Mental Health Thread • Page 151

I need to step back from my job a little. I've taken on so much that it's def taking a toll on my mental health. I don't feel depressed really just like stagnant. I hope this weekend with family is just what I need to snap out of it.

I check in everyday, not posting as much in here but I read each and every one of your posts and I send so much positivity and good energy your way. You're all wonderful humans.

 

My thing is constant health anxiety, and then panic attacks about getting panic attacks in non-ideal situations...far from home, unknown places, around people that don't know how deep my anxiety goes, being trapped, etc.

I've had a symptom of something that when you punch into google, spits back cancer for a while now. It's a very specific symptom so it scares the shit out of me. I've taken the approach that if I don't have to face it, it prolongs the issue. Kind of like Schrodinger's cat. I'll spiral and find online message boards of people that have had cancer resulting from what I experience and lose it, then find other message boards where people have had the symptom I have had, but have been fin, and relax for a week or two. Irregardless, it also cycles back. Had my physical yesterday and all blood work was fine, doctor told me not to worry, so I am feeling much better. He's my family doctor, so he knows my history well, took a lot of time talking to me about why it's not an issue. Feeling much better. My constant fear is that now that i'm older, 26, and moved in with my girlfriend, likely marriage, kids, house, etc in a few years, I won't strong enough to be there for them.

I see a therapist who is decently unconditional and very into eastern thoughts and philosophies, and honestly, i've found talking to him about Taoism, and Buddhism, and their applications to my anxiety incredible helpful. He recommended equine assisted therapy which is getting farther from empirical based practice, but i'm open to anything. His practice with it is about reading the horses' interactions with a patients, since they are generally very well tuned to a person's behavior. I'd argue that being a biologist myself will just make the experience more fun, since I've devoted my career to the study of life.

 

this is all too timely, man. just went to the doctor's office today to get something checked that i've been worrying about. though there are still some more steps, being assured that my worst fears were unlikely has me feeling at ease. now I just have to figure out all my other problems...

best of luck with the equine therapy and hope you get a very perceptive horse.

 

It's tough because once I feel like i've beaten the negative thoughts about something, something else comes around. There will always be something...cancer, heart disease, neuro disease, etc. The weirdest part is a work in cancer research in Boston, one of the most vibrant and active cancer research communities around. With my coworkers and our work, I feel nothing but desire and ambition to work hard, but once I feel something in myself, I can't seem to rationalize, when with all my training and skills, I should be able to.

I'm very skeptical of the horse stuff, I'm more excited to be close to a horse for an hour than the therapeutic aspects, which are pretty poorly backed up by empirical evidence of working aside from patients with cerebral palsy. But like I said, i'll try anything once.

 

Was not in the best of moods earlier, as you can tell, and my therapist essentially forced me to take her call a few minutes ago. Said if I am letting go of the rope (and she understood my palliative care analogy), then she can tell me at my "last" appointment exactly what she thinks, and will give me a letter (entirely CYA from an ethics standpoint) about what we discussed and what I chose. And finished with, if I'm not going to take my medications anymore I might as well be hospitalized now, which was not any kind of threat to section me, as far as I can tell, but I don't like my odds if I pick the choice she doesn't like.

 

Been testing the waters to see how those close to me feel about me being open about being fluid. Not much has changed about me LITERALLY sexually but I've heard everything from 'me being gay cus I paint my nails' to them not thinking i appreciate the men in my life who raise me cus I feel so close and know the main people who did raise me were women so of course ive taken most of me from who they were/are (not really my fault the men didnt live up and im too old to be bitter; never really was, and I never took it as them really slighting me as much as not really realizing theres a son who needs affection/attention of a father figure, not a drunk... BUDDY at best [providing sobriety to walk that line). No I needed a Dad. - probably why im so close to the women cus they covered every base perfectly, still even tho the men often fell short).

 

pumped to see someone so open to eastern philosophy and different forms of therapy.

i've spent the past two years immersed in the trauma healing/therapy community, actively engaging with and testing out a fuck ton of different modalities. by far the best stuff i've found is:

focusing by eugene gendlin/the power of focusing by ann weiser cornell/your body knows the answer by david rome (all based on a form of therapy call focusing. i like the power of focusing best but pick one then get the others if you want more explanation)

self-therapy (aka internal family systems) by jay earley

the revolutionary trauma release process by david berceli

mindsight (aka interpersonal neurobiology) by daniel siegal (has a great explanation of mindfulness meditation too)

the healing code by alex loyd (woo woo af but very effective. puts you in a relaxed, loving, parasympathetic state)

brainspotting therapy (like a more badass emdr)

homecoming by john bradshaw

all super practical, and they allow you to get to the cause of issues as opposed to just managing symptoms. so for example the fear you describe -- like holy fuck that used to be me hardcore. still remember bolting from my creative writing class cus i thought i was gonna die.

but i've found out through this work and fear/anxiety are one form of a "protective self" that comes to the forefront when an underlying wound is triggered. it exists to cope with the exiled pain but --> heal the buried pain --> coping style no longer has to exist --> issue vanishes.

really it comes down to processing and accepting the emotional wounds that are buried in the subconscious from childhood, then giving yourself unconditional love.

most important thing i've done in my life, and you can 100% percent overcome these issues -- especially with these new forms of therapy based on the communication *of* feelings as opposed to just talking about them.

much love brother and let me know if you have any questions

 

I hate how much advertising there is around food and guilt, especially marketed towards women. It's like impossible to have a healthy relationship with food when ur socialized to believe u should feel guilty for what you eat. Sucks looking online for recipes and seeing all the "Guilt Free" recipes. Just let me liiiiive

 

People. Eat whatever the hell you want. The tricky part is not eating a bathtub's worth of whatever the hell you want, every time. Or do eat the bathtub. People get hit by buses every damn day.

 

if it can happen to Regina George it can happen to anyone

 

I'm sayin



And I'm really being serious, just so no one thinks I'm trying to be flippant or anything. I have some weird issues with food since the start of my transition, related to seeing a pear shape when I want to see V shape. Love to you all.

 

Really hate how I feel after every trip I go on. I stress before travel and trips and inwardly wish it'd be canceled, but always enjoy myself. This time I went to GA and visited with family I hadn't seen in years (to the point I literally didn't remember them even as they enthusiastically said hello to me). Much like the wishing ahead of the trip, I always find myself wishing the trip could continue and then am miserable upon returning for a couple days. I don't know how much to chalk up to the fact that I don't sleep much on trips, leaving myself frazzled, exhausted, and stressed. Didn't help this time that I was meeting up with a ton of people (it was like a mini reunion) and I'm not great with that. But really, I come home to nothing and it depresses me. I see how everyone else is doing and wish I could fucking move forward and move the hell out of this state and closer to some family.

Need sleep to help calm my mind. On top of having fun, I found out one of my relatives could hook me up with a contact in the career field I desire. Don't believe much in myself to see anything coming of it, but maybe. just maybe.

 

Sorry if this is long, I'm just having the thoughts now and I really wanna collect them at once and throw them into one cage:

My entire life I've always known I wasn't who I portray, not shamelessly or even to deceive, just.... always to defend. I've always seen myself as the laid back chill but reserved (heres the lie) bravado laced "test me" [never aggressive, just defiant/rebellious to those imposing on me] person I portrayed -the laid back side yes... but that "hinge" of "toughness" always made me uncomfortable, cus that's not me.
I am a strong beyond my own knowledge person, physically, I'm very capable defense wise - perhaps capability isn't a lie.... but the eagerness to use? Not at all. Violence makes me sad. When I'm SUPER ANGRY I cry cus I don't know how to process (even when I have gotten physical its always a snap moment - never without reason, but never something I looked back on with pride), but I'm not imposing.... I'm shy, sensitive, vulnerable... I hurt easily cus I never had the bastion of support of a family at last stable that is, quite the opposite... they were the reason I was so uncomfortable and adopted a side of a fake personality (linked to my true one) solely for defense and to scare away anyone wishing to make me a victim to the fact they can't handle their own life and stress (family& bullies).

For years I carried a fake sense of machismo and crumbled under it, knowing it's not me. I've never been anything more than Josh, I've never been more than someone who just wanted to be understood and appreciated... not have to defend myself from misunderstanding and suffocated progress and accusations of laziness or complacency. It killed my lust for life for years. It's like my body is this imposing stocky, slightly above average sized man, but internally I feel like a scared lil kid who doesn't know his/her (that in and of itself I was lost on) way... and the YEARS of having to pose to defend just exasperated it and antagonized it further.

I literally got as dark to use my desire for suicide as a pivot of power "You can't make me do what I don't want to since I'll leave anyway," severely lost and unhappy.... it's only recently I've felt comfortable in my own skin, accepting I am this... amorphous spirited/soul'd person... I've been attacked and told "It's not sexy" and "Are you gay?" recently and that hurts but tbh, that hurt (born of my own finally defiant "Fuck it! I'm me!" attitude and their shitty opinion on it) feels better than the fake bravado to defend myself and crippling my chance to be understood by presenting a fake me........ and being one myself. Excuse the corny quote... but it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for what you're not.

Sorry for venting. This has been well over 20 years in the making to even be able to put that together cohesively and feel confident enough to stamp that.

 

I’m not doing well

 

I'm really depressed

I feel so disconnected

I miss my friends

 

Well I finally got a promotion at work, but everything else about today has been a flaming shit pile. Should be feeling happy, but fucking nope.

 

Really thinking about trying this out.

MONQ Therapeutic Air - The Personal Essential Oil Diffuser

 

Have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as of late. Very high highs, very low lows. Have always been this way to a degree, but over the past two years my mental health has been less than ideal. Spent a little over a year in therapy and left for money reasons, but also because I felt like every time I felt better - even superficially - I would feel a bit worse after leaving. With how I was, I don't think I needed to take too critical of an eye to what was happening in my life because at base level, I just wanted happiness.

Last week I was a mess. One thing led to another and my parents confronted me over my lack of religion. This drove me into a fit of panic - I love my parents, I know they love me, but I know people who have been disowned or had their entire familial relationship dissipate due to difference in religious beliefs. (background - I was raised in an Evangelical Christian household, maintained those beliefs for a solid 20 years before "deconstructing" through college and feeling like an outlier who was afraid to let go of what he thought he knew - fast forward to now and I've finally accepted, even in just the past few months, that I just cannot fool myself into thinking I believe any more. Maybe it will change when the climate of the world around us improves? But right now I doubt it.) Luckily, after a brief confrontation and exchange of words, my mom was really understanding and supportive of me and it made me feel much better.

Spent the next few days on edge and broke down to my spouse on Sunday, explaining where I've been, wanting to medicate, etc. We talked for awhile, she took me out for dessert and we drove around just enjoying the day, and it made me feel much, much better. She's been really great in taking the time to make sure I'm okay, even though we've had our fair share of ups and downs over the past few years and sometimes I feel we don't understand each other in some of the ways we used to, I'm just glad to have her still.

Post turned out longer than I anticipated, but I just want to find a level head. Tired of riding the rollercoaster. Life is heaven one day and hell the next. Would rather be on earth, at least at base level.

 

Cannot tolerate being in the hospitality industry for much longer, it definitely takes a toll on my mental health. When it's all I've ever done for work though it's going to be hard to find something different/better.

 

I have never felt so utterly isolated and alone in my life. I truly don't have anyone to turn to or talk to about the shit going on in my life and that really sucks

 

Totally understand that. The closest I come is my vague-ish postings in here.

This week has been weird and I barely kept it together at work this afternoon. My head's been all weird since returniing from seeing family.

 

Constantly feeling uneasy and nauseous

 

That brief but terrifying moment on Friday or Saturday night when you think you have work in the morning.

 

I was doing better. Things were looking up. And then everything fell apart again. I opened up to my mom about a lot of my mental health issues, stuff I never dreamed I'd tell either of my parents. She's coming to see me in a couple weeks and I'm gonna get the help I need. Until then I need to stay afloat somehow

 

I believe in you, man.