Mental Health Thread • Page 159

i feel like my world is lowkey falling apart

im doing poorly in school. both my roommates are moving out, one of them with very little notice. and I have been trying to get this job and the process has been going on for a month now and I'm not sure what to do exactly. Not sure how I'll be able to pay the bills next month.

 

I wish I was brave.

 

As much as I hate my mental health issues, in an odd way I finesse them for strength at times too.... Hate to quote a poem i wrote again (feels a lil self serving) in a consecutive post here but this is a perfect representation... few years old but still pertinent:

"Self destruction has become my art form
A lonesome art form filled with ugly beauty
bitter truths, painful lies, blissful escape
self destruction as a defense mechanism
because if I disarm all those outside me
by taking & using those same weapons on myself
how can you hurt me?
if I hate myself why would you hate me?
if I kill myself how can you kill me?
flaws a plenty, logic sporadic, care nonexistent
too alert, morale mutiny inside my head
sensitivity is beautiful when paired with love & appreciation
artistic when paired with loneliness and depression
a count against me in relationships..."

That sounds scary in ways I get... but I also finessed that in the sense of "If I have wanted to end myself and I couldn't how THE FUCK do you/that even begin to think that can touch me?" like rebellion born of being tired of being a victim.

Does anyone else do that shit?

 

As morose as my last posts have been I must admit... I did clearly make a new, REAL, good friend. Buddy named Maurice... Met him at my old job, and off top he was surprised by my reality (aka my girlfriend being black lol) and him not seeing that at all with the pink nails and dressed like a chav lol. Told me he was looking for a place to live, living in a car (when me and my girl were facing the same thing). When I didnt have a meal on Thanksgiving, he gave me one he was given. I picked him up at work today to take him home, he gave me a half pizza pie to have something to eat today, when I was depressed over shit hes asked me how I was and gave me bud to relax with. I smoked him up a few times too when I came through his job, took him home tonight. We've spoke of even maybe one day going in on some roommate stuff, same age - lot of the same feelings on friends and love... maybe this is life's sign to me...

"As hopeless as it seems, here's a friend who gets it."

 

my anxiety is raging to the point i'm shaking and i have a job interview in an hour. i purposely skipped having coffee today so i would avoid this.

 

Between my mistakes and seemingly not being able to catch a break I'm so worn down. I feel myself slipping back into mindsets that I had worked incredibly hard to get out of.

 

I hope the interview goes well! I know this feeling too well.

 

Thank you! I think it went okay. It was a short group interview and it seemed like everyone did well. Fingers crossed!

 

Nothing like that moment of panic when I can tell by someone's expression/body language that I'm doing something wrong in the social interaction but I don't know what it is. I always find out later and cringe forever.

 

It's why I'm as quiet as possible, pretending I'm not there, unless I've know the people for years. Even then I'm still relatively quiet...

 

Had to check a friend whos been a "brother" since i was 5 whos also friendly (tho nowhere near as close) with my... whatever her mood calls for it today and I'm tired of it.
I owe no one a thing rememeber that from family, to friends, to lovers, I WILL ALWAYS GO OUT OF MY WAY but if i sense any unappreciative bullshit i will remind you what life is without me.

Call it spite or call it :"Remind those who bite the hand that feds who only wants to help" reminding those who eat off it... that my effort is still a HUGE reason why any of this works.

Im not a spiteful type but I been shit on for months and tbh, I'm over it.

 

I am terrible at fake fucks checking me.... posing is cute in situational positions. Santa, the Easter Bunny, whoevern maybe one day, right? lol Really i appreciate it, we all have hopes and desires, issue is I'm not the one. I'm not yalls pivot find another one lol.
I will gladly watch yall try so hard to get under my skin before I let on.... see the issue you need me to feel.... but my money isnt tied, I can be sad but I know my money is seperate lol. Find your own way,,, Pushed me long enough I realized youre all full of shit tryna finesse to feel bad for trying... problem is well... i dont.. and seen better.

 

A man who looked very similar to my emotionally & physically abusive ex boyfriend just walked past me sooo I'm having a panic attack

 

Today was not a great day

A girl I was interested in for years that I finally got the guts to start talking to blocked me out of nowhere. Things were going really well and we were actually having a lot of talks about how important mental health is, I told her how badly I was feeling lately because I was a bit depressed and she really got me through it. I come out of therapy today and she's gone. Even worse my therapist cancelled after making me wait there for an hour. Among other things, a car almost hit me and I can't do the rescheduled date so I have to wait till next week. I really needed this session. I've been really sad and just emotionally hurt for reasons I can't even figure out lately. Ugh.

 

Really sorry to hear you're struggling. :( And while I can't offer much in the way of help like your therapist can, my inbox is always open if you just want to talk and/or rant.

 

Student loan stuff is absolutely crushing me today. I feel so defeated.

 

I think I'm crushing on my current therapist?

Thankfully, she is a provisional therapist until I start seeing one off-campus (two more weeks, two more sessions). It still sucks tho.

 

I just don't want to wake up anymore.

 

Same thing happened to me last year, she ended up being younger than me and probably not a good person irl so I wasn't upset nothing happened. You'll get over it.

 

She's around my age, or maybe a little older, and seems like an amazing person lol. But yeah, I'm sure I'll move past it as soon as I go to another therapist. I just hope I don't start running into her on campus (she teaches too) or even outside of campus (she suggested I volunteer at a soup kitchen she volunteers at sometimes).

 

I've always walked the edge people talk about "being at their edge" of and I don't know... maybe I've gotten so use to it that it really takes a REALLY FUCKED UP situation to really rattle me now but these last few months I have never felt more hopeless, worthless, useless, unappreciated, and sabotaged by people who are supposed to be there to support and care.

I told myself 2017 was my make or break year... and I was making it for quite some time, me and Brittany were making it.... then it was broken... me and here aren't technically together anymore though we are tied to one another... that is hard enough as is... But I'm stuck back in toxicity I tried to escape from in my family who are now even MORE TOXIC cus of them seeing me having the rise to try, so they gotta cripple me that much more.
Kick out my girl for your (my mom) racism, try and suck my pockets clean so I cant even help her or myself, demonize me for being upset and not wanting to be around family, you handicapped me and her's earning potential, setback our lives, and raped both our mental health.

Idk.. I'm just at a point where I'm crying everyday over the smallest reminders of what it was, hating every second of what it is, drinking till I don't even know what I'm saying or doing at night just to fall asleep cus I can't handle life as is now, spirit is totally shattered and I feel like I'm losing everything and in ways I am. I still work hard, I run around to help best I can, but nothing seems to get better or make a dent/matter. Suicide is a daily thought and tbh... I'm at a point where I'm tryna set money aside for the ticket out... but can't even do that.

I'm broken and I got no idea how to piece shit back together, or if it's even worth wanting to cus it always comes back to this point anyway.

 

Went from planning to give my girl a ring on Christmas, asking her to Marry Me... to not even being together as a couple, her homeless (cus of my Mom), and not even sure I'll see her on the day. Each second knowing that is a twist of the knife in my heart.

I thought my life was finally making a change for the better. But that never seems meant for me.

 

I never really feel lonely but once in a while I'll have a hard day at work and it's so difficult to come home and have nobody to vent to or help me unwind and relax. I live alone and just stew in my thoughts and the feeling only builds. It's days like this that I do wish I had someone close, be it a partner or a good friend to hang out with. But all my friends have kids or are married or something and wanna unwind by hanging with them so I'm alone to stew!! Sometimes I wanna go alone to a bar, not even to drink rly just to sit and not be home.