my shrink. She's started her own practice. So maybe I can go see her for refills instead of finding a 4th psychiatrist in 2 years
I am so sorry to hear about your cat. Try not to give up hope, cats are good at adapting to outdoors and knowing how to find shelter/food/safety. My cat got out a few months back and didn't come home for 4 1/2 weeks. It was a horrible month of non-stop worrying and crying but he returned and is back home. Just keep looking, check with local shelters, the app NextDoor is a good place to look or post about missing animals, maybe even put up some flyers.
I turn 26 next month. I have to go off my mother's insurance and go onto my school's plan. My school's plan is a more rare one that not as many psychiatrists take, including my current one. I have to switch psychiatrists just as I finally started a new medication. This sucks. And I'm so stressed in general.
Hopefully your doctor can point you to someone they know that does take your new insurance. I would ask, get all the help you can get so this isn't as stressful. I've been there and I know how scary it can be.
Thanks, one issue is he was already a last resort (not that he wasn't a good psychiatrist) in my home state as they have a serious shortage of psychiatrists, so I'm looking in the state I go to school in. The Psychology Today psychiatrist search has been helpful but it only found three who take my school's insurance, which isn't many. I'd like to have more options. I wish healthcare in America was much better than it currently is, that would eliminate like 50% of my stress.
Its ridiculous how we have to jump through hoops of fire just to human every single fucking day. And the system just doesn't give a shit until it is too late.
I hope you can get the help you need! I'm always here to talk!
I've been doing pretty much all of that to no success (yet), but I'm still holding onto that sliver of hope that she's okay, however small the chance is.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That is the worst feeling not knowing. Sending you all my good vibes for safe kitty return.
Affirmations are helping. The more I repeat to myself that I'm overthinking and the scenario only exists in my mind, the quicker it goes away and I'm able to focus elsewhere.
Thanks guys for your help. I can always rely on this site to keep me grounded.
Things are not going well.
By all accounts they should be but they are not.