Mental Health Thread • Page 251

my life is garbage

 

I'll admit 2018 was half good. I was able to finally land a new job just before summer that got me the fuck out of a state (and job) I hated and into an area that I do genuinely like.

That said, it's not perfect. I live somewhere where there is plenty to do... and I just want to spend all my time at home, alone. I feel embarrassed that everyone I know is so outgoing and I just want to be home. I really haven't made any friends since my move, something I do and don't much care about at the same time. I like texting people, not actually hanging with them, lol.

So in 2019, I'd like to try and be a little more adventurous given where I live, but I won't be too broken up about it if I don't. I don't know.

At the very least I'd like to do more non-work writing and stop buying things when depression demands some fake gratification. And then I'd love to stop feeling paranoid about job security.

 

This very much sounds like me. What kind of things are you planning to do around town? Alone? With friends?

 

After going through a divorce and trying my hand (unsuccessfully) at dating again in 2018, I've had to come to terms with being ok with being alone. I've always struggled with being alone. If I'm not pouring myself into a person/relationship, I really tend to have identity issues. To combat this, I've decided to take ownership of certain things by doing them for myself and not for anyone else.

For example, the other night I played an open mic for the first time in like 6 years. I didn't tell anyone or invite anyone. I was nervous as hell, but it went pretty well. I hardly even pick up the guitar anymore, let alone play in front of people. I used to do that with regularity so that was a big step. I'm also going to finally start writing a book idea I've had for like 5 years. These two things might not seem that major, but they are passions that I've put aside for years that I'm looking forward to investing time in.

 

Mostly things like finally visit some of the landmark locations in the city. Lived here for half a year, it's time that I at the very least did that and learn what some of the neighborhoods are like in case I decide I'd be interested in moving directly into the city at some point. Also, there's a shitton of restaurants, time to try some out. Probably alone to start. I still don't know anyone here outside of co-workers. I have a couple from my office who have shown an interest in hanging out should I reach out. I just need to suck it up and reciprocate.

I just need to learn how to fight the inertia of work ending and immediately heading for the train home.

 

I’m trying to adapt to this now. I abruptly left my STBXW and I’m worried about being alone. In addition we have week on - week off with our 3 y/o and I feel like I’m failing. He cries to go to his moms night when I put him to bed which guts me, I’m not as talented as she is when it come to cooking and stuff either. I feel like he deserves better. It’s tough, especially on NYE which has always been a close romantic thing for me.

 

Got a flight from Boston to Orlando in a little over a week. Haven't flown since I was 21, I'm 27 now. Avoided it because I am afraid of getting a panic attack on the plane. But, this will be my first time flying on meds, and I'll have xanax with me as needed. I think I can do it. I just keep telling myself "I want to live my life" and that little mantra seems to help. It also helps that I got a switch with me for this trip.

 

Fuck, I relate to this so hard. After my breakup three months ago I started focusing harder on my career and trying my hand at photography, but it's still harder some days than other. Glad to hear that open mic went well and best of luck with your book

 

A few days ago, my parents found out about my new course. I really wanted to tell them on my own but I faltered at every opportunity. They wound up learning about it thanks to an acceptance letter from the college I’m starting at. On the day everyone found out, they just unloaded on me. It was also the day my boyfriend went back home so I was already devastated about that, and it felt like I had been punched over and over again by my family. I’ve been reliving every horrible thing they said - even though my sister and mum apologised for being so harsh. I think my relationship with my mum and sister is okay. My dad, though? He’s hardly speaking to me, idk if he’s just avoiding people in general (it’s a very busy time for my family) or only avoiding me, but it really hurts. My relationship with him has been damaged and I’m trying to make amends, trying to be more open with my family, trying to earn their trust back, and I just feel so awful when I should be feeling elated about all the wonderful things that will happen in the new year! I feel like a colossal fuck up. I really was just protecting myself by getting into a whole new course on my own, but it’s hurt my family in the process and I don’t know what to do. I just want things to be okay again

 

I'm having the kind of month where it feels fictional to describe it, and not because of how great it's been. It's so hard to function and I legitimately do not know if I can keep my head up through the distress.

 

Started the new year with an anxiety attack set off by That Band

 

I don't know why I've been lying to myself but my symptoms are not 100% gone. I don't get joint aches which is amazing but I still get pins and needles every day. I don't know how to explain to people what an unsettling thing they are to experience regularly, since they sound so harmless. I rescheduled my MRI because I wasn't feeling like going that day. I rescheduled it for in two weeks. I just want to be 100% better or at least closer to it. I'm not sure if leaving for school so soon was a good idea, maybe I should have waited until mid-January.

 

I feel the same way, it's about damn time yo

 

I think my appetite is coming back a bit. Hopefully my motivation to shop and cook comes back too. I'm def in a cycle of not eating enough food in general let alone healthy food, and then being tired all the time as a consequence of lack of nutrition. But then being too tired to make food. I wish those meal delivery services weren't so expensive. I think my local grocery store delivers but in v specific time frames and I'm not home a lot. Idk. Wish I had a personal shopper and chef!

 

I've been rejected from so many jobs now that I kind of just wanna file for social security. Or idk I can't seem to do anything .

 

I felt that way until someone did it for me and It was a serious wake up call back in October.

 

not on meds anymore since I was sporadically taking them anyway and didn’t think they did much, hopefully I won’t need to get back on anything because I do feel fine, generally, without them.

 

today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot of little work things done and everyone I talked to was really polite which is not common for my job all the time. I also have gotten my appetite back so I went shopping yesterday and made dinner today and I packed my lunch for tomorrow which is probably the most productive I've been in a long time. I also found out that the Sephora gift card I got for Christmas that didn't have an amount on it was for twice as much as I thought it was. I also get to have my nephew spend the night with me tomorrow night which is exciting. Hopefully I can find the motivation to clean my house because it's a hot mess and my nephew's coming over but today generally went okay. I have also made a list for my new counselor to talk about what I want out of therapy which I think is the first time in therapy I've ever kind of even had an idea of what I want from it in a way that I can write down tangibly which is encouraging

 

This is really great news buddy! I'm here for ya if you ever need to talk! Going off meds is a process so take it day by day!

 

For The Mentally Ill Folks Who Didn’t Think They’d Make It This Year

 

My new job is giving me a sense of purpose and I’m feeling confident in myself.

 

Another rough day spent asking the universe if this will ever end

 

I told my new counselor in a sort of vague way about my issues with my parents divorce and how that basically destroyed my mental health forever lol and the way I think and view things as a person and she wants to focus on that for a while and I'm a little nervous. I've talked to people about it rarely and in sort of a vague way but haven't delved specifically into some of the trauma and immense guilt I feel and I hope I can be honest. I think it needs to be done cause it's like the epicenter of all my issues but that also makes it the most like devestating can of worms to open and I'm anxious.


I will say that I already like this counselor more than my previous. She's not expressive which I appreciate because I'm a weirdo. She seems to get where I'm coming from even tho she wants me to try yoga instead of my normal gym routine which I'm not totally sold on. Nothing against yoga, I just am set in my ways sometimes lol

 

@PeacefulOrca i know it’s easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up about this. this is all due to a choice she made, not from something you did or didn’t do. I’m really sorry this happened to you

 

I love Portland Maine so much. I went into town twice this week and walked around and it's so nice. Then today I went through all the art events I wanna go to on Facebook and there is so much happening. There are way more opportunities for just about anything than in my hometown.

I am still struggling with like...executive function and loneliness. As for executive function, I need to clean but I'm always either exhausted or dying to get out of my room. I'm going to clean today though. And loneliness is a hard one, I don't know many people here and my friends can't visit me and there actually aren't many students here right now. These things should improve with time I hope.