Discussion in 'General Forum' started by AelNire, Mar 9, 2016.
I deleted Facebook about a week ago and it's been so great to disconnect. I hope it helps!
a literal detox, good for you!
I'm going to make a positive post in this thread for once. Because god knows how many times I've posted in here when I felt really, really low.
Despite everything I have going on that SHOULD be making me feel miserable, I actually feel okay. Like... I'm still under a lot of stress, but I've actually been handling it relatively well. I've been making the conscious effort to hang out with friends and do things instead of just holing myself up in my room. It's weird to say because I really shouldn't but... I'm actually feeling pretty good about things? I do know a lot of it has to do with removing all of the toxic people in my life and putting myself out there more with communities that have been very welcoming and good to me, like the rhythm game community. Like... I simply posted on Facebook that I was going to be celebrating my birthday at this arcade a couple hours from me called Round One and I had people I had met at Dance Dance Revolution tournaments responding saying they'd all either be there or at least try to be there. I had never thought that highly of myself but the fact that these people I've only met in person a few times at most are all considering making 2-3 hour drives just to come celebrate with me makes me feel pretty good about the effect I have on people. It just feels nice to have people like me and accept me, because I spent way too fucking long trying to make one-sided friendships work.
it doesn't happen very often, but once in awhile I will come across a kid in my work who I want to adopt so bad and legit seriously would go through all of the process of adopting if I could. Not like "ahh you're so cute I wanna take u home" but like legit parent for life. I will be glad when this kid has a safe home, but I feel like it's also going to be bittersweet because I legitimately would raise this child. I think this is only the second time in 4 or 5 years where there was a kid I would seriously jump through hoops to adopt. the other kid I wouldve adopted I only got to know for a few months and it was years ago but I still legit look out for him when I go to the store hoping I will see him even though he wouldn't remember me. It's always very sad but in a good way because it means they're safe if I'm not seeing them. Such is life. everytime I start thinking I definitely for sure don't want children I end up meeting the coolest kids
I'm starting to think i'm broken.
I'll be fine one minute and the next I'm crying because I have to go to VA for a wedding next weekend (my cousin is having her princess wedding that I'll never have), I can't buy a new dress, I have to find affordable shoes and my grandma isn't here to calm me the fuck down. Then that spirals into a 20 min cry fest about how much I miss my grandparents.....and then its over. Done. Back to normal Julie.....who will probably do the same thing the night before her flight next week. I'm starting to realize my grandma was my own personal form of Zoloft without having to take a pill. She could calm me down and make it all better in the matter of minutes. Its been over a year and I still can't fully human without her.
I can't sleep, didn't eat, feel like I might pass out from exhaustion at work 8 hours from now, and on top off that, I just got the call that my mom will enter a psych ward tomorrow. I'm relieved because I couldn't recognize her anymore these last few months, and this will help her take control back control of her life, and gain the confidence to then live the life she wants to free of my dad. On the other hand, I'm now all alone with him, which means that, until I save up enough money to run away from good and get an apartment, the next few (or more?) weeks are going to be the hardest of my life mentally. Living with someone who is so blatantly ill, narcissistic, delusional, aggressive, loses his autonomy more and more each day but refuses to get medical help and instead acts like a dictator, feels invincible and constantly makes weird threats (« if I go to jail, what about it? » « you'll see what happens to you when I die » « i guess your mom and you will stop whining when you get the money from my death insurance »)... Their house is sold but they still haven't found a new home, yet we're supposed to be out of the former by early January. It's infuriating, living in fear is unhealthy. I feel trapped. I have an appointment with a social worker and a lawyer next week so hopefully I'll figure out short term solutions to protect myself.
I started Lexapro yesterday and both nights I've taken it I've woken up with bad anxiety and like a feeling of dread. Just like nervous energy I can't release because it's 1am. At least if it was 5am I could go to the gym but since it's so early I have a difficult time and then I finally go back to sleep but am tired af the next day. Idk if it's the meds or because my stress levels have soared lately but a mess
like I'm so stressed out I'm forgetting basic information. I felt like such a ditzy mess at my guitar lesson the other night because I was blanking on the notes and the chords that I know but my brain just like couldn't think. And the other day I had to give a receptionist my address and I couldn't remember my apartment number and I gave her the wrong one. My brain state is in such survival mode I just feel like it can't process correctly. That's before I started taking this so I know it's not related to that but I just feel like a mess
I've been having good therapy sessions lately but since I basically split my time between two different New England states and she's only a licensed teletherapist in one of them it's hard to have consistent sessions. Anyway I thought it might be hard to find a teletherapist licensed in both Maine and NH, but I just found one! And her specialty is trauma! I'm going to call her next week, I don't have much time to talk on the phone today. Kind of sad because I do like my therapist, but I'd like to be in Maine more next semester so this isn't really working out.
Hey guys. I hope everyone had a good week! Happy Friday (or Wednesday, for me.) I’ve been pretty manic for the last few days and it’s been very chaotic inside my head. My anxiety is so high that I didn’t go to work yesterday because I didn’t want to leave my house. Today was rough but I made it through the day. My office is pretty empty on the weekends so I’m feeling a bit more comfortable about the last two days of my work week.
Just wanted to say I love you all and if anyone needs someone to rant to, please feel free to reach out. We’re all in this together! I’ll do my best to listen and provide support but I’m kind of a mess.
really fucking sad
haven't wanted to self harm this bad in a long ass time dammit dammit dammit
You are loved and appreciated! I know things are rough at the moment. I’ve been there. I am there some days. Stay strong
When I'm manic I get anxious every time someone doesn't text me back. This doesn't happen as much when I'm in a normal state or depressed. I hate it so so much. I used to try to make up for it by messaging more people so I always had someone to talk to, but I've gotten better at controlling that impulse because it just makes me more overwhelmed with anxiety. Anyway when I'm thinking rationally I know they'll get back to me at some point but it's hard to think rationally when you're manic. I'm trying really hard this time though.
Had a friend I met at the clinic harass me these past few months as I was avoiding her due to a meetup that didn't go well from my side. Not to go into too many details but she gave me lots of red flags, and was weirdly controlling and judgmental, as well as using money to manipulate me. I was just done as every bridge was burned for me. I thought ghosting her would suffice as I didn't feel like I owed her anything, and also because I was afraid of her, but once I unblocked her, I started getting calls and texts at the most random hours. So I finally told her what was wrong, and to leave me alone if she actually wished me well. I feel relieved, but damn, why can't people respect each others' space? I'm glad I got out of this friendship before it got worse.
I have this same problem when I am manic. I'll send people texts and like, they wont respond immediately and it makes me super anxious that they don't want to talk to me or I am being annoying. I get super insecure and apologize a lot for bothering people. You can do it! I believe in you. I'm doing my best as well.
Sorry you deal with this as well but it's good to know I'm not alone! I also worry a lot about annoying people but my real fear is that they just changed their mind about me for whatever reason. I believe in you too, keep doing your best and I'm sure you'll be okay! My friend I was waiting for a reply from ended up getting back to me, so I'm super relieved, but also proud of myself because I sort of calmed down about it before he even texted me. Mania is awful but we can overcome the grasp it holds on us if we really try, it's so fucking hard at times though.
TW sexual abuse I guess??
My therapist asked if I still blame myself for hooking up with my friend's boyfriend, at age 16 when he was 19 and deliberately got me drunk and begged me to do stuff with him and I didn't even know I was experiencing mania for the first time. And yeah, I totally fucking do. I still feel responsible and like an awful person for hurting her. As a drunk/high manic 16 year old being coerced into sex by a college guy I realize now I had very little agency in the situation. Some of the guilt I hold is probably from my OCD, I've always felt super guilty over little things for years and I guess that's common in OCD. But also having it drilled into my head by my ex, friends including the guy's ex girlfriend, and random people I wasn't that close with that I was this awful fucking person for years for that whole incident really did some damage to my self-esteem. I know some of that is misogyny because I very rarely heard him be criticized at the same level despite the fact that most people really didn't like the guy - if anyone wants another example of the kind of person he was, he also told me to overdose on my meds and said me and my friends were all sluts during an argument I had with him. I think part of the reason that I took so much responsibility for it was also due to the fact that I wanted to believe I was in control; people will accuse survivors of unfairly "playing the victim" but those people just don't understand that like every other human being, we actually hate feeling powerless and like we didn't have any control in something fucking terrible that happened to us.
I heard the former friend got married this year - good for her, I'm sure she's really happy and I'm glad. But that's also proof that she has moved on with her life as much as she can, and I should be able to feel a little less guilt over it, yet here I am ruminating over the past while most people move on from shit that happened ten years ago. Literally everyone I've met since I graduated high school has told me everyone does stupid shit in high school, I shouldn't feel guilty, and some have even straight up told me it wasn't my fault, it was all on him. On a rational level I agree, emotionally it still hasn't fully registered inside my head. I don't know why I'm so stuck in the past - I guess some of it is my mental illnesses working against me. I don't know how much more therapy I'll need to get over this, or maybe I never totally will.
The property it all happened on is on the commute to my psychiatrist's office. I can be fine one minute then get flashbacks the second I see those cabins - he was a spoiled rich kid and his father owned all these cabins we would all drink in. He wasn't the only college guy I ended up "hooking up" with at those parties and my abusive ex would tell me I used to be a slut before I met him but fucking what about those college guys who should've been hooking up with women their own age, not drunk 16 year olds?
This was long and I feel like I have so much more to say but I don't want to think about it anymore right now. Writing it out was more cathartic than I thought it would be though.
This definitely is not as serious as a lot of the stuff here but all the early decision college stuff is coming out this week and the slow painful countdown until Thursday is preventing me from functioning normally. I feel so much pressure to get into my first choice.
I’m trying so hard to do what’s right. To be honest and stay off hard drugs. I’ve got checks in place so my people around me can keep an eye on me. And sometimes I feel really good about myself and I go out of my way to let like my gf know for example hey, here’s my location right now so you can see where I am and that it’s not in the hood buying drugs. But there’s always a way for me to slip by, not everyone can have eyes on me all the time and I know that, so if I’m craving and an opportunity presents itself for me to be shady, well, for some reason I’ll take advantage of it way more often than not. I can’t help myself sometimes. Sometimes the thrill of having to drive up to north philly and go score the drugs is just as fulfilling of an experience as doing the drug themselves is. It’s fucked up and I feel like a scum bag. I don’t necessarily get off on lying but I do kind of get off on getting away with it
Something I've found helpful in my anxiety and panic attacks is rationalizing your irrationality. Like I used to get panic attacks on trains underground, but when you are able to kind of get logical with it, or put it into perspective it can help. The basis of anxiety is irrational thoughts/creating fear around the world that isn't really there.
Does anyone get caffeine sensitive on an SSRI? Or more specifically prozac? I feel like I am way more sensitive to it and have generally given up coffee unless it's decaf.
I guess this belongs here...so idk if anyone has been following my """dating""" fiasco and I guess that doesn't really pertain exactly but something that I'm sort of just coming to the realization of is that before Wellbutrin, I took Lexapro for at a max of 8 years, 6 years for sure minimum.
I imagine y'all can/could at some point relate but like I feel all these emotions and I don't know how to handle them. Like, is this something that Wellbutrin will eventually "fix" or idk basically I don't know and I'm just looking to hear if anyone has any like experiences or advice
It's always a little trippy when I remember that I could throw my life away *likethat* in a blink. Like, oh yeah, in the end I'm accountable to myself and no one else
Also i believe they call that feeling of getting away with it "deceptive delight"