Mental Health Thread • Page 214

^^^one of the biggest reasons i like to smoke weed before bed. helps to mute those thoughts

 

fucking can't stop crying and feeling bad for myself
this sucks

 

You're one of my favorite posters and seem like such an awesome person. Just letting you know.

 

@oldjersey thanks, I appreciate the kind words

 

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. My PM box is always open if needed. I echo Dan’s post too, you’re awesome.

 

So I have serious issues with patience, particularly when it comes to anything unpleasant/unexpected/something went wrong. I have a burning need to fix whatever is bothering me RIGHT THEN AND NOW...and it's caused me to act on pure emotion in the past, instead of just taking a breath, figuring shit out slowly, etc.

This appointment thing with the hysto surgeon is my latest one of these. I really want to call and find out where I am on the waiting list, because part of me wonders if that was all just BS to get me off the phone, and part of me wants to insist that I'm put at the top of the list because THEY screwed up, not me. I realize I should probably just let it be, I have a new appointment and they'll call if they call...but like god damn I cannot shake the unpleasant burning feeling of "i need to call about this until i get what i want to make myself feel better"

my therapist says this is because i am the child of two alcoholics, and my needs were not always met in a timely fashion when I had an issue.

 

@ComedownMachine any reason to stay is a good one

 

The dangerous part is when you start to form plans, or so I have been told while being extremely honest with my therapist

 

I care about you @ComedownMachine , I think you know that

 

Had an extremely suicidal day a couple days ago. I got on the phone with my emergency nurse and she talked me through it. We both agreed that reaching for help instead of ending up in the hospital like I normally do is a HUGE win for me. I still struggle with it but I see hope as well as the darkness these days.

 

I’m a horrible person and I fuck up everything.

 

I think you're a great person who isn't perfect, because no one is.

 

I highly doubt that, Anthony.

Friends, we all suffer from cognitive distortions:
Cognitive Distortions <---- WARNING, EXTREME COMIC SANS. SO MUCH COMIC SANS
Cognitive Distortions: When Your Brain Lies to You (+ PDF Worksheets)

I do a looot of black and white thinking and disqualifying the positive.

 

my god even an all caps warning about comic sans wasn't enough of a warning.

 

haha i tried! let me make an edit

 

I do a lot of No. 6, Magnification/Minimization.

 

I really needed to read that, thank you

 

This is where I've been at, and am lucky to have my kids as they always keep me around.

I love you though, man. There are a lot of people on this site that do. Hope you know that. You've got my #

 

Oh man, so many cognitive distortions. I’m a big mind-reader and fortune teller.

 

TW: Sexual abuse

I'm going nuts with anxiety because I sent a facebook message to a friend who I realize, in retrospect, I was really awful to. This is no excuse but I was dealing with shit I couldn't handle - being sexually abused by my friend's college boyfriend when I was sixteen and being totally vilified for it (guess what: he wasn't vilified at all!), and the friend (his girlfriend) and onr of our other friends wouldn't let me forget it so I asked the friend (the one I was awful to) not to invite them to the parties my new friends were holding when we were in college. I took it too far though, I was a little aggressive and I didn't handle it well at all, and I feel so much regret. I didn't quite have the words to articulate why seeing these people who constantly talked about and blamed me for the abuse I suffered was "triggering" - I didn't even realize I was abused until someone told me I was in a mental health therapy group. I wish I had just not said a word about not wanting them at parties, and dealt with my negative feelings on my own.

I didn't want to just drop a whole apology on her, so I offered to let her read it if she wants to. I read the apology I wrote out to my therapist to make sure I wasn't like, making excuses, but I did want to explain where I was coming from to some extent. She said she thinks it was good. I don't know if this is selfish but I really want her to read it, however I know it's her right to refuse to. I just don't know how to forgive myself, stop regretting it, and move on unless she reads it - although I know I need to learn to do that. Also, I am genuinely not looking for forgiveness - I just want her to know that I'm sorry.

I don't really know why I'm so anxious about this, I guess a part of me is afraid she hates me and thinks I'm awful for contacting her in the first place? But I guess I just have to wait and see.

On the bright side, I did re-connect with a couple other friends I thought hated me (ironically, also for how I handled trauma and seeing abusive people), and I'm seeing them next weekend.

Also, jesus christ, I still need so much therapy even though I've been going since I was 15.

And I don't know if any of this made any sense or if it makes me sound like an asshole.

 

man, i come in here and the folks having thoughts of bringing on their own end are always the people i adore the most and hold in the highest esteem. i care about you all deeply and am another one of many that will always be here for you to talk to.

 

I dunno what exactly feels wrong.

But sometimes I just want to throw up.

 

sounds like anxiety, and history shows me you’re bigger than it. kick it’s ass and stuff.

 

I always feel guilty whenever I get sick and/or have to ask for help because it adds so much stress to other people’s lives. I’m so tired of feeling like I have the apologize for my existence.

 

emotional abuse TW I guess

Another thing I've been struggling with is realizing that my best friend of 5 years, who I dated the 5th year, is um...actually not a very nice person and also probably abusive? I'm still processing it. It was so weird, I wondered why for the last year I was so stressed out thinking that he was finding reasons to vilify me (even though we never fought), or that he wanted me to fail in life....and then one day, a year after I saw him last, I suddenly remembered that's exactly how he was with his exes (he literally took pleasure in the fact that they were struggling to live on their own). I think he made himself sound like a victim for the ways his exes reacted to his abuse - "she never wants to spend time with me, only hangs out with her friends" - "she hasn't talked to me in weeks" - "she broke up with me over text after we were going to move to NYC together." And I never really felt like I had a reason to argue with him, but I was also absolutely terrified of making him mad to an extent that isn't normal for me, because he talked about how he and his ex fought constantly. He actually said something like "let's never fight"? And I kind of wonder if the reason he would go on and on about how important privacy is instead of saying "trust is important" means he had something to hide? I feel horrible for not listening to one of his exes when she said "he makes me feel stupid" - I genuinely thought he was a nice guy and she was insecure - and then when they broke up he TOLD me she was stupid - and then he did the same thing to me so I think it was all intentional, including calling me an idiot "as a joke". Also, when I called him out on how he made me feel stupid, he'd make it about him and say HE was the stupid one for dropping out of high school. I was 19 when his ex talked to me so I'm trying to give myself a break. My therapist was kind of unhelpful and would just call him "insecure" or say "it sounds like he has a lot of issues." My support group immediately called some of the stuff I described (that I haven't mentioned here) "gaslighting." I trusted him more than anyone, he really comes off as such a nice guy and everyone says that, but I ignored a lot of signs that I recognized as not healthy and I wish I had trusted my instincts. Also, this isn't even really the half of it - there are worse, more traumatizing things.

I don't want to tell our mutual friends because it'll just get back to him and I don't want to deal with his anger. He actually doesn't even have my new number though, thankfully.

I think he abused his other exes more than he did to me. I don't think that means he has changed. I feel less traumatized by this than I have from other people (I mean, this guy never assaulted me) but it still feels so bad because he was my best friend and like I said, for some stupid reason I trusted him more than anyone.

Oh, one last thing I just remembered before I end this rant...he actually told me he thought he had maybe been abusive in past relationships. Why I didn't take this as an opportunity to run and protect myself from even the slightest chance of being with another abuser I will probably never understand and always regret.

EDIT: Jesus christ, sorry this was so long.