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2 Dating 2 Relationships Thread II: The Squeakquel NSFW • Page 197

Discussion in 'General Forum' started by dylan, May 12, 2019.

  1. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    I pretty much vomited that post out last night, so hopefully it made sense.

    It was a bit surprising to me to find out she got into a new relationship so quickly after our split. She’d indicated she wanted to be single for a while and work on her inner happiness. And it does sting knowing that she was able to progress so quickly, when I don’t even really feel ready to date now. But ultimately I want her to be happy, so I hope this works out for her.

    Last night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My thoughts were spinning out of control, which is an issue I have a lot. Even though I know that I needed to cut ties, it’s hard to come to grips with the idea that I might never see her or hear from her again.
     
  2. ncarrab Oct 6, 2020
    (Last edited: Oct 6, 2020)
    ncarrab

    Trusted

    Anything other than cutting ties completely is going to be almost always harmful to one or both parties. Outside of like, the 1% of breakups that really do end in a friendship, things will eventually get more painful and detrimental the more two people (and in reality, mostly just one) try to hang on to a relationship after it's over.

    Obviously it's hard and painful to break-up, but it's even worse the more you spend your time trying to keep any sort of relationship after it's done. Those feelings just don't really go away if the other person is still lingering around and people are fooling themselves to try and be 'just friends,' in my personal opinion.

    I went through it myself after a long-term relationship - almost identically similar to the ages and length of relationship you mentioned and for more than a year after the break-up it was an absolute mess trying to continue on with a friendship/try to rekindle what was left and it really put me in some really dark/low points of my life and looking back on it, I just wish I completely cut ties right away. Easier to say than do, and it may be painful to say this, but honestly may not be a bad thing that she got into a new relationship because now it kind of forces the two of you to keep apart.
     
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  3. Ben

    Trusted Prestigious

    Yeah, I’ll echo what was said above. My wife and I have been in the path towards divorce for almost two years now. Sounds like forever but we’ve been together for over 11 years in total. We were still living together while separated for a good amount of time and both of us thought it was fine and not harmful to either of us. I think I’m actuality it was just too hard to move on so we were holding on to something that wasn’t even there. I finally moved out recently and it’s amazing how much clearer I’ve been able to see everything since then. I’ve started seeing someone else on a not super serious basis and it’s been great. Great to have someone else to allow myself to be close with and try to work on letting go of those old feelings.

    I agree that even though it’s really fucking hard to hear about her being with someone else, it’s only going to help you in the long run because you won’t be holding on. When something is over, it’s usually over and it’s best to just work on moving on.
     
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  4. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    I really appreciate all of your collective input. It’s reassuring to hear from other people that I ultimately made the right decision, even if it took a while to realize and probably caused me unnecessary hurt. And I’m sorry a lot of you have gone through a similar thing. Maybe that’s what it takes to learn how to deal with breakups in the future. Before this, my longest relationship was 3 months so it’s really all I’ve ever known.

    It’s hard knowing she’s seeing someone else, but it’s even harder knowing there’s a high likelihood we will never speak again. When my cat who she really loved dies, I will probably let her know, but that’s about it.

    It’s a small thing but I’m also really bummed because she has a lot of photos from an amazing road trip we took summer 2018, and even though I’ve asked for them before, she hasn’t done it, so I’ll probably never have those to look back on either.
     
    waking season likes this.
  5. ItsJoe

    Joe

    Reading these messages has really hit me just how surreal it is to be with someone for an amount of time, to share everything, for it to then to be over and they are no longer a part of your life. I can only speak from my experience, having really only been in one serious relationship, but when that ended she said to me she'd like to try and stay friends but it could never have worked. I tried pursue a friendship, and text, but in the end it always felt like I was trying to create something that had died.

    On another note, what are people's thoughts on opening up to a friend that you like them more than as a friend? I have this girl in my life, we've known each other maybe two years, met twice, and talk semi often. When I've been with her though, or chatted to her in text, I feel like I want to spend longer with her, get to know her more, and tell her great she makes me feel. But the issue is she has no inclination to how I feel, and I think I could risk damaging our friendship, or worse not having her as a friend at all. I can picture how it will go in my head, but I just keep thinking what if?

    Any advice? Thanks.
     
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  6. disambigujason

    Trusted Supporter

    It’s been interesting to read all the posts that are so firmly cut-ties-with-ex. I agree it’s very often the best option, but I always find it hard to totally cut ties personally because it feels wrong/weird to share that much with someone and then not even be able to speak to them. Admittedly, I don’t talk to my last ex, which was far and away my longest relationship, but there are definitely times I want to update her on my life and vice versa if only because it’s easier to talk to someone who I don’t have to explain much too. Though I suppose that comes with already having had the time away to heal. Anyways that’s a long roundabout way of saying that I don’t think every relationship that ends needs to be dead and buried. I think sometimes you can feel better about cutting something off in the short term if you consider that things can change later and there are ways to keep people in your life if you want them to be there and that it need not be romantic.

    as for the above question, if I’ve learned anything about dating since my last relationship it’s that sometimes being direct is better than being subtle or burying it, it may even be appreciated. Polite and respectful of course, but direct. How you go about that, or if you go about it, is gonna depend of course on the kind of relationship you already have, but if it’s a question you want to know the answer to, there’s peace of mind in asking.
     
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  7. ItsJoe

    Joe


    I agree, and that's the hardest part to the process of trying to cut ties, that it just feels so weird to have spent so long with someone to then act as if it's no longer part of your life, of what made you feel happy, etc. When things ended with my ex that was hardest thing to accept that I wouldn't speak to her everyday, and it took a long time to reach a place of happiness.

    I hear what you are saying, and thank you for being a sounding board for my query. I guess there is only one way to know, but I hate having to do this in a text, it's something I'd much rather do in person. I'm going to think about how I can compose a message, as I just don't know what I want to say. Essentially I want to be honest and tell her I like being her friend but I have always wanted more, in so many words.
     
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  8. Kiana

    Goddamn, man child Prestigious

    I think you can be friends with an ex but I wouldn't do it like right away. It'd be too hard. You need to cut ties first and heal. But tbh I've told exes I wanted to be friends and then when I gave it more time I realized oop actually I don't want to be ur friend sry. I think I was just in denial they wouldn't be in my life anymore and said it in denial or desperation but once I had time away realized I was fine and didn't need them in my life
     
  9. waking season

    Trusted Prestigious

    I agree with pretty much all of the above. I was able to have a friendship with one of my exes but it took a year or two of little to no contact to get there. It’s definitely possible but there needs to be some distance/separation at first to heal and move on.
     
    djwildefire likes this.
  10. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    Surreal is the perfect word to describe it. I’m hoping I’ll come to a place of acceptance sooner rather than later, but it’s hard to imagine I will right now.

    As for your question, that’s definitely a tricky one. I’ve always been nervous even asking out people I don’t know well, but i think it can be even harder when you have an established connection that you don’t want to risk. Ultimately, I think it’s a question you need to ask yourself. Can you be satisfied in that friendship or will it always leave you wanting something more?

    Do you ever talk to her on the phone or over video? Because that could be a more personal way of explaining things, though sometimes harder than over text.
     
  11. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    Who knows? Maybe a friendship can emerge in the future, we didn’t rule that out, but it’s also about accepting the possibility that it won’t. I do think if something critical were to happen in my life I would let her know.

    I like your perspective on this, and I guess there is a balance between accepting the possibility of the connection being over, while also not ruling out the possibility of friendship down the line.

    EDIT: and something I didn’t think about until today is that it would probably be better for me at this point not to keep following her on Facebook and Instagram. At this point, that would be painful for me.
     
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  12. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    Whoops, triple posting, but my appetite today just hasn’t been there. I was already losing weight unintentionally over the past couple months, so it’s a bit concerning.
     
  13. cherrywaves

    Trusted

    Again, I know everyone's experience is different, which is cool. But if an ex told me they needed time alone/to be single for awhile, and then started seeing someone after a month, I would cut them out of my life immediately. It's hard enough to maintain a friendship with an ex, but it's extra difficult to do that with someone who isn't transparent or honest.
     
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  14. cherrywaves

    Trusted

    Sorry you're going through this. Virtual hug/pat on the back to you
     
  15. djwildefire

    Regular Supporter

    I’m really not trying to make excuses for her, but I don’t think she meant to hurt me. She’s the type of person who is conflict-avoidant and doesn’t like to upset people. And I think that’s why she ended up handling the situation like she did. That can work in some situations, but with something like this, I wish she had more empathy and understanding of how it was impacting me. She actually said on our call that she was primarily thinking about her self in her decision-making process.

    What also bugs me is that if I hadn’t called her last night and asked directly about what was going on, I have no idea when she would’ve taken the initiative to tell me.

    I appreciate the support. I do have a therapist to help me, so at least that’s already in place. And hopefully the appetite thing doesn’t last long.
     
    cherrywaves likes this.
  16. Carmen SD

    Trusted

    I feel so drained and don’t even want to try to date anymore. I’ll just die alone. Don’t know what’s wrong with guys these days. I accidentally “super liked” someone on tinder because I forget that you don’t “scroll” to view a profile like bumble. Guy must pay for premium because he matched. Asked why I don’t want kids (I have it that I don’t want children) gave my honest answer and he seemed “freaked out”. Not that I care he unmatched me but it’s lowkey wtf. I didn’t get into detail but if they can’t handle the basics then idk anymore. Can’t be honest with people anyone without them having a problem with it. They run. I’m also going thru some shit rn so it just makes me feel worse than normal. I’m getting joint issues with the constant left swiping.
     
  17. ItsJoe Oct 13, 2020
    (Last edited: Oct 13, 2020)
    ItsJoe

    Joe

    So, the other day I posted about a friend of mine who I have developed feeling for, and someone that isn't just, 'oh she's hot', but I want to be with her (as soppy as that sounds). Anyway, I told her and she was so considerate and understanding, and it hasn't ruined our friendship, which I was so worried about. She told me she feels like we have so much in common, and get on really well, but she's not in a position to be thinking about dating as far as I could tell. So, I don't know what that means for the long term, but I obviously don't want to press her by any means, but I guess I still hope, and wonder if it will ever be a possibility. I haven't felt like this about someone in so long, and I feel somewhat relieved, but I'm also wondering, does she share any of the same feelings.
     
  18. cherrywaves

    Trusted

    I don't want to be a downer, but it doesn't really sound like it's going to happen. Maybe she wants to be sensitive to your feelings and let you down lightly? Idk
     
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  19. ItsJoe

    Joe

    I think you might be right, she wants to respect how I feel but I did get that feeling. If she felt the same way, she'd have reciprocated more of how I feel towards her. This is the first time that I feel a bit heart broken to be honest, like I truly feel like a knocked back. Is it worth when the dust has settled yo broach the topic again with her?
     
    Mr. Serotonin likes this.
  20. Iago

    fameshark.

    i'm in a constant loop of wanting to meet new people because i crave intimacy and want to fall in love while i'm still in the first half of my 20s, but also understanding i'm an at risk individual in the middle of a pandemic who has only left their home a handful of times since march.
     
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  21. cherrywaves

    Trusted

    Only speaking to my own individual experiences, I've found it best to leave the ball in their court. You've made it clear you like her, so unless she has amnesia she isn't going to suddenly forget. I would let your friendship continue organically, and if she has feelings she knows that she can disclose them.
     
  22. cherrywaves

    Trusted

    Also dating has been very tough. I feel like it's easy enough to do a first couple dates (i.e. walk, drink outside), but then beyond that...?? Options are limited
     
    waking season likes this.
  23. ItsJoe

    Joe

    Thank you for the advice :).
     
  24. she kissed me :,)

    might cry
     
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  25. Yourbiggestflan

    Newbie

    How was that process for you? In the middle of the split right now and wanna get back out there but feel like i should wait and give myself some time. it's been 10 years with the same person for me, so i know a little bit about your situation, hah.