Mental Health Thread • Page 125

I struggle hard with this especially when my mom says underhanded shit to me. You're beautiful, sweet, kind. You've got it all and I mean that.

 

This is where I'm at right now. I'm happy with the person I've become, and this is probably the best I've been, but I still struggle with how I view myself appearance wise. One day at a time.

 

yeah it's interesting seeing how common body image issues are , does anyone love their body?

 

Fairly frequently I'll imagine what I would do if my dad died cause I guess I love to torture myself and I get super depressed and anxious. He commutes to work and I get worried in the winter when it snows. He also deals with a lot of shoplifters and has gotten into physical confrontations and i worry about that. He's also a big brown man so I worry about that too. I get so anxious about it I like can't even function. He's the only one I do that with and idk why but I always worry

 

I go through extreme swings.

Some days / moments I'm super narcissistic and think I'm the greatest thing in the world with a great body and other times I wonder why I bother doing anything at all (running, eating well, etc.) because I don't look like The Rock and everyone at the gym looks better than me and why would anyone approach me when I have the body I have. Like, sure, I have a great personality, but no one knows that from a distance and without a great body no one talks to you, hits on you, approaches you.

Probably not 100% true, but that's the mindset I go through. Doesn't help that I have dated women who have broken up with me because I didn't have abs or "better muscles".

 

I'm okay with my body weight-wise I guess. I did gain a lil weight last year that i haven't all the way lost yet. I don't really notice except for in pictures tho. Which is a big step for me cause weight used to be a really big deal to me. I still have weird disordered thoughts with food sometimes but I'm not destroying my self worth everyday over it. Most of my issues are like... facial lol which I've gotten better with too but I think I'll always have issues there. Who would I be if I didn't constantly compare myself to my sister and make myself miserable??

 

i hated my body for a while. from like sophomore year of college until a couple months ago i kept putting on weight and hated my shape and how i looked in shirts. but since the beginning of the year ive dropped 25 or more pounds and im back down to what i weighed at the end of high school. most of my jeans are too big. my t shirts arent bulging out because of my stomach. for the first time in a while i feel really, really good about my body. nothing has changed really, i eat the same way, i do have a job where im on my feet more than i had been, but i started Wellbutrin which is kind of a psuedo-stimulant and isnt an SSRI anti depressant so it doesnt cause weight gain, im wondering if it causes weight loss or at the very least a sped up metabolism, mine was already pretty fast but after detoxing i figured id lose some weight and i did, about ten pounds, but i figured once i started eating normally again id gain it all back, instead i just kept losing weight. not really complaining but also when people compliment me about it i feel weird because i didnt really do anything to make it happen.

 

anyway earlier tonight i weirdly got hit with a huge wave of really bad anxiety, something that hasnt happened in a while, and then i got hit with thoughts of "oh my girlfriends out for the night i could easily go pick up some dope right now and get away with it." and i wasnt even planning on doing it if i did, just holding onto it for the future? i swear these thoughts are fucking insane. obviously i resisted, but when my mind starts acting like that i get scared and even more anxious because all it takes is a few seconds of letting my guard all the way down and the addict voice takes over and puts me on auto pilot until i have the drugs in my hand. like i have no control once i give myself up to the urge. im still learning how to make that not happen and defeat those thoughts every time they come in. sometimes its easier than others, like when theres no way i could get away with it, but tonight i had a perfect opportunity and the temptation was crazy strong. but i just took a shower and relaxed and eventually it went away. if i wait it out it tends to go away or lessen to the point where i can ignore it. it just sucks and its hard and like i said its an every day battle. its gonna get easier over time but i gotta remember im still in pretty early recovery and those thoughts are gonna be pretty strong for the time being since a lot of it is still fresh on my mind.

 

No. That's why I routinely destroy my body lifting weights multiple times a week, leaving me over-tired, majorly stressed and feeling worse about myself than when I started

 

I remember thinking I was fat in high school and looking back at pics, I was pretty small.

 

I feel that quarter life crisis creeping up again lately. Starting to wonder how long until I get a decent career move and whether or not it's worth being a lifeless zombie until then.

 

I went through this HARD in 2013. I felt like I was so behind the ball compared to everyone else, but in reality everyone else is going through the sameeee thing. You WILL get get through it.

 

totally empathize. can't relate to your exact situation but i had blood deep insecurities, feelings of lack, and self hatred that manifested in various ways of coping. I self harmed to years.

a lot of the advice when it comes to mental health is to rearrange the externals. and i tried everything -- getting ripped, improving with girls, chasing accomplishment. but none of it got to the root of it.

and i see you might be stuck in the same place trying to alter the surface level. i feel you.

luckily i later found out that a lot of this is a result of repressed emotions buried in the subconscious from childhood.

what usually happens is:

something happens that shouldn't/something that should happen doesn't --> emotional pain --> repression --> wound.

and these wounds cause underlying shame/a general sense of not being enough and different "coping styles" to deal with these wounds.

what's cool is there are different modalities for accessing this emotional pain, healing it, and coming to a place of healthy self esteem.

two books i think are really good for explaining this process and i think could help end your vicious cycle are:

the power of focusing by ann weiser cornell
ifs self therapy by jay early

also a good blog post based on focusing here:
How To Fully Release Difficult Emotions That Hold You Back

anyway the gist i'm trying to get across is instead of trying to treat the surface level by obsessing over gaining/losing weight (which is a game you can't really win imo as you might have realized), get to the cause of the insecurity.

so for example the next time you feel emotionally triggered (and the books and the blog post go in depth into this process) instead of trying to shove the feeling away, sink into it. ask yourself "what makes me feel this way" and let the emotions come up. don't fight them. feel them fully and accept them. then let them go.

i hope this gives you a map of where to go from here. you are not trapped in a never ending cycle. you can overcome this, i know you can.

much love and let me know if you have any questions.

 

My weight issues were a lot to struggle with. I developed early and got these boobs and a butt I felt awkward with and it wasn't really "in" during the Paris hilton/Nicole riche/misha Barton days and my mom and sisters commented on my weight a lot. I developed body dysmorohia and super disordered thoughts around food. But then when I lost weight I was "too skinny" to them and it took me a while to realize I couldn't please everyone. Over the course of a few years I was able to start shifting my mindset from weight to health. It still gets difficult tho. I try to have moderation and just live my life. Being overweight is not a big deal by any means, but when my family basically acts like it is world ending, it's really hard. If that's how they react when I'm like an avg weight i worry what they'd do if my body changed. I feel angry for my younger self who stressed SO hard about image and weight that I was miserable all the time. I deserved to live those years happy and it makes me sad that I didnt. Sometimes i wonder how my life would be different if I was raised in a positive and confident environment. I know my mom was only projecting the bs her family projected onto her, but I still resent her a lot for it. I think the worst part now is they all deny remembering what they said to me so I often feel delusional or like I made it up. It's painful when something impacts you so severely and the ppl who participated in that misery don't even remember it, or claim not to

 

My life has had major turning points these past few months, yet I lately feel like I'm still in the same place mentally. I'm now just realizing that, as I finished my exams and have the next few months free to do whatever I want. But, it's exactly the same shit as last year, the year before, etc. I can't get a job, like, I keep lying to everyone about that. I'm so scared of having work to do, and to suffer from the pressure that comes with it.

As usual, I hate myself too much I'm back to procrastinating. It's so weird. My social skills have improved A LOT, yet once I have a planned conversation, be it around friends, or in this case, for an interview, I just lose it and my anxiety goes up. I wish I could get through that issue, because even if I overcame most of my major ones, this one keeps ruining my life and is preventing me to be happy by reaching my goals. I have to stop telling myself "I'll do that thing later" because this has pretty much been my motto for my entire life. I'm so disorganized. It's not surprising people keep saying that I'm always distracted.

There's a quote that I just remembered from Parks & Rec, I'm not sure of its accuracy but it goes like this : "Don't half-ass multiple things. Whole-ass one thing"

This is it, I have to follow that advice, otherwise I'll continue having breakdowns, self-hating, and other negative thoughts about myself. I'm getting back to therapy. I have to call my therapist tomorrow, because I haven't seen her in a too long while. I feel bad because I often forgot to take my meds... and it got to a point where I simply stopped taking them and didn't even care, around March I think ? It's dangerous, I don't know how I made it without having more problems, like important side-effects for example. I'm very very very unconscious of my mental health now that I think about it, and I'm ready to take care of myself. I have commit fully to it, and not in a half-assed way.

 

I posted a full body pic in a mirror on social media and I NEVER do that bc I am disgusting to look at.

 

I'll respond to both of your posts here. @PandaBear! pretty much said in a better way what I wanted to convey. I'm very curious to know how much he seems to have improved regarding his issues. I think what he seems to teach could apply to everyone, in the sense that some of those are universal advices and lessons to improve our mental health, our social skills, our self-perception, etc. Yet he took all that knowledge and used it in the most awful way possible. I truly hope he stopped doing that, I trust your words on that lol. I'll check him out again I guess, tho I am still side-eyeing his stuff, as he has so much to do to prove us that he changed positively. What he did, the way he manipulated his "students", the damage done on women... all of it still seems too fresh in my mind you know ?

 

I'm so proud of you and you are beautiful seriously

 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

 

yea i feel you. and i understand approaching his stuff with hesitation. still i think his new channel is full of great ideas (happiness if your default state, face your emotions instead of running from them, fully accept yourself to live a life of authenticity and inspiration etc.) and no longer in the context of doing it to get women.

and if you don't resonate with him/still have a bad taste in your mouth from his history (totally understandable) there are plenty of other teachers and resources you can make progress with.

i actually had a similar experience with anxiety you do. i went from having panic attacks just interacting with the grocery store clerk to being much better socially just by pushing my comfort zone and improving my social skills.

but there was always this undercurrent of anxiety that remained. and it would be triggered under any circumstance with some social pressure.

social anxiety is a coping style of avoidance (you can check out reinventing your life by jeffrey young for the breakdown on the three coping styles: surrender, avoidance, overcompensation) that results from the emotional trauma buried in the subconscious i've been talking about.

so i think the power of focusing, ifs self therapy, and the letting go process julien describes will heal this issue. it did for me. they'll let you go into your subconscious and heal the wounded exiled part of you that's causing you to react this way.

also good to have knowledge of focusing so you can do it during your therapy sessions, because for a lot of people talk therapy can encourage you to intellectualize your issues as opposed to feel through them (the latter being much more effective).

it's really life transforming work. most important thing i've done in my life, and i'm glad you're making your mental and emotional health a priority.

 

You're always so nice to me. Kind people do still exist! Your kindness and positivity means the world.

 

I think the same about you, it reassures me to now be surrounded by kind and warm people, and you are a huge part of my growth as the person I want to be.

I'm letting go of the ones who have a troll-ish mindset, even if it used to be part of my identity. I mean I was often a jerk as a teenager and loved trolling people, making fun of minorities, telling offensive and plain gross jokes about them. I still did that few months ago, not in this community of course, but I couldn't continue living like that.

It's hypocritical, like I feel guilty for being nice to people. It's nonsense... I don't get why I'm being made fun of anytime I want to do something positive for anyone. There's no such thing as being "too nice", this is one of the criticisms that I get the most. I can't follow this progressive and politically conscious path while having my old self back once I'm around shitty people right ?

 

I've been trying to think how I feel about people, how I feel about where I am, and be introspective, and I just...don't really feel very much either way. I don't have motivation for anything either, everything is just sort of whatever. It could be a medication thing. Who knows.

 

Being with someone who is going through a mental breakdown and refuses to seek help is exhausting. So many behaviors that are clearly exhibits of mental illness. I don't want to diagnose him or anything but certain things seem like obvious symptoms.

But trying to live every day with someone who has completely lost their grip on reality, is so difficult. It makes it nearly impossible to have any conversations. I'm constantly feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Everything I say or do is the wrong thing.

 

believe it or not, apathy is actually an emotion. it's a layer of protective defense for deeper pain. "thinking about how you feel" is everyone's first instinct -- but it means you're still trapped in your mind. instead you want to bypass the conscious, thinking part of you to get to the unconscious emotions/repressed memories. that's where the feelings will arise.

here's a good video that explains the process in detail.

also medication will probably makes this harder since they're designed to help you float above your emotions, but it's still doable.