Mental Health Thread • Page 255

Just downloaded a med management app and it's already a lifechanger. I went from just taking bc so one pill for years, to doing a trial and error with various depression/anxiety meds and then supplements and I am the worst at remembering. Sets an alarm to remind me and I can check off if I've taken it already, which is the hardest part for me. My days blur so I get super confused with what I've already taken. But I don't rly feel I have enough pills for one of those days of the week things.

Still feel like depressed garbage all the time so thats fun. Then all the guilt and shame for not going to the gym or eating enough or even like practicing basic hygiene and showering. I know this is like way tmi and disgusting but I went to the gym and was on my period and still didn't shower for like a week. I used baby wipes and deodorant and lotion and stuff but every day I woke up with so much shame and guilt and embarrassment and that just made my depression worse. My house is a mess and I'm just so miserable. Then I feel extra guilt cause it's like my job to judge people who do these things when I'm no better myself in some ways.

 

Update: I have refills for all my meds. This doctor, so good, love her

Can't decide what to do about work and surgery. I need to cut my hours by a lot, like 11 hours a week, or I'm gonna make too much money to stay on Medi-cal. I need to stay on Medi-cal until May 7. After that whatever

 

Do people have things that make them feel better with depression? Like random little things?

Lately mine are BuzzFeed Unsolved and Shane Madej in general like idek honestly lol but he's been such a good distraction, tea, and Better Oblivion Community Center. Rly hope they figure out the tour/ticket situation. Those are kinda the only things eliciting any emotion or any shred of happiness lately.

 

Right now, I manage to distract myself and amuse myself with this silly Netflix show called Instant Hotel.

However, it won't work forever (in addition to running out of episodes) and I'll have to find something else to fixate on to keep my mind of things.

 

I'm not sure if there are any particular shows or stuff because even with something like The Good Place which I love and makes me happy I get distracted sometimes

for me it's thinking of things I have to look forward to and kinda forcing myself to always have at least one thing on the calendar

 

Yeah that's a good idea. I have some concerts lined up which is exciting but it always feels so far away! I think I need to start doing one thing a month, even if it's just something small to look forward to.

 

I pour myself into creativity. Writing or playing music. Going to shows is always good, as is reading. I'm an escapist junkie, basically.

 

Have a meeting w my boss today to tell him how the new office buillding is making me sick, hoping to request to work from home. Really scared, anxious and depressed. I really don't want to and can't lose this job.

 

Update - that meeting went really well. Huge relief, I'm so glad to finally have it over with.

The "new" building (aka we moved to a smaller, older place) just straight up makes my lungs hurt and makes me dizzy, confused, and exhausted. It just wasn't working for me. I hate to not be "normal" and have such a weird autoimmune disorder that nobody tends to understand. I'm so grateful my boss seemed to get it.

He said I can work from home full time now. Even said he selfishly wants to keep me on our project because the team loves having me but that he fully understands if it becomes depressing for me to work alone without in-person, human interaction, and would be open to helping me find a different job in another group at one of our other offices after a few months of trying this out.

I wish I addressed this a lot sooner. I was in a really dark place. I wasn't full-on suicidal or anything.. but there were nights in bed where I felt so short of breath that I'd think "If I just drifted off to sleep right now, stopped breathing, and never woke up, I would be totally ok with it." It was a really scary thought to have for so long.. never told anyone about it. But I'm feeling like I'm in a much better place now. I really need to find a new therapist that my new insurance will cover.

 

That must be a HUGE relief, happy it worked out for you Ryan, that's some massively important stuff to address.

 

Thank you SO much, it really means the world to me to even have other people excited for me. I've felt really alone for awhile now, and it feels like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders :).

Still feeling nervous for when my coworkers ask me where I am, or what will happen as word makes its way up to my director and other upper management (I work for a very large company), but I made the biggest step in the right direction and I'll take things one step at a time from here

 

I mean one option if your co-workers ask is to be transparent with them. It sounds like you suffer from something that can be detrimental to your health, they will understand and support your decision, you seem to be valued at your work.

 

Yeah, I think you're right, that it's the best thing for me to do. If I'm vague and mysterious about my disappearance, that just gives more room for judgemental opinions like "why the hell is he working from home when he only has a 15 minute commute!?" Heh.

 

In a professional environment people are much more understanding, I couldn't even comprehend anyone reacting negatively to you informing them about your situation.

 

A year ago I got fired from a job where I was unhappy, then I took another job that I really hated and a month ago I got fired from there. It's been a really stressful month with moving and looking for a job and every rejection makes me feel like I have no discernable professional or social skills and just generally without any value. And I want to have a social life but I have no idea where to start and I don't really feel good about myself overall.

Anyway I need to get things sorted out and get back on track. I wish I had some guidance on that or a sense that things are going to be ok

 

I wrote about this earlier but I deleted it because I didn't like how I explained it but I'm freaking out again

College just isn't kind to mentally ill people lmao I literally have no clue what to do in my current situation, I have never been this financially/academically fucked and nobody at the school is helping me and I can't see my therapist anymore because she stopped taking all insurance and I lose my insurance this month anyway and have to start paying my psychiatrist out of pocket since he's still making medication adjustments

I don't know who to turn to for help because I don't know if anyone CAN help me or if my mental illness/physical illness just really fucking ruined my life this time and I know I'm being dramatic but that's how it feels

Basically though I e-mailed my financial adviser telling her my psychiatrist said he'd write a note explaining why a person who recent experienced a mixed bipolar episode and was currently depressed shouldn't take 5 classes at once and her response was literally JUST "please check your account, you have lost your scholarship" and now I owe the school $8,000 I can't afford and I'm pretty sure that means I can't continue attending nor can I transfer anywhere else until I pay that off

Also I'm severely depressed but I don't think they'll let me do a leave of absence

Going to this school while I hadn't gotten my health straightened out was a huge mistake

 

I got a new job that is like 100x times better than my old job and yet right now I’m still feeling eh on it.

I don’t even know why but I start to not focus on work at all and my production numbers go down which can lead to getting in trouble.

 

Shopping for therapists online when I have a million diagnoses is fun because I have to go through the list of issues they treat and make sure they all treat every single one I have or at least most of them, and the list seems like it just keeps growing.

 

Last week has been awful

Basically realized that I can’t afford to buy the house I was so excited about. Even with my girlfriend helping with the mortgage I still would have no room to breathe.
She’s upset because she really wants to get a place of our own that’s not a rental or small apartment. I get it. I’m upset too.

I just feel like a complete letdown in all aspects of life lately.

I don’t know how to make anyone happy.
This whole week I’ve just been down on myself and it’s scrwing up my relationship with how self loathing I’ve been. I’m at the point where I’m terrified that she’s just going to leave because I’m too much to deal with when I get like this.

I’m just exhausted with myself. I’m tired of struggling to survive on top of struggling to deal with my mind.

 

Feeling better today...my adviser said if I do an involuntary medical withdrawal they won't charge me. Clearly the scholarship is too much pressure for me on top of health/mental health issues so I could see what kind of aid they give me without it for next term. If it's not enough aid I'll probably just go back to taking classes online at my old school since I could afford that. Not ideal and I am disappointed but it's better than I thought it would be.

 

My health freakout is over. I finally visited a doctor for the first time in a very long time. Got test results tonight and the issue I was worried about I don't have.

I don't even know how to feel right now. Been so wound tight over this for the past three weeks that some of the symptoms might have literally just been from that.

Oh, and I'm also now on anti-anxiety meds. So hopefully that helps me there.

 

I wish I could even pretend to fit in sometimes. Can't fake it til you make it if you can't even convincingly pretend you're a normal human.

 

I'm not sure why, but my brain decided to get triggered really hard today and I collapsed into an anxious mess. I don't feel safe in my home, i don't feel safe with my partner, i don't feel like i have a home or anyone to talk to. None of that should be true, but I'm really paranoid. Its almost like there are three different voices of negative screaming at me in my head.

 

I relate to this hard. I was just thinking about how I don't feel like a real person and can't engage with people.

And then I wonder if maybe nothing is wrong with me and I just overthink everything

Or maybe it's circumstantial and I just need to get a job and then I can make friends and things will be better