Mental Health Thread • Page 251

Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.

  1. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    I just wanna start by saying I’m sending lots of love and well wishes and good vibes to everyone here and it’s warming my heart that this space exists for people to air their feelings

    I have lots of stuff going on with me but I wanna focus on something pretty specific

    I grew up in a DIY scene where I was surrounded by friends making exciting music and getting noticed by the indie music industry’s hype machine. I tried to play the game for a bit, did really heavy scene networking, made music that was kind of guaranteed to stand out (wonky/atmospheric electronic production, unconventional instrumentation, uncomfortable/extreme vocal performances and lyrics - almost always playing shows with emo/indie pop bands and acoustic singer-songwriters). I had an internet label put out some of my work on cassette, got scattered praise and played shows with a bunch of people I admired (though never toured), and at one point even landed an interview with Pitchfork (for a feature on feminist DIY... that they ultimately ended up pulling before publication). looking back, I think my music was interesting but kind of awkwardly conceived and executed and far from realizing a lot of the potential that went into it. I was in many ways in a good position to stick with it and commit to improving. but I had a series of experiences - mostly related to multiple prominent scene figures I had felt close to being outed as sexual abusers - that led me to kind of abandon those social circles, and come close to giving up on making music generally

    now, a couple years after this extended social butterfly networking phase drew to a close, I’m largely socially isolated, though the exceptions to that are notable. I have a small tight knit circle of friends in a DIY scene halfway across the country from where I grew up, in a city I moved to a few months ago. I’m fronting a newly formed band that’s making what feels like the best music I’ve ever made, honing and improving on the best parts of my old project... but I’m nervous about what it would mean to commit to being an indie musician again.

    I’m afraid of the scene, I’m afraid of promo, I’m afraid of networking, I’m afraid of buzz, I’m afraid of the way artistry is commodified and of what ambition does to people in a capitalist society. I could probably get by to a big extent with my bandmates taking care of most of this stuff and do my best to keep a laser focus on the music. once again, I’m in a good position in many ways... but I have this tendency towards self-sabotage as a coping mechanism for trauma that won’t go away. I think being in a band is different, I have people supporting my work on a deeper level than I did the first time around as a solo artist. but the disenchantment is real, and it’s compounded by similar feelings permeating the rest of my life too.

    I kind of just want to hide away from everyone and listen to soothing music until I fade into nothingness. a lot of why I got into music in the first place was because of a lot of really intense trauma in my childhood background, and now as an adolescent and young adult I’ve just ended up finding more ways to layer on all sorts of different and newly extreme traumas that it’s not sustainable to keep getting hit with in the absence of somewhere safe to land... and I feel like I’ve never really had that kind of safety in my life, and don’t even know what it would look like exactly, or if it’s something that really exists the way I picture it. no one has a completely stable life situation, or completely stable love from others and all that, but I’ve always been so radically unstable on both of those counts that as I age it’s just getting harder and harder for me to imagine a way to change that - a change that’s scary, too, cuz as soon as you convince yourself that something could be stable, it falling apart is all the more traumatic (a recent dramatic falling out with my ex best friend and lover testifies to this).

    I’m telling myself that I’m just recharging for the next round of struggle in letting my will breathe as free as it can even in a world that’s bound to disturb that breath in tricky ways... but I really don’t know what’s going to happen, and I spend a lot of time feeling like the proverbial casualty of society from that Sum 41 song. lol
     
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  2. rebecca

    Regular

    I'm getting really anxious over my MRI. Last time they did one they found a few lesions but they said they weren't a big deal. I'm worried they're going to find more and that it will be concerning this time, like MS or something. I'm just crossing my fingers that they don't find anything.
     
  3. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    I hate the weird dips in my mood. Earlier today I'm thinking about how I wish my appointment with the new therapist was sooner and I don't even know if I can make it that long and just wanting to like crumble under anxiety and depression, and right now I'm like singing to myself feeling fine hopping around better mood and it's only been like an hour maybe since I was moody and weird. It's kind of exhausting to be on an emotional roller coaster like that
     
    Mary V likes this.
  4. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    I get mood swings like this too, they’ve been recurring in that kind of extremity consistently since I was around 13. it’s really overwhelming and terrifying and can kind of feel like your body swinging you around without the kind of reciprocity with your mind that makes you feel capable of action and alive on a basic level... like my existence as a person can feel like it’s just melting into the extremity of my mood, up or down, and both ecstasy and agony eventually kind of converge into this weird place for me of like this immense invasive sensation that won’t stop and I can’t control and kind of feels like I’m pulled apart into little pieces from the inside.

    literally the only way I can deal with this is by trying to identify, represent, and comprehend the patterns that are happening to me and conditioning it. I do a lot of creative writing (often paired with songwriting) because of this and also study and write about psychoanalytic theory. if I feel like I have a handle on some of the key processes that are moving me like this, in the form of some evocative structure that pieces together different parts of the pain like a puzzle, then it tends to keep redirecting me towards a hypomanic state.

    the problems really come when I’m forced to deal with and do things that I struggle to find room for my own desire in - this can make me really depressive, shut down and socially withdraw, and right now I’m struggling with that, although through the methods I mentioned earlier I’m kind of maintaining an internal state orbiting semi-comfortably around hypomania in the midst of that withdrawal. it gets much worse if I’m dealing with a lot of pressure and I’m not able to withdraw to some extent or won’t let myself, that’s the kind of situation where I’ll get really terrifying panic attacks
     
  5. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    it's good that you are trying to recognize the patterns and take control over it where you can. In my experience that's all that really helps talking myself through it. I haven't gone to counseling in a few months because I'm transitioning to a new one so I hope they can give me some suggestions when I start. I also just started some new meds and I think I'm kind of adjusting to that plus some vitamin deficiencies that are making me really tired and also throwing me off. Trying to sort through all of it and get my health back up but it is definitely a process and much harder when depression causes you to lack motivation. I hope you're doing well keep fighting the fight!
     
    lilcrescentmoonemoji likes this.
  6. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    Speaking of health, I mentioned somewhere that I kind of fainted out of nowhere a few weeks ago and I've noticed since then that I am super anxious about it happening again. every time I get warm or a little nauseous I get really really anxious that I'm going to pass out again and I start to get nervous and anxious and sort of relive I guess the symptoms that I felt like the sweating, the shakiness, and unable to really respond. I mean the symptoms don't literally happen again I just start to remember what it felt like and that adds to my anxiety. The last thing I needed was something to add to my already ridiculous list of things that cause anxiety which sucks. Especially since I am out of town and alone for the week so if I did pass out I would be in a place without friends or family or anybody that I know to help me which makes me even more anxious. I am eating and drinking okay I think. I'm taking supplements. probably not drinking as much as I should be but I'm trying my best so I probably won't pass out but yeah I guess anxiety isn't super rational
     
  7. sophos34

    Prestigious Prestigious

    my therapist definitely thinks i have PTSD from my drug abuse
     
  8. sophos34

    Prestigious Prestigious

    which sounds about right considering all the time I’ve spent in horrible places in both cities ive lived in and all the horrible shit I’ve seen and have had happen to me
     
  9. Louisiana Fast

    Separate the unreal from the real Supporter

    I'm still doing pretty okay but I need a place to vent so I'mma do it here.

    I have two close friends, one who I see pretty frequently, the other I talk to a decent amount but she moved to DC and I don't have a car so I don't see her. Last time I saw was in September when she got us and her bf tickets to see Drake (free courtesy of her job at Ticketmaster but still so thoughtful and cool). The first one is for sure the one I'm closer to but we've had a rocky history, at one point he was verbally abusing me, just screaming at the top of his lungs and it was always about this weirdest shit, shit that was not important in any sort of way. Not to "victim blame" myself but I wish I would have stood up for myself sooner because that was all I really needed to do. For sure it's been a two way street but also keep in mind he has pretty much driven to all the places and friends houses and stuff like that. I should also make it clear that I've never nothing anywhere near that caliber to him.

    So I have this date thing on Friday and I am just so fucking anxious. Also, when I get really anxious, I literally shake, or at least it feels like it. I really want to make a good impression so I ask him if he has any benzos lying around, like I asked for like a quarter of a quarter of a bar or a .5 of Atavan, which I was prescribed for a number of years. I'm going to talk to my psych about getting back on that on a as needed basis, I didn't really think a doctor would agree to that sort of thing but apparently I'm wrong. He tells me he knows where to get .5 of "vans" which would be PERFECT like one for Friday and maybe one of my drivers test. BUT, they're hard to get for "what they are" and he might be out of town (dunno where, w/e). Like it makes me so mad that he is truly more concerned with how high he'll get instead of just fucking helping me out. I bust my ass for this man so much, the most recent thing being, the last girl I was talking to was friends with a girl he is/was ('dunno) talking to so like on some truly middle school shit I was like do you know how xy feels about z and obviously told him what I learned. There's plenty more, truly, but there's no point rn in going through out of that was just like a week and a half ago.

    I've been kinda sad bc I know me having a car is going to make us a drift apart inevitably but perhaps it's for the better. I'm just really sick of trying to so hard to help and be there for him when I just truly don't 1/50 of that effort back. Super frustrating but fuck it, I don't need him.
     
    Shakriel likes this.
  10. JulieLynn

    I am Switzerland Supporter

    PTSD is the one thing that just kinda sneaks up on you and you really don't understand it until someone points it out. Its so fucked up and scary but makes total sense.
     
    sophos34 likes this.
  11. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    My depression is leading to me not showering as often as I should. Today I legit staged it to look like I took a shower so housekeeping wouldn't judge me. Sigh lol.
     
  12. JulieLynn

    I am Switzerland Supporter

    that was me a lot this past summer. Its the first sign I noticed that something wasn't quite right with me. I found taking baths at night before bed really helped.
     
  13. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    Yeah usually I know myself and that I'm not a morning person on top of depression making me not want to, but I've also been so tired lately I went to bed at like 7:30pm lol. I should prob shower as soon as I get back to my hotel tonight just so I'm prepared but yeah motivation sucks. I'm even becoming the dreaded late person I always whine about lol
     
  14. rebecca

    Regular

    I'm over-medicated until I can taper off everything besides Depakote and it has totally zapped all my energy and I can't believe I have to depend on these drugs that can do serious damage to my body. Reading side effects freaks me out every time. I am just feeling very anti-medication right now but I know I can't get by unmedicated. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill and didn't have chronic illnesses.
     
  15. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    Things are not going well. Idk. I am trying to urge myself to hang on until my therapy appt next week but it feels so far away. This is the worst I have felt in an incredibly long time. Usually at least as I get on with my day that feeling of heavy emptiness subsides a bit so I can function, but today especially it won't go away at all. It just sucks. Every morning I wake up, the thought of having to function thru another day is just debilitating.
     
  16. sophos34

    Prestigious Prestigious

    Yeah she wants me to undergo EMDR therapy
     
    lilcrescentmoonemoji likes this.
  17. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    I drank very little alcohol like 1/4 of a can of cider over like a period of 1.5 hr and then remembered I didn't take my Lexapro yet. Will I like die or something weird happens if I take it tonight? I assume it's ok but one time I didn't wait long enough before mixing meds and thought I was gonna die lol like literally
     
  18. I’m trying not to be bitter about the fact that two of my best friends are getting married next summer while I’m single sad and lonely but it’s hard
     
  19. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    I keep falling asleep in the early evening cuz I’m so tired so much of the time I just can’t stay awake

    then I’ll spend the rest of the night being “too tired to sleep” and wallowing in the feeling of stupidly self-imposed loneliness and being fuckin tortured by my past and all the voices in my head from all the people who’ve hurt me

    one of my friends played a show tonight and I know I should’ve gone but I didn’t because I felt self-conscious that my band hadn’t practiced since the last time I saw her. so I was worried I wouldn’t have enough interesting things to say about myself and our conversations would be all about how well she’s doing and I’m afraid of showing resentment over that to her. ugh
     
  20. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    my bandmates have also been kind of distant generally, and I’m afraid they’re getting frustrated with how emotionally erratic I am and maybe feel like I’m not supporting them because I haven’t gone to recent shows they’ve done with other projects. we haven’t had practice in a couple weeks cuz one of them has been really focused on solo work and has been getting booked for a ton of shows, and I’m super happy for her but once again there’s that resentment and perpetual fear of falling behind that I know she picks up on.

    for one of her shows earlier I messaged her that I would go but I was “on this tip” and linked the banks song “crowded places” which is about feeling nervous in crowds. but based on her response, I think she didn’t pick up on that and just thought I had chosen listening to banks alone in my apartment over seeing her play just cuz I like banks more or something. which makes me feel really stupid although if I told her I didn’t mean that she’d probably just be like “no I’d rather listen to banks than see me play too” although the other side of that is expecting me to push back and praise her music more...

    and now christmas is coming and all of this gets put on hold while I stew in my misery and resentment juices around my parents while they pretend to like each other
     
  21. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    I think all of this might be related to a broader problem where I only see value in myself when I’m actively producing or providing desirable things for other people. I get super caught up in that shit to the point that I literally cannot just chill out and do nothing in particular with people, I always need to be constructive in a way that feels mentally and spiritually fulfilling or whatever, and when I’m not impressing other people I feel like there’s something terribly wrong. if I’m not getting enough of the right kind of attention in that way my whole life goes into a tailspin, which is happening right now.

    I end up shedding basically all friendships that aren’t organized around specific activities, at this point basically meaning music, sex/intimacy, and/or intellectual stuff. I don’t know if this is good or bad anymore, it’s like I’m always trying to transcend the mundanity of my life and perpetually afraid of just living with it. I think that’s good to an extent but at this point my aversion to it feels pathological, but it’s hard to know how to approach that. maybe it’s time to dig back into the japanese spirituality lit I was getting into a while back
     
    Petit nain des Îles likes this.
  22. lilcrescentmoonemoji

    漂う夢のまにまに

    I’ve been told my whole life that I’m only good if I can give to other people in great ways, and outside of that I’ve always gotten cruelty, dismissal and hostility. but instead of dealing with that by becoming a slacker or whatever, I would just throw myself more and more into things I thought would make other people want me, to the point where they largely became more about my own satisfaction, but there’s still this expectation that in the end people still have to be impressed by this stuff I worked on or else I’m nothing, I’m worthless, I break down, get that recurring feeling of phantom hands around my throat. it’s such a hard thing to untangle
     
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  23. rebecca

    Regular

    My friend told me everyone was done hanging out with this man who sexually assaulted me and was VERY abusive of me and other people but I just logged into Instagram and it turns out he was at this party I almost went to! And I feel sick now lmao nobody will EVER stop loving this guy no matter how many people he abuses. It doesn't help that sometimes his victims defend him too due to stockholm syndrome or something. But I mean, at some point....you have to look at the sheer number of people who have trauma from your friend and realize he's dangerous. I don't care if his ex girlfriends stay on "good terms with him" or whatever, he has literally confessed to stealing the passwords of all of his exes while they were dating, other people have come forward about his abusive behaviors, and then there is the stuff I've told them about, which he never confessed to but my friends should believe me.

    So I'm done with them. I have a few friends who are either not in that crowd or are 100% against him and would never be his friend again (just one falls into that category). I'll be having fun in Maine, they can keep having fun supporting abusers I guess.
     
  24. rebecca

    Regular

    This is rooted in my anxiety disorder stuff so I guess I'll post it here.

    Anyone have any tips for overcoming anxiety about navigating cities alone? I'm more used to being in cities with other people, so I'm not as on edge. I get overwhelmed really easily, especially by traffic. I don't drive so I walk/use public transportation. I've gotten by without using Uber so far, but I'm going to have to start using it soon, and I'm a little anxious about that. I think the thing about Uber that makes me the most anxious is having to socialize with a stranger. Although I'm not 100% sure where that comes from, because I have used taxis and do okay socializing then. For what it's worth, I have spent most of my life in places with populations below 25,000 - so anything more than that is new to me, save for some trips to Boston/NYC with other people. ANY advice would be appreciated, thanks.
     
  25. Kiana

    God-uncle Charlie! Prestigious

    I'm from a small town and navigating public transport bigger cities used to stress me out too and still does if I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. I cheat because I cannot read maps to save my life and I will plug in where I am and where I want to go with google maps, input public transport option, and it'll tell me which station I need to go to and all the stops, the station ids, etc and that made it pretty foolproof for me. it's helped me navigate various cities and their public transport without getting lost
     
    rebecca likes this.