Mental Health Thread • Page 157

Lots of people been pouring out affection to me and I appreciate it a lot... some of it is more than I ever expected on all levels. All in hopes to make me realize there is a purpose through all this suffering I talk to them about from my family, my girl, my brother, even Peep dying hurts, and I wanna try for them but I can't make myself care and it hurts. I want to... but I just can't believe there's a reason anymore. I told myself 2017 was my all in year and it got sabotaged and wrecked, all this other stuff happened.
I'm struggling and outside my girl and tryna make that happen, and a 2 friends idc anymore.

Sorry for the triple post... just been a hell of a last few weeks..

 

Sorry this is so long. I don't have anyone else to vent to right now.

Saturday-Tuesday I had off from work because my best friend was in town. We went to a couple shows, the art museum, the Bears-Packers game, we went to a record store and I got the new Julien Baker record. I had a great time.

Then as soon as he left I started getting sick. Sore throat, woke up in the middle of the night shivering uncontrollably. Still went in to work because I knew they would need me after four days off. Ended up just leaving right away because everyone could see I was sick, I had a 101.7° fever at this point. It ended up getting worse over night, yesterday it was up to 104° and I was coughing so bad my chest is bruised. So I finally went to urgent care and I have Flu A/influenza.

Immediately after I was done in urgent care I texted my district manager what I was diagnosed with. She called me right away and was kind of abrasive "So what do you need me to do for you?!" After asking me to keep her updated on how I was feeling earlier in the day. Turns out she was in my store that day for several hours and heard feedback from my employees that myself (assistant manager) and my manager don't support them enough, and that we are never in the store.

I completely disagree with her, and my employees assessment. I've taken two four day vacations in the three and a half months since I've been here...Is that really too much? Other than that I work five days a week, 8 hours a day. She said "I've been trying to meet with you for two weeks but it keeps getting pushed back." Like two weeks ago I saw a couple people get shot, and so I rescheduled. Multiple times she's put meetings on my calendar without consulting me or my schedule, so again I've had to reschedule.

She also said "You need to think about whether you actually want to be a manager or not." So now I'm feeling pressure to come back early with the fucking flu because she thinks I'm never there, and also feeling like she wants to terminate me or ask me to step down.

 

Sorry you're dealing with this. I been here with my empoyer literally same time frame too, I only called out once, then did another time and he talked me in - THEN WHEN MY GIRL GOT KICKED OUT i called out and he gave me a hard time "for calling out 2 times in 3 months" even tho i did once and came in the other time and this time is a real issue, shes homeless. Had another job that preached safety on the job but where i lived driving in a blizzard wasnt viable cus hills and etc and when i had to called out i got chewed out and had to tell em "Hell Ill do my best, fire me if its not enough" since it was so cold and tbh... i knew the job needed me.
People are assholes. Take the time you need, usually they press you cus they're stressed themselves and want someone else to take some burden.

 

Unrelated but... been talking to a friend over this Peep stuff and sorry to keep referencing him but seeing the blaming him for having addiction issues and dismissing his mental health issues we have gone over "Damn if we OD'd would the people who we loved shit on us the way they did Peep?" super harsh question to have to ask........ But in a way we got closer over it? Thank you for that, but I hurt for both us over that..... super lonely question to have to ask yourself.

Is our life an our effort that disposable? I been fighting over 20s years a reason for the effort is all I beg for.

 

Its been a while since my last post and a lot of things have happened, will try to keep it concise:
1. I'm now the 'head' dishwasher, got a raise and have had to train people (the last dude who trained me left due to basically needing a change of scenery)
2. For a few weeks I had the work load of two people and had to face it mostly alone
3. Been rewarded and complimented on my work ethic (no idea why)
4. Suffered third degree burns on my right hand because a new cook put too much oil on a pan, didn't cry over it and kept working. Only reported it near the end of my shift and got sent home, everyone grimaced when they saw it but I honestly didn't feel much
5. Got back out into the dating world, met up with a chick from OKcupid who was nice but kept sneezing (allergic to cats oops) and cut the date short cuz I got called into work
6. Saw my ex on tinder but only cried a bit over it, the emotions aren't rational but I know logically she wasn't good for me
7. Apparently I've a 'mediator' personality type which honestly describes me and my struggles to a tee
8. I'm still working on understanding myself and being around others helps
9. I had to load a friend into an ambulance last week because he had a seizure in front of me. He's okay now but it was pretty scary.
10. I'm still trying to combat this impulse to go into 'hermit' mode
11. I still have no idea what I want to do longterm but I figure saving most of what I earn is probably not a bad idea
12. It hasn't even been 12 full months since last December when a friend called the police on me to stop me from killing myself and it feels like it was years ago
13. On my days off when I'm not at the friend I mentioned earlier' house I'm just sitting alone in my home and not doing much of anything
14. I'm still not happy but I guess I'm okay

Also holy fuck at having to toss out like 3 CDs this year due to sick actions of band members. Smh. Hope all is well with everyone here. Life is weird and so am I

 

I have a hard time telling people no or I don’t want to so I end up telling lies and it gives me so much anxiety that they’ll confront me about it but I don’t stop.
It’s mostly people I don’t want to hang out with but they make comments about how I don’t make time for them because I hang out with my two closest friends more so the guilt causes me to lie.
We are also all adults over the age of 26 and one is even a coworker close to 50 so no one should be making me feel guilty because my other friends are basically my family and I spend my time with them but maybe I’m wrong.

 

I feel like most families get into fights about politics around the holidays but mine is always an uncomfortable stirring up of past resentment and family issues. Last year it ended up with my mom crying, my lil sister yelling, and my older sister being called a disappointment of a daughter. Let's see how this year goes lol.

 

My Mom asked me yesterday if I wanted to come home for Christmas, or if I wanted her to come out here. Definitely asked her to come this way. The thought of being around my aunt and uncle in their bougie ass house, forced to listen to bougie ass dinner conversations about flight lessons and golf, makes me want to smash my head through a brick wall.

 

I go into some threads on this forum to enjoy discussion but some people make it hard on purpose they just want to ruin everything. and then they expect sympathy when they have problems.

 

I think this is the same google doc I used to find affordable therapy in my area. It’s been a really positive experience for me so far (only been going for a month, 4 sesssions).

It took me a long time—way too long—to take any steps with finally going to therapy, but it’s been a tremendous benefit so far. I hope others can find affordable options in their area and feel the same.

 

Today I had one of those moments where I randomly remember something sucky my ex did. I remember once when I was writing a paper for class he was looking over my shoulder and criticizing my writing. His style was very flowery and had a lot of adjectives everywhere and mine has always been a bit more... sterile? I guess. But either way he was criticizing it and then when I got my feedback from the instructor she asked if she could use it as the example for future classes because it was so good and it was so satisfying to rub it in my ex's thesaurus abusing faceeee. I randomly thought about it while I was driving today lol

 

My new therapist got really real in our second session. It sucks I can't continue seeing her after the semester ends. I'm hoping I can find someone else I like outside of school soon so I can establish a good relationship with one; I don't think I can do long gap between again.

 

Omg. I am dying. I have been going to the dentist for the first time since I was a teen and have had to get a lot of work done. But at the end of every appt when I have to meet with the consultant ppl they're always like "insurance is still working it out but we estimate they'll cover everything so far." And now I get a bill for $400 and I'm freaking out!!!!!! I kept waiting for it to be the balance insurance paid but nope it's mine. I can see on the statement that my insurance paid a lot but I still owe that and with the holidays coming up like why. Like I can pay it technically but it's a huge unexpected hit. I keep telling myself this is why I have a savings account but I'm freaking out

 

As a silver lining if I ever don't feel like flossing I'mma remember this bill like I may make a copy for my bathroom wall ngl

 

And I'm double covered and still owe that much like wtf America. Sry thread clearly I am processing rn!!!

 

My dental insurance is so bad I often don't see the point of it. Drives me nuts.

 

I don't even have dental insurance, and I'm still on my ex-girlfriend's health insurance which is through the state of Michigan.

 

I’m planning on getting cheap dental insurance, gotta fix my mouth somehow

 

So this is hard to admit but I had serious suicidal thoughts yesterday. I had this thought process that my daughter was better off with me being dead and I played all these scenarios in my head to support it. It really scared me.

 

she and everyone else are better because you're here. you know you can reach out to me whenever anthony. i know you're going through hell but you can't entertain those thoughts man. things will get better.

 

I really needed this

 

that's why we're here brother. be well.

 

I absolutely, positively hate cliche posts that are made to be circulated on social media, except the ones from To Write Love On Her Arms. They're all so great and this one struck me pretty hard when I saw it:

You deserve to give yourself another go anytime you feel low. You, and everyone in this thread, are too fucking good and too fucking important to this world to not be apart of it.

 

i feel like i've reached an age to where i've already done irreversible damage to my body. the drinking i did in my 20s was gross, especially for someone who is 120-125lbs. its worrying because i feel like my brain is just not performing like it once did. its prob just my depression and anxiety that is making it so difficult to remember things and focus, but idk