Mental Health Thread • Page 12

I remember this. It is utterly unbelievable and her charges were dropped. I don't understand that at all.

 

This last week has been rough for me emotionally. I feel like life has kept moving faster and faster until I've been left behind. I feel like a fucking background character or wallpaper in my own life, dominated by more interesting and likable people who actually have things going for them. I feel helpless as people I care about self-destruct, and I also feel like the more and more people get to know me the less there is to like. Quite frankly I don't like myself that much. I've never committed self-harm before, but honestly this is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I should, and for the first time I feel like I GET why people do it... they feel like no matter what they do, how hard they try, the world is just going to keep on turning and passing them by, and they're going to remain as unloved and alone as when the cycle began. I don't know what one event made this feeling resurface, but I fucking know it exists, and sometimes lately I barely feel like getting out of bed because of it.

 

I've had moments and times similar to this. I'll echo what almost everyone would say when they read your post - please don't do something harmful to yourself.

You may feel that you're a background character to most in your life, and maybe that's a correct perspective on your part but that doesn't make YOU a bad person. I feel that way with most of my friends and it turns out that they're just really shitty as following up with me / too dense to realize what they're doing.

You may feel this way for a few days or weeks, but it will pass. I know these times suck. Nothing sounds appealing. No music, movie, activity or food can improve anything. But it will pass.

If you need someone to vent to / talk about things with you've got plenty of people on here that would gladly listening, this particular bearcat included.

I send this message because months ago I sent a heartfelt, super depressing email to my best friend, explaining how I felt I was going nowhere, doomed to failure and all sorts of stuff and she never even bothered to text, call or email back. When I did finally talk to her she said, "I didn't know how to respond" as if that would help. Getting no response to the most honest moment of my life made me feel like absolute shit. So, I don't want you to feel like no one's listening or can care. People do. People currently in your life care. Buds on websites such as these care.

 

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. I actually did reach out to my best friend with a similar message to what I posted here, and it turned out that this guy who I always thought had been super confident and on top of his life had gone through a lot of the same stuff, and we had just never talked about it... it ended up being a really meaningful conversation. Yeah, a big thing I'm hearing a lot is to try to put things in context of the big picture, but that's hard to do in the moment. I'll just take it day-by-day. Thanks a ton again.

 

Just got told by my roommate/close friend to "be a man" and "suck it up" after confiding in him this stuff so yeah, that's fun...

 

Do you ever wake up and feel like your entire being is fake as hell? Or that feeling social is just...wrong?

 

All the time

 

Adding on top of my last post, I feel incredibly numb with really wanting to cry, but I can't.

 

I'm feeling a sense of clarity and calm right now that I haven't experienced in a long time. I see the list of problems that have led me to where I am right now and how I can fix them. I can't wait until tomorrow where that turns into me feeling like I'm drowning in my own existential despair :/

 

I get to hang out with my baby cousin today, he's pretty much the only thing that makes me happy.

 

i have plans to see a friend in the daytime and i just hope my head is okay with it. it is an hour on public transit to get there and i have no idea how long i'll be out. the last time a friend wanted to see me i had to wait until the next day as my entire being couldn't get myself to leave the house that day. now i have these plans made for tomorrow and i'm anxious. this is the farthest i've gone from my place in a while. i've usually stayed in my section of the city. beginning of this year i had panic attacks being outside round here. no idea how it will be going farther tomorrow.

introversion + social anxiety doesn't help whatsoever to get my through life.

 

I don't know if I ever told my story on ap.net so I'll just post the big changes that happened in the last year. I've been suffering from social anxiety and depression for as long as I remember. Last year was a major one as I finally started seeing a therapist. It was tough, but it wasn't until recently that I realized the positive impact it had on my mental health. I went through the EMDR therapy for 4 months, and it helped me accept my past. Thanks through the sessions, I'm so relieved to be able to look forward without regrets. However, I got into a point where I felt forced to go to that particular therapist. It was becoming more and more difficult to be honest. That point, and money problems led me to stop the therapy. Instead of looking for another one, I pressured myself into looking for a summer job. Bad idea, as my anxiety prevented me from being fully functional. On the store I got recruited for, I lasted 3 days before they fired me after telling me that I was the worst intern they ever had. I don't remember how mentally stable I was at the time. But that moment was a breaking point, as I then progressively isolated myself, stopped sleeping, eating, showering... At one point, my parents forced me to see a psychiatrist, which instantly precribed me an antidepressant as soon as I started sobbing. Since then, I've been taking Citalopram every day. I have to admit the first month and a half on it was the worst I ever felt in my entire life : constantly numb, exhausted, extremely anxious. I would start crying randomly. Thanks to the university, I had something to do, otherwise I would've been tied to my bed all day and all alone. The side effects of those things were even scarier than I thought.

I started getting better around November, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I matter. I still have a lot of self shame and sometimes can't resist self harming, but overall, I'm more optimistic than I've ever been. The anxiety is still there but the panic attacks are less prevalent. I feel more confident. I think I've met and talked to more people in the last four months than I did before. I'm in my first relationship in a long time and it's going well. I feel so free, which has its pros and cons. On one hand, I'm not feared to conduct projects, to volunteer, to call out people who offend me, among other things, anymore. However, since I came out as a pansexual, I subconsioucly feel more afraid of the environment around me. I'm sick of being called "too naive" or "too nice" by people who don't know anything about me, I'm certain that's them projecting their fears. I feel like I've become more affected by judgmental, competitive and close minded person. Idk if I have to learn to control my temper, or if I'm wasting my time correcting for example my family's offensive vocabulary. I might be utopist, but there's nothing more than I wish more than making sure every single one live in a safer world free from bigotry. I feel like I've found my purpose as a person, which is to cherish my loved ones without anything in return.

tl;dr : I love every single of you. This community has saved my life multiple times the past decade, and now I want to do good things in return. Sorry for the long, confusing and cheesy read. It's time for me to expand my english skills haha.

 

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible! ❤️

 

thanks mom for making me feel even shittier about my inability to find a job.

 

A friend of mine told me that once. Felt like he handed me a shovel for my own grave. It sucks.

 

to add insult to injury, my brother filled out an application to walmart and they failed him on the assessment part of the application.

WALMART won't hire.

 

I've done a lot of things in my life and looking for a job is the #1 most stressful thing I've ever done. I've dealt with people who I've gone through all the interviews with and was basically told I had the job when I didn't. I would have to be the one to call and check on things to be told that I hadn't gotten the job I was sure that I had. I got left on the hook multiple times to where I thought I was going to lose my mind. Tell me I didn't get it instead of keeping me on edge for a week. It's an awful feeling not knowing one way or the other.

 

My neck feels strange, like there's something invisible around it.

 

Not having a steady job has been hurting a lot this week. Been thinking the word pathetic a lot, lately. I spent this morning journaling about it's not pathetic. I'm working my ass off trying to find one and it's just not happening. Unlucky, but not pathetic. But that's not the word I keep thinking of.

Been reading Brené Brown's Daring Greatly and its talking about how to deal with shame by being vulnerable, searching for connection, and just knowing you're worthy. I think in a lot of ways I'm relating my lack of ability to contribute has made me feel unworthy. I don't know.

 

thanks.

i made it outside. i'm farther out than i usually go. i'm a bit anxious but not panicking. my friend is getting here late so the wait makes it worse but i am sitting through it. just need to focus on the experience and catching up with a friend.

edit: i just did something so out of character for my socially anxious and introverted self. i spoke to a stranger. he was studying a book on nonprofit management, which is what i got my masters in. weirdest feeling to do something like that. some things are small steps though.

 

I've dealt with such crippling anxiety and self-doubt most of my life that I don't have any idea how anyone confidently makes decisions. All I can focus on is how whatever particular decision is going to somehow blow up in my face once I make it and I will feel like a total fuckup.

 

I wonder if my coworkers understand why i'm so nervous to even ask for help. like, yeah, on one hand I'm a college kid in a new workplace with twenty older, more experienced adults all doing their own things in the lab, but more than that, i'm just terribly afraid of people.

 

I complain too much and it's getting on my nerves. Things could be a lot worse than they are right now and I've been very fortunate in my work/personal life. I need to hold onto that when I want to be negative. I annoy myself.

 

do you do mindfulness exercises at all? they might be helpful (although they're not a means, they're an end - it's about a way of thinking because it's healthier, not a way of thinking because it'll make your problems stop) - just a first step of noticing when you're negative and trying to understand why that was your gut reaction, and then in time trying to adjust how you immediately respond to stuff.

 

I'm the same way. I think I just like complaining lol because I won't even be that stressed or annoyed and the person I'm complaining to will be like "Don't worry, it'll all be okay. Don't stress!" and I'm like yeah I know it'll work itself out, I just wanna whine...