Food • Page 611

not often. just good life advice.

 

So we’re gonna do something a little different this time. Normally I eat absolute garbage and then write about it because it’s funny but I’ve been travelling for work and for vacation around New England and eating awesome food and I want to see what it’s like to write about meals I’m not ashamed of. I’m a recent transplant to Connecticut so I’ve been trying to visit all of my neighboring states, a luxury I didn’t have when I lived in Indiana. Also, the Midwest is a cultural sinkhole so there was really no point going anywhere else in my part of the Midwest. In the past week, for various reasons, I’ve been to Vermont, Rhode Island, and Pennsylvania.

We start our journey in the great state of Vermont. Vermont is really fucking cool. Like everyone there is super socially liberal but they will also definitely shoot you. It’s a weird dichotomy. Also, everyone is white. Which I sorta get. Like, not to speak to a culture I’m not part of, but if I was African American or Hispanic I wouldn’t want to move to a state full of white people with guns either. Also, Vermont is beautiful as shit. Like normally I could give a fuck about leaves and mountains and stuff but Vermont is super aggressive in how beautiful it is. Like, you would have to be a pretty cold person to look around in Vermont and not be marginally impressed. Vermont made me feel things for nature. I went hiking. For fun. Like I was excited about walking. That’s pretty fucked up.

Anyway, on to what I ate.

Doc Ponds

The picture that shows up for this restaurant’s Google photo is a record shelf. Go to this website: Doc Ponds Restaurant & Bar, Stowe, Vermont click on “Who Is Doc Pond?” and read that shit, it’s not very long. I’ll wait.

That is a real story. That shit happened.

I hate when menu items have a sexually suggestive name because why do I need to feel more awkward ordering my shit load of food? The lady and I started with Bayley Blue Balls which is funny because, you know, like the sex thing, right? You get it, right? It’s like testicles. Testicles that didn’t get to ejaculate. Isn’t that so funny? Aren’t we so funny? Luckily that shit was delicious. It was a risotto ball stuffed with bleu cheese, topped with salt, and wildflower honey. It shouldn’t have worked but it did.

For entrees I got the Brisket Bomb #2 with house made kraut and pimento fondue and Braised Hearty Greens as my side. The lady got a Smoked Turkey Cuban with Roasted Carrots because she’s a monster. Her sandwich was awesome even 5 days and a 5 hour car ride later at work heated up in the microwave. The carrots made the trip back to Connecticut to be thrown away at my office because I don’t want cooked carrots in my house. My hearty greens were kale and they were fucking delicious. Cooked kale in any sort of meat fat is a wonderful thing. But the brisket. Fuck. Bad brisket is still great (see my Arby’s review). Great brisket is just dumb. This brisket was dumb. And it was so fucking tender it just fell apart into little meat bits that collected on my plate. That brisket made me primal. I spent the better part of the meal shoveling little discarded flecks of meat back into my mouth. I honestly do not know why my partner hasn’t left me. I’m pretty sure she tried to say something to me at one point and I looked up at her all shifty eyed, glistening with meat grease, and just grunted.

All in all it was a successful first meal.


This is getting really long so I think I’m going to break it into parts. Hopefully, you read the second part.

 

Nice review for sure, coulda done without reading 'testicles that didn't get to ejaculate'. Also. NEEDS PICTURES.

 

Good stuff beav

 

Good. I captured how unnecessarily uncomfortable it is to have sexually suggestive menu items.

 

Thanks, homie.

 

Great review. However. Cooked carrots are delicious. And the risotto ball definitely should have worked, so I'm surprised you didn't think it should have.

 

It was the honey I think that threw me off.

Edit: @oldjersey I promise pictures in day 2 of Vermont.

 

Really? i would have guessed the cheese. When does part 2 come out?

 

Pictures of the testicles?

 

yes

 

Part 2 is a doozy. 3 restaurants and a handful of breweries. Hopefully it'll be tomorrow and then I'll finish part 3 before the end of the week.

 

Logout

 

I love doozies! Hope this stays a regular thing. No pressure.

 

I'm drinking a coconut water with espresso in it and it is one of the weirdest drinks I've had in a while.

 

i resent this.










overall, though, great review

 

The truth hurts sometimes.

 

Justice Beaver's Travel -

Part 2: The Great White North

We’re back and still in Vermont. Vermont has a shit ton of craft breweries because I guess there’s not really not much else to do but drink when you live in the mountains. Plus, you gotta do something to keep yourself warm during those winters. By the end of the weekend the trunk of my car was filled with enough booze to fuel a Jay Gatsby party (ooooohhhh literary references, that’s some highbrow shit).

McCarthy’s Restaurant

In order to accommodate all of the booze that would be swilling around inside me during the rest of the day I needed a comfortable base of breakfast foods. McCarthy’s is a half bakery, half restaurant which seems to be permanently decorated as if it’s St. Patrick’s Day. If you can fuck up breakfast food I have yet to find a place that fucks it up enough that I won’t eat it. McCarthy’s does not fuck up breakfast. Corned beef, other than having a terrible name... like, shit, if I’m really thinking about it the name is so unappetizing. Corned is such a fucking atrocious adjective. I looked up the reason it’s called “corning” and it makes a sort of sense but I don’t even care. It’s a travesty that something so delicious is named so poorly. What food could you put “corned” in front of that would make it sound more appealing? Corned pork belly? I hated typing that.

Anyway, I had corned beef hash and it was fucking awesome. Served over breakfast potatoes with 2 over easy eggs on top. Runny egg yolks on corned beef and potatoes was enough to make me overlook the conversation my waitress had with the table next to us when one of the patrons ordered the “Quickie.” The lady (henceforth known as Molly) had something mildly healthy and a piece of pumpkin bread because she respects herself. The picture sucks but just trust me.



Ben and Jerry’s

Diabetes really prohibits my enjoyment of things like ice cream but I’m not accustomed to saying no to Molly. We took the 4 dollar tour of the Ben and Jerry’s factory where we had to listen to a middle aged man tell anybody who would listen that Ben and Jerry’s didn’t really make ice cream at the factory and that they had sold out and were mass produced by other ice cream companies. The tour was fine and at the end they gave us all a little cup of Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream after making a joke about how today’s flavor was Broccoli and Cheese Soup which, honestly, I would have been more interested in because of the novelty. Being crammed in a tight room with a bunch of people fiending for ice cream is a pretty scary situation. As soon as the tour guide brought out the tray of ice cream people started shuffling forward, the room seemed to get smaller. It was like a really tame episode of The Walking Dead. After we got out of the ice cream room we went outside. It was a beautiful day at the factory and we took a walk out to the Ice Cream Graveyard (pictured below) which was admittedly pretty cute. Also we met a dope ass dog with dreads.



So for some reason I can't embed this imgur image so here is the URL if you wanna see Molly and the dog: www.imgur.com/SB2J4HL

Cold Hollow Cider Mill

This place was a clusterfuck. There were so many damn people there. The main portion of the mill sold kitschy things, bottles of syrup, and souvenirs. While Molly looked for suitable Christmas presents for her family I tried to avoid being trampled, which seemed to be a recurring theme for the day. The real prize was that I found cider cooked hotdogs. Even though I was still full of corned beef I had to at least try one. They also had an assortment of sauces made with either cider or maple syrup. The hotdog sucked. It was cloyingly sweet and I ended up throwing the last bite away. Molly, again because she respects herself, didn’t partake. We got a jug of apple cider and then headed to the adult side of the mill. There we got pints of hard apple cider that came in complimentary glasses. I’m a sucker for complimentary glassware and, while I’m not big on cider, their cider was pretty good, not too sweet which is a big plus for me, and it was pleasant to sit in the sun and get to drinking.


So, once again, this is getting really long and there are still 5 more places to write about in Vermont so this is probably going to extend past 3 parts as long as you guys keep reading.

 

what the fuck......

Apparently I don't understand Imgur.

 

Great review @Justice Beaver

 

Thanks, dude.

Not as good as your vlog.

 

I set the bar too high. For that, I apologize.

 

between @Justice Beaver's reviews and @Ken's vlogs, i think we've got something real special going here

 

Ok the chocolate one is delicious. I've spread it on a bagel and dipped apples in it and I'm gonna find more excuses to use it. It is as advertised "easy to spread, smooth & fluffy". It is made of mostly peanut butter, but with a texture more like a light frosting and of course blended with a chocolate flavored mixture (sugar, cocoa, peanut oil). I haven't tried the regular PB yet but I have high expectations for it.

 

Now we need a chorus.fm sponsored cooking and travel show.